miss to ma'am

Miss to Mrs

2011-01-21T15:39:00.000-05:00

How do I even begin to revert back to my dedicated blogging days of yesteryear? Well, the obvious first step was entering my blog password. Then erroneously re-entering different password possibilities since I apparently have forgotten it. What in the world has happened to me?

I am sorry to say that the life changes I have experienced in my cross-country move seem to have taken up all my time and energy. In the blink of an eye 4 months have passed and I find myself in (another) new city regularly wearing the workout shoes I so strongly despised with many exciting blog-worthy stories to share.

So, the short list below are a couple reasons that I'm working on a blog comeback.. or am trying to.

Not only do I wear the previous post’s running shoes on a REGULAR basis... but I actually ENJOY them at the gym when I go at SIX A.M. yep. This is crazy talk.
Also crazy talk is the announcement that on December 9^th 2010, my beloved boyfriend [now fiancé] proposed to me under this dazzling Christmas tree and asked me to be his wife. {much more on that later}

Anyway, I am excited to capture all the adventures that lie ahead with living in Washington again and going from Miss to Mrs.!!

one of the reasons I don't work out is...

2010-09-08T10:15:00.002-04:00

the shoes.

As far as exercise goes, I choose not to do anything requiring shoes. Meaning, you can find me doing yoga or swimming.. and by swimming I mean lying on the beach.

Anyway, every time we go on a family vacation, my siblings typically work out together. I get out of this by not having room to pack my running shoes. This excuse usually works. Until today. I am going on an Italy trip with my mom, there is a hike on the agenda and the issue of proper footwear came up.

We shopped around (two malls) and I had a panic attack. So many overly designed shoes with out of control amounts of mesh, neon colors, fat tongues. For some reason athletic shoes have to be futuristic have a million elements to prove they are tough enough to run in. I ended up with a pair of Asics in color Lightning/Storm/Turquoise. Even the color names have to be intense!

Why do they have to be so ugly?! [click images to enlarge]

a breath of fresh air (& belated announcement)

2010-09-03T16:50:00.005-04:00

Where to begin. Where to begin? How have I turned into such a ~~lazy~~ horrible blogger?! Perhaps it's because I have been living in the moment enjoying my summer? And all the times I could have been blogging, I was watching DVRed episodes of A&E's Intervention. Those are my only excuses. Plus that show is SOO good!

My other excuse is I didn't really know how to muster up the courage or put together the announcement:

I left New York City and am living in Seattle!

Yep, that's right. Big news. Take a deep breath... I have had to take many as well.

I had to take several calming inhales through the stress of having my apartment posted on Craigslist and weeding through the emails from interested weirdos. My personal favorite email was from a 34 year old man: "I am friendly, clean and respectful. I dont cook only microwave, maybe the occasional ommellte on weekends."

The image of him moving in with an armful of Hungry Man dinners fills my mind. How does someone only microwave? It took a lot of willpower not to write a snarky reply: Sorry weirdo, but it doesn't seem like you'd be a good fit and here's why--we don't even have a microwave! So unless you want to eat your ommelltes every single day not just weekends, I suggest you find somewhere else to live. Thanks, Jamie. ps. please learn how to spell the word omelet.

When giving my boss my resignation notice it took a lot of work to control the hyperventilating. Hours were spent on the phone with my mom "soooo wait.. what EXACTLY is going to be the first word that comes out of my mouth when I walk into her office?" Funny how much over analyzing can go into the simple concept: I am leaving New York City, so therefore I am leaving this job. Seems so simple after it's all over. Some words of wisdom: Do not be extra nice like me and give more than two weeks' notice. It may seem like a good idea at the time, but it will end up with everyone giving you their puppy dog eyes saying things like "what are we going to do when you're gone??!" My thoughts - I don't know. Learn how to call IT and get your own ****ing sodas out of the fridge? Funny that on my last day I was the last one in the office after 6pm struggling to finish someone's expense report. My office phone line rings and it's my boyfriend, "Why are you still there? You're the only one in the office on your last day? Jamie, put the expense report down.. get out of there" he is smart so I took his advice. Good bye RL.

I huffed and puffed as I scrubbed my walls, filled nail holes and changed light bulbs. I threw all my stuff into boxes, bags, suitcases and trashbags in the sticky 95 degree heat. Lucky for me, I found the guy who's always wandering around the neighborhood and Laina appropriately nicknamed "The War Vet." I did what any girl would do -- batted my lashes and asked him nicely to take my 7 large boxes down my stairs and help me load the truck. Speaking of The War Vet, Laina also discovered that if you Google map the apartment address, you can see him right there having some sort of sidewalk sale. It is very likely that some of my belongings will be sold at one of his upcoming sales.

The War Vet... courtesy of Google Maps

Just three days ago, I managed to wrap up my life in NYC and board the plane with my one-way ticket to Seattle. The bittersweet good byes were said and I sat on the plane pondering what the next chapter in my life will entail.

As for now, I am an unemployed lady of luxury sitting here drinking coffee, blogging and listening to the sound of the wind blowing through the trees rather than honking and sirens. It sort of feels like I am at a rehab center detoxing from life in New York City.. or maybe that's just too much Intervention talking. All I know is I have no agenda other than looking out at my new and improved view and inhaling some fresh air.

old view vs. new view

reactions to my new dark hair

2010-07-19T18:21:00.004-04:00

9:15am "oooh heyyyy we have a new brunette in the office. Get out here and show everyone" made me get out from my desk and come out and show our department.

10:15am "You look a lot older."

1:30pm "I noticed something different. You either changed your hair or are really tan."

3:30pm "It looks really good but when I came over to your desk and talked to you it was weird"

5:30pm --the grand finale and best of all. The office cleaning lady!
her: "You cut your hair?"
me: "No, I colored it. It's a darker brown."
her: "I did the highlights once, back in my country... my father..." (she starts laughing)
me: "He was upset?" (I start laughing too. This is gonna be good)
her: "No, my father... he was working in the farm and when I came home, he told me that I looked like one of his sheeps!"
me: uncontrollable laughter. This is too adorable. "Because it was light and your hair is so curly? hahah"
her: "Yes and so I went right back to the brown again."

Love it.

bits of my weekend

2010-07-18T22:58:00.011-04:00

Dinner in Koreatown. See that hand on the left with the light blue thumbnail and silly bands? Her silver chopsticks are picking up MINNOWS. The little tiny fish were looking up at us all dinner long. I took one chopstick-bite full and was done. Not a fan of crunchy silvery baby fish.

Traded in my faded golden highlights for my luxe au naturale brunette look.

My sweet before and after hair shots.

Babysat in an Upper East Side apartment with this view of Central Park. We played a game called 'kids on stage' in which we had to act things out like charades. My first card was BACKPACK! How do you act that out?! When doing my very best Oscar-worthy performance, the little boy shouts "Putting on a bra!!!??" awkward. No kid, this is not how you put on a bra... well I guess maybe a racer back bra. You'll learn someday. Once the kids went to bed, I ate some of their chocolate cake and ice cream and a lot of cheese. Just like a good babysitter should.

My favorite weekend activity: leaving the city. This week: The beach! Can you believe how crowded it is?! I am always shocked. Despite how they look in the picture, the waves were big and the water was delightfully warm. While jumping and diving in waves, my foot came across something funny feeling. Seaweed clump? I thought.. I wrapped my toes around it to bring it to the surface. If it was seaweed, I was going to be a pest and throw it on my friends, obviously. As my toes pulled up the mystery ocean object, I had discovered a sunken SOCK! Who the heck wears SOCKS into the ocean?? Gross.

My beach lunch. Very tasty, but probably not the smartest choice of foods when wearing a bikini. And yes, I have a zebra beach towel. Trust me, it was the best option at Kmart.

Cloud watching the puffiest, fast moving vapory clouds at the beach. It's a bird..

it's a plane! .. a very very teensy one. Do you see it?

Hope you had a great weekend too! Now I have the Sunday night blues :-( I wish weekends didn't go by so quickly.

wacky dreams & wackier reality

2010-07-16T12:49:00.002-04:00

I am an overly imaginative dreamer, and I am always looking for someone to listen to what goes on in my unconscious brain.. so I thought I'd share with the world wide web! You should probably be excited.

My dream last night started in a kitchen. My boyfriend Steve was with me and he was lounging on the kitchen counter but the counter was plush like a sofa. I noticed that Steve had been making odd eye contact, it wasn't fully there. Then all of a sudden it was apparent that he was blind. He had been blind this whole time and I was just realizing it! 'How does he know what I look like?' I thought. 'How has he read my blog? and how has he gotten around without me noticing anything strange?' I wondered. So many questions filled my head. Did he know how to read Braille? How come he had never told me or I never noticed it before?

I specifically wondered how in Braille he understood that :D was a smiley face.

Somehow it never crossed my mind that he could still design beautiful things without his eyesight. He asked for a yogurt and immediately spit it out and said it was spoiled. The yogurt he spit out touched my lips but it didn't taste bad to me. I looked at the container and it had some date in '99 typed on the bottom. I didn't want to tell him the date especially since I knew he couldn't see it. I gave him a glass of water.

Then I was at grad school. I thought I was at some university in Washington, but overheard someone saying that it was in Alabama. I was confused as to where I was, so I decided to go for a walk. On my walk I passed dozens of other students. We were in a desert. I approached golden sparkly rocks and laid my hand on one of them. When I took my hand off the rock, my entire hand was covered in golden sparkly glitter. I wanted so badly for Steve to see it and understand how beautiful it was, but I knew he was blind and wouldn't understand. Then a dirty, large, mangy yellow lab came running beside me and trying to attack me, but there was a fence separating us and he couldn't get through. Another dog showed up and started jumping in and out of the fence as they were pacing me and I was scared. The end.

Obviously I know my dreams are weird, but what is weirder are the things that come up when I Google image search for what I see in my dreams. I like learning about odd things in the world. If my brain can come up with wacky things, I love to see even wackier things actually in existence. For example, I searched for the golden rocks I touched in my dream and found THIS peculiar gold nugget! It's like something right out of Dr. Seuss.

This bizarre rock in Myanmar called Kyaiktiyo Pagoda. This is sort of like the one I laid my hand on but it wasn't as big and wasn't wearing a crown-like hat like this one has on. Did you know that this huge golden rock exists in our world?! According to legend, it is perched on a strand of Buddha's hair.

Also, on Tuesday night I dreamed about a yard full of weeping willow trees covered entirely with Easter eggs. My friend Google helped me find THIS! An Easter egg tree in Germany just like what I saw! This one is covered in 9,500 hand decorated eggs!

What will I dream up next?!

Twenty Ten New Men part II - My Fairytale Jackpot

2010-06-13T20:18:00.001-04:00

For those of you who thought I'd never blog again, I am here to prove you wrong. I hope you're happy, Laina ;-) "Walk with me Wednesday" is not the most current post anymore so you can stop rolling your eyes and read my blog instead of using it as a portal to get to the other blogs whose authors actually update theirs.

I'm pretty sure all 6 people who check this blog anymore know me well enough on a personal level to know the most current events in my life (and yes, I do know there are only 6 readers because I have a tracker). Since I can't stop thinking, talking, and daydreaming about him, I am here to announce that after all this talk of '2010 New Men' and falling in love with fictitious characters in the movies, I am lucky enough to have actually fallen head over heels in love with a REAL boy! He trumps Edward Cullen, Jacob Black, Jake Sully, and Henry DeTamble any day. And the best part? The head over heels feelings are mutual.

It feels like I sped through all the rose ceremonies and won The Bachelor without having to compete against other nutso single women for the prize. I don't know how I got so lucky. And yes, I realize how cheesy I am. I can't even help it. Nope. Can't.

As someone who doesn't frequently fantasize about romance, I will say that I feel like I'm in a fairytale, or at least a romantic comedy--just don't let J-Lo or Katherine Heigl play me when the movie is made.

As for the story... A few months ago when Laina and I were discussing the details of her upcoming wedding, I realized I didn't know much about her reception decor. "Tell me everything!" I demanded. "What song are you dancing to? What is going to be on the tables? Are you still using birch wood?" She responded by telling me she was going to be surprised. She had a designer and he was going to do something amazing. She sent me the link to his website. Discussion of this designer turned into matchmaking, "jam AND guess what! I want to hook you up with STEVE the wedding decor designer!!!!!!" (this is a real copy/paste from a gchat convo mind you). Next it was "He is buying a ticket to New York for NEXT WEEKEND." When I caught up with friends over brunch, I was asked if there were any new guys in my life. I admitted that I had a major crush on a stranger I had never spoken to, only Facebook stalked. Communication was initiated (by me) and the mystery crush evolved into me obsessively refreshing my Facebook messages in anticipation of a new message from him. He was witty and I liked it.

His trip to NYC was a little shaky. I'm not getting into the details of it because I turned into the most shy and awkward person ever. Bratty almost. I was beyond nervous and intimidated. He was very cute and SO nice. He made me incredibly shy. Couldn't put sentences together. He'd ask me questions and I'd respond with one word answers. Idiot.

Fast forwarding to the good parts... lucky for me, he stuck with me long enough for me to come out of my shell. He came to NYC a second time. Crush was solidified. Boyfriend title was given. Lots of cupcakes were eaten. I couldn't get enough.. (enough of him I mean. I definitely had more than enough cupcakes)

Next on the agenda was the Seattle trip for Laina's wedding. Steve obviously put together the most beautiful reception ever and I was blown away--as was everyone else in attendance. Please see the pictures below to prove I am not biased.

Ok, so I may be slightly biased about one part. See those coconut cupcakes on the top next to the big lollipop? That was hands down the BEST cupcake I have EVER HAD. ever. And what girl wouldn't fall in love with a man who can bake delicious coconut cupcakes?!

The story gets even better: A few days after the wedding when I was still in Washington, Steve whisked me away on a surprise little plane ride to an island in the San Juans. HOW IS THIS REAL LIFE?! We were the only people on the island. It was us, our picnic basket, a few deer and some geese. It was the only sunny day the entire time I was in Seattle. What a miracle. We had the cutest most perfect picnic on the dock. I wish I could go back to that moment. I couldn't have dreamed up a more perfect afternoon with a dreamier guy.

He is so adorable!

So now I am back in New York counting down the days until I see him again. I can't believe how hard it is to be in a long distance relationship - ugh! I have equally mixed feelings of happiness and loneliness. I am so grateful for meeting someone so great. He is smart, extremely talented, kind, funny, weird, sings with me in the car when I force him to, and LOVES dessert. He has the whitest, brightest, biggest smile I have ever seen and a heart of gold. I am completely smitten and it is quite an amazing feeling to have.

...and yes, I did mean that I am literally counting down the days until I see him again. I made this paper chain out of post-its at work. 18 to go!!!

walk with me wednesday

2010-03-10T20:02:00.001-05:00

If you are a good friend of mine and have been privileged enough to browse through my phone, you know I have weird pictures. I believe I have been asked "uumm why do you have pictures of random people in fur coats?" my response.. "I don't know, because fur coats are weird and make me uncomfortable." I like documenting the peculiar people and things I see on the street and subways. So now, I invite you to come walk with me on Wednesdays and see the things that I see. I hope you enjoy.

14th Street - Stilts practice

literally just walking along by Trader Joe's minding his business like this was normal.

I keep falling in love

2010-03-09T00:05:00.005-05:00

Last year it was after reading the hundreds of pages outlining Edward Cullen's alluring mix of danger and classic romance. I cried through the books because I was so depressed that Edward didn't exist. For months I scanned the NYC subways looking for handsome pale men who could possibly be vampires.

Then I slightly swooned for Jacob Black when I saw him morph into his werewolf persona in New Moon.

Then I REALLY fell in love with Henry DeTamble this past summer in The Time Traveler's Wife. He loved his wife Clare SO much, I literally slobbered all over myself as I bawled in the theater, then proceeded to cry all the way home from the movie theater on the bus, AND cried myself to sleep that night because I wanted so badly to be in love just like they were.

My newest love interest struck me straight through the heart tonight. "I see you, Jake Sully." I think I was the last person in America to see Avatar, but I saw it tonight and it changed my life. I fell in love again! Behind my 3D glasses I was holding back my welling up tears as I wished I was in love with an alien warrior.

The thing is, I ~~sorta~~ realize these characters are fictional, but for some reason they really have made me emotional!!? .. It seems like it would be settling to fall for the average mortal romantic comedy heartthrob in comparison to my vampire, werewolf, time traveler and alien boyfriends. And who wants to settle?

Is this hottie next????

PS. I just Googled "why do I keep falling in love with fictional characters" and it seems to be quite common.

blog on pause

2010-02-22T21:28:00.002-05:00

stay tuned

U-BETTERWATCHOUT

2010-01-31T23:53:00.015-05:00

My arms are painfully sore and I have a strange chest pain because I moved my friend Kilali from her Brooklyn apartment into my Lower East Side apartment on Saturday. As she is from the UK, she doesn't have a US driver's license. Several weeks ago she asked if I'd drive the U-Haul and without thinking it through, I said sure.

On moving day eve I found myself obsessively studying maps of Manhattan and Brooklyn, compared the differences between Mapquest's and Google Map's suggested directions, printed 4 versions of directions, called U-Haul twice to discuss which streets commercial vehicles can't drive on, and sorted through which of my shoes would be the best driving shoes. I was convinced I'd get honked at 50+ times and be the recipient of several shouted out F-Bombs. But it was comforting to know that the white and orange truck clearly labeled U-HAUL basically meant U-BETTERWATCHOUT.

To ensure our strength, Kilali and I enjoyed a leisurely sit down breakfast then took the subway to U-Haul. We got there around 12:30 and the guy broke the news, "you were supposed to pick up the truck at 11. It is scheduled to go out again at 3:30. You only have 3 hours." shit. Shoulda hurried with that omelette.

We RAN around the parking lot, unlocked the truck, blasted the heat and took off. I owned the road as I drove across 34th Street. This isn't so hard. I turned on 2nd Ave and flew all the way downtown. As we approached Delancey Street I started to get nervous about the parked cars in the right hand lane. They were so close to me.

Kilali: Stay in the furthest right lane, it will be easier for the bridge
Me: Ok. But this doesn't feel like a lane
Kilali: It is, you're fine.

Me: This is not a lane! I am going to hit one of the parked cars!!

Kilali: Calm down you're fine here

Me: No, I am going to hit it!

.......BAAAAAAMMM

Kilali: Ok, so you hit it a little bit

And it just so happened to be a NYPD van! My U-Haul mirror "bumped" the NYPD van's mirror. Freaking out after my hit and run, I kept checking and rechecking my mirrors waiting for the flashing lights and hit and run ticket. I successfully fled the scene and crossed the Williamsburg Bridge into Brooklyn.

I parked and we started running up and down her apartment stairs loading the truck. Time was ticking!!! We efficiently loaded up all her stuff in a little over an hour and headed back to Manhattan with jello-y feeling arms.

We seriously were strapped on time when we parked the U-Haul on my street. It was 2:45 and we were meant to have the U-Haul back uptown in 45 minutes. We came up with the plan that we'd unload the truck and leave everything in the hallway of the building, return the truck and come back to bring it upstairs. Now, this was risky as anyone could steal her stuff when we left it unattended. There's not much a "DO NOT TAKE" sign can do without supervision. Long story short, the guy who manages the apartment building across the street volunteered to move it all upstairs while we returned the truck. Now he seems a little crazy, so I wasn't sure if we could believe or trust him but we didn't have much choice at this point.

Returning the truck was a blur. All I remember is that I almost hit a flying pigeon, I got cocky and honked at someone twice and we refilled the gas tank. I also kept having flashbacks of bumping the NYPD mirror and would burst out in nervous laughter asking Kilali what she would do if I got arrested.

I was relieved and happy to drop off the truck at exactly 3:30 when we pulled into the parking lot. The U-Haul employee said he was surprised we made it in time and even gave us some stupid speech about how women can do anything men can do. He asked "how many mailboxes did you hit?" Kilali said "none" while I mumbled "no mailboxes, just a cop car." He took the keys, we hailed a cab and went back downtown to the apartment.

As we approached the apartment I was so anxious to know if her stuff was all moved upstairs so I yanked open the metal door, the door bounced off my shoe and came back to harshly pound me in the head. Stunned, I looked at Kilali embarrassed and discreetly felt my head for blood or a dent.

Hiking up each of the flights, we looked for traces of her belongings. Floor one? Nothing. Two? Three? Four? nothing. Five? Five and a half.. her mattress. Sixth floor and there was all her stuff neatly stacked up outside of our apartment door. What a miracle!

Kilali unpacked and I remained on cloud nine thinking about the fact that I just DROVE in New York City! How badass and brave am I? I may have sore arms that I can't lift over my head, but I just drove 17 miles in NYC. I am considering taxi driver school.

I made her pose like this. She is in for a real treat to have me as a roommate

daynightmares

2010-01-26T22:18:00.002-05:00

If you know me, you know I have really weird dreams. e-v-e-r-y n-i-g-h-t. Sometimes I dream in full plots, other times I only remember a thing or two.

Last night I dreamt there was a cockroach in my bathtub. The night before I dreamt that my neighborhood was scary and I was being stalked and was trying to move into a small studio apartment and/or ride Splash Mountain.

Lately I have had dreams about babydolls, Twilight werewolves, novacaine, movie theaters, Tupperware, and stuffed animal corsages. It doesn't stop until I wake up. Until today. I think today was the first day that I started dreaming in real life... daydreaming you may ask? Daynightmare may be more like it.

Riding the subway to work this morning I was feeling very sleepy. This is not uncommon. I often close my eyes for the 9-stop ride. Today as I closed my eyes I started getting extremely paranoid that someone was going to hurt me. More specifically I was vividly picturing someone cutting my nose off. (!!!!!????!?!)

It escalated to the point where I was too scared to close my eyes anymore. Then the person next to me started searching their coat pocket for something. A knife to cut off my nose? Nope, just his iPhone. Swiss army knife app? Nope.

The second my eyelids got heavy enough to close again, the thought of my chopped off nose flashed back into my head. Eyes popped open.

Delusional tired morning? Perhaps.. But then I got on the subway tonight after work, closed my eyes and the nose chopping fear instantly returned.

three

2010-01-18T22:44:00.003-05:00

Happy NYC Anniversary to me! It was a full circle moment today because I flew back to my NYC home after a weekend in LA. As I flew into the city, I was trying to distract myself from almost peeing my pants so I started to think about the memories I have from moving here three years ago. It was SO cold, so foreign, so scary, and so new. Everything was unknown and I couldn't believe I was going to be living in New York City!

Today I woke up at 5am in LA wearing yesterday's makeup, threw some clothes on, ate a sausage McMuffin and boarded my plane back to good old NYC. But when riding in the cab through the East Village and into my neighborhood it felt new and unknown again, like it does every time I come back. But then I went in to my neighborhood Duane Reade where the cashiers know me and robotically ask, "did you find everything you was looking for?" and I had a reality check that felt like home again.

Happy THREE Years!!! Even though the Duane Reade girls know my facewash preferences, and equally comfort and irk me with their poor grammar, it still is weird that I LIVE here.
and yes, below is the said day-old makeup and tired, traveled, shiny face.

THEIR kidding, right?

2010-01-10T21:46:00.001-05:00

Theirs nothing worse than incorrect usage of homophones, right? WRITE!? RITE!! I sea these mistakes all the thyme and I had to paws when I came across a big won on 5th Avenue in the window display of Louis Vuitton! Please reed the sign below and notice the incorrect your/you're.

It seams they maid a pore choice when hiring for they're window designers.

life lessons from 2009

2010-01-01T17:19:00.004-05:00

Rather than listing my 2010 resolutions: ~~find a hobby, don't spend so much $$~~, I thought I would list a life lesson or realization I learned each month in 2009.

January

if you are stranded in Seattle, these people will give you a ride in their limo

February

drinking for 12 hours turns me into a pale elf

March

After buying a shot in Mexico you get a complimentary "massage"

April

if you have sinus pressure, apparently this helps?

(ok, I had barely any documentation of April)

May

never pick up a cactus.

June

I still remember how to check oil. Are you proud, Dad?

July

as long as you can drive through, you can use a drive-thru

August

people get naked on Fire Island

September

posture really is important

October

Halloween is not an excuse to show your belly button and happy trail.

November

always CHECK your plane tickets.

December

My fridge makes me look like a college boy.

happy

2009-12-31T16:13:00.010-05:00

new year!!

how was your Christmas break?

2009-12-28T21:35:00.007-05:00

Today I was among the 10 people who went back to work, 3 days after Christmas. The holiday spirit still was lingering in the office and my other three co-workers who stumbled into the office today were joyfully exchanging stories. I saw Avatar. I went to great parties. I went to New Orleans!!

Jamie, what did you do?

ummmm.. I did a 1000-piece puzzle .

yep, HUGE nerd.
I also played with this cute pup. How is she so cute? I just want to bite her ear off!!! Seriously clenching my jaw looking at this picture.

twenty ten new men - part I

2009-12-23T12:24:00.002-05:00

After my break up in September, my dear friend and future roommate Kilali (also victim of horrible relationships in '09) and I resolved to allow ourselves to be sad and pathetic for the remainder of the year but bounce back in the new year. From September through December I was MIA, ordered in a LOT of pad thai and laid on the couch watching countless hours of TV. But with the new year approaching, I am getting antsy and ready to head into the decade with our mantra TWENTY-TEN NEW MEN!

Let me set the record straight by saying this isn't a race to see who can be the bigger maneater, but more of a healthy mindset. The ex files are officially closed, folks. I must say, a boost of inspiration comes from my friends' blog the 4321 Experiment where four roommates (two of which I once called roommates) are all online dating and reporting their results for all to read. Over Thanksgiving my mom started nudging me: "why don't you try your own experiment? You need to see that not all guys are jerks." My response at the time: "Mom, I am NOT interested. Someone who hates all men should not be dating!!!!"

Flash forward one month and I have resolved to take matters into my own hands and seek out new and better men. Something clicked and I started twenty ten new men early.

For example...

Last week after drinking champagne at a work function, a few of us migrated to a bar. Being that we started drinking at 4, I was drunk by 8. I began making eyes--blatantly staring at a cute waiter. He was cute, tall and was wearing glasses. Somehow after tequila shots with gross Jersey Shore type guys, I boldly decided to give the scholarly-cute waiter my phone number. I walked up to him and when I tried to give him my number, he stopped me because he had already written his number for me to take.

Let the texting begin! I woke up painfully hungover on Friday and looked through my phone only to be embarrassed by the stupid texts I sent. But, they must not have been that bad because he kept asking when we could meet up. He came over to my friend's party on Saturday (through a blizzard mind you) and was SO nice, cute, friendly and tall. He is from Georgia, one of 5 siblings and confessed to reading the Twilight series. Aside from the Twilight confession, he did pass my test #1. I was wearing 3 inch heels which put me at 6'2", and he was STILL comfortably taller than me.

But things have gotten a little weird. He texts me at random times and has yet to set anything in stone. Hello, why can't you just pick a time and we will meet. It's called a date!? Come on Southern boy, you should know how to charm a lady!!

Yesterday he asked at 5:19pm if we could meet up. I said possibly later because I have to pack and run some errands before I leave for Seattle. No response. I woke up this morning to find a text received at 1:29am "You still out? need a drink or hot cocoa?" ...ummm no. I went to bed at 11:30. And this is where I get awkward. I don't know how to respond to that. I figure my options are:

1) "Hi. I was asleep at 1:30.. rain check?"
2) "By later, I meant 8 or 9, not 1:30"
3) "Are you a vampire? Why are you drinking cocoa at 1:30 am?"

Obviously I sent him text option 3.

TWENTY TEN NEW MEN!!

Let the games begin!

that fuzzy Christmas feeling

2009-12-22T20:56:00.006-05:00

Today I received a super chic and fancy Christmas present. It is the below tower of cute purple boxes with toffee, caramels and truffles from some swanky Upper East Side chocolate shop. I was so excited because A.) I love purple, B.) I don't have much food at home and C.) I have an aggressive fat inner child who could barely wait the subway ride home to binge on the chocolate for dinner.

I opened up the pretty the boxes and read the 'what's what' information inside and chose to try the Naga chocolate. Sweet Indian curry powder + coconut + milk chocolate. The circled chocolate below.

I bit into it and it was rock hard and coated inside with a strange powdery/fuzzy texture. I took a closer look at the inside (although it was really blurry because I JUST finally got my contacts). I thought maybe this was some strange exotic addition and was maybe the curry powder until I felt the fuzz of mold on my tongue. I ran to the bathroom to spit it out and wash out my mouth.

Laina and I cut up all the rest to see what was lurking inside. Out of the box of nine, two were moldy. Of course it was the one I bit into.

Merry Moldy Christmas!

chestnuts

2009-12-15T21:33:00.003-05:00

Roasting in a hot dog? stand..

I have equal feelings of intrigue and disgust seeing New York City's hot dog stands roast and serve CHESTNUTS during the holidays. The smoke is thick and REEKS! Whenever I have to pass a cart I make my best effort to dive out of the way before the wretched smell permeates my hair.

Maybe I don't fully grasp the whole chestnuts at Christmas time correlation (besides singing Jack Frooooost nipping at your nose). But today after work I was feeling inquisitive and got obsessed with ASKING a hot dog stand guy what the heck these nuts are doing sharing a basket with pretzels! They don't belong there.

I passed 4 or 5 stands until I gained the courage to ask about a nut display. The chestnuts were hanging in a tin foil bowl with a purple ribbon dangling at the bottom-so festive. I marched up and asked "What are these? And why do you have them?"

He responded simply, "they are chestnuts and we have them because people like them."

I asked stupidly, "well, do people actually buy them though? Because they stink!"

He said, "Yes, that's why we sell them."

"Well that makes sense. But isn't it weird that you sell them from a HOT DOG STAND next to PRETZELS and GATORADE?"

He either thought I was a major idiot, or didn't understand much of what I was saying. He laughed, shrugged and cracked open a nut for me to try.

I swear it tasted like a hot dog.

It's been a year!!!

2009-12-12T00:00:00.005-05:00

my blind date

2009-12-11T20:06:00.018-05:00

It is FINALLY Friday night and as I was wrapping up at work, I received a text message from my gay best friend.

"You doing anything tonight? Interested in seeing a single man at 1020?"

My thoughts = that's odd. Is he setting me up on a blind date? Who plans a date at 10:20? That's a weird time. I didn't think he knew any single, straight men. My response: "A straight single man?"

His response: "Ha! Tom Ford's new movie."

Oh. Right...

A few minutes later after feeling embarrassed and laughing at myself realizing I confused a movie for a man, I said, "So you realize I thought you were setting me up on a blind date, right? haha!"

"Yeah, I got that :-) Sorry don't know many single straight men"

I don't think anyone does.

ponytail lessons

2009-12-06T19:54:00.006-05:00

Laina: do you ever wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: no.

Laina: Why not?

Me: Because I have a weird shaped head.

Laina: Show me. I don't know what you're talking about.

I gather my hair and attempt to show her my weird head.

Laina: Has someone told you that your head is a weird shape?

Me: No, but I think so. Plus all the shorter pieces of hair fall in my face and are annoying.

Laina: You can pin them back. Ponytails are so convenient.

I get a ponytail holder and put my hair up and look at the back of my head with two mirrors.

Me: See, it just looks dumb. It sticks straight out and I don't know how high to wear it. My hair is too short to be in a ponytail anyway.

Laina: It does not look weird! And it does not stick straight out.

Me: Ok, but another reason I don't like them is since I'm tall when my hair is up it makes my head look tiny on a big body. Like a pea head.

Laina: You don't have a tiny head on a big body! Pull it up again and let me see. If you don't wear your hair in ponytails because you think you have a weird head or look like you have a tiny head, that's not true and not a legitimate reason to not wear ponytails. If you don't wear them because you simply don't like them, then that's fine.

Me: Ok, I don't like them.

I swear we've had this conversation before.

reindeer games

2009-12-03T22:08:00.009-05:00

Holiday parties are starting to be talked about at work. I got an email from another assistant about planning a surprise Christmas party. It went a little something like this:

So- for our December monthly meeting coming up, the last 30 minutes will be a mini holiday celebration - it will be a surprise. I'm going to need some help so anyone else that would like to volunteer, please pass this along! I'm in the process of ordering pastries, cupcakes, gingerbread men, coffee, and mimosas.

I'm going to need help passing out the treats and drinks. I've got some cute little Santa hats and reindeer noses for you all to wear! Plus mini candy canes to pass around. Please let me know if you can/want to help out and we can talk at some point next week to nail down the plan. Thanks!

I of course volunteered to help, but said a big HELL to the NO to wearing a reindeer nose. One girl replied to all saying:

I'm def in to help. I refuse to wear a reindeer nose unless I have 5+ mimosas. :-)

This will be fun to work with all people my age. Today we had our first planning meeting. The girl planning it was talking about her boss and how crazy he has been about it. She said he has called her a few times at night just to tell her the ideas he's thought of.

One of his ideas is that he is making her sing! She has created a makeshift band with other employees to perform during the party. Her most annoying band member is the flutist. haha. The other planners and I teased her about how embarrassing and lame it is going to be. The meeting and "party" will begin at 9am! Who is going to get in the social and holiday spirit and want to party at 9:30am!??

During all the joking and laughing, I uncontrollably said "oh too bad I didn't know about this sooner, I would've sang with you."

biggest. mistake. ever.

Now she asked me to come to her band practices! This party is going to be a bad rendition of a Glee song. How am I going to sneak away from my desk for my secret reindeer Glee club practices?

Other things her boss wants us to do that are equally embarrassing are:

Sing-- obviously embarrassing
Throw fake snow into the crowd
Head of HR dress up as Santa Claus
Walk down the main staircase in Santa hats and reindeer noses serving platters of candy canes
Did I mention singing in front of 160+ work professionals with a reindeer nose on?!

I can just hear future conversations now:

"Who is the new girl in PR? I keep forgetting."

"Oh, that reindeer singer girl who threw fake snow."

"That's right. What a nerd."

case in point.

To Be Continued...

funny Target

2009-12-03T20:19:00.005-05:00

Catch Phwase

2009-11-30T23:56:00.001-05:00

Important preface to the story is that I was a nanny for 3 years in college. All three of the kids I babysat had the same speech impediment. Y's replaced L sounds and W's replaced R's. SO.. Aftew thwee yeaws of babysitting them I yeawned a pewfected babytalk and tend to talk in it fwom time to time. My famiyee has also twied it too and we talk yike it pwobably a yitt-oh too much, you will yeawn once you wead this stowy beyow.

Being home for Thanksgiving was great. What's more to love than family, food and games? I love to bring out all the board games whenever I'm home and force everyone to play at any slight sense of downtime. Waiting for mom to cook? Grab Scategories. Don't want to help with the dishes? Bring out Boggle.

I've had my favorites: Boggle was great last year at Christmas with my bro, Cranium entertained us all for hours last year at Thanksgiving, Balderdash was a hit a couple years ago on family vacation. Scategories is always a winner to me. And what was this year's winner? drumrolllllll......... trusty old Catch Phrase.

For some reason Catch Phrase seemed a little overplayed to me and I wasn't excited at first. Then the "how do you play?" questions started.. my family had never played before? Or had they forgotten?? This could be fun. So I explained the rules to everyone: "You have to say clues about whatever word pops up in this little window viewer thing without saying any part of the word," and I displayed how to click the disk (yes, literally click because we still have the original non-electronic first generation game).

We divided into teams. Me and my brother-in-law against my sister and Mom. We got a few rounds in before Dad's ears perked up at the sound of fun and he relocated from his solitary TV watching to join in. This complicated the teams having 5 people and uneven teams. The new teams were Mom, Sister, Brother-in-law versus Me and Dad. The seating arrangements were complicated too. We had a hard time with the logistics, but got a good game going. We had a nice flow until the buzzer started going spastically fast and Sister would pass to Brother-in-law and it would BUZZ causing Sister to get pissed that even after she got her word guessed, her team would still lose because she passes to her teammate.

Well, I pointed out that her slowdown was on par with mine because Dad was unable to read the tiny print within the disk's word viewer thing. Every time it was passed to him he'd sit there forever before he could make out the word. At one point he and Mom were sharing a pair of glasses back and forth which didn't work so well when they were passing both the disk and the glasses. This is a competition!

It was pure chaos when Mom thought she was trying to get her teammates to guess Bite the Bullet but misread it to be Bite the Dust and embarrassed herself by overly explaining "someone is JUST dead. They're TOTTTALLY dead.... ohmygosh that is NOT the phrase at all" Click to the next word. We all busted out laughing.

Dad was trying to get me to guess encore and my mind went blank. Mom was trying to get her team to guess Fingers and for some reason she apparently had been focused on the chicken fingers I had eaten at the airport TGI Fridays and kept talking about chickens to get her team to guess fingers. No one was even close to guessing fingers when she frustratedly shouted "FORGET ABOUT THE CHICKENS!!"

But the best Catch Phrase moment of all was when my mom was trying to get her teammates to guess broom so she said "You SWEEP with it!" and my sister yelled "a BLANKET!!"

Sounds yike my big sistoh has had a yitt-oh too much baby talk when she mistook SWEEP for SLEEP!

EWR ---> SEA

2009-11-26T15:42:00.054-05:00

Wednesday November 25th 3:55pm flight to Seattle.

..out of Newark.

Out of the three NYC airports, Newark is my least favorite to fly out of -- especially during the holidays.

We had a half day at work so I left at 12, got on the subway to 34th Street, walked to Penn Station, waited in line for 15 minutes to buy my train ticket, got on the train and transferred to the air train.

At the air train station I checked the monitor for my flight and correct terminal. My flight wasn't posted. hmm that's weird. I must be early or the monitor must not be updated. I boarded the overly crowded air train anyway and was crammed into the little pod-like compartment among the other holiday travelers.

While in my seat on the air train I decided to verify my travel documents. Why wasn't my flight on the screen?? Waves of a sickening feeling started in my stomach. I unfolded my printed confirmation email to see "New York-Kennedy" discreetly printed at the very bottom. I AM ON MY WAY TO THE WRONG AIRPORT!!!!!!!!!!!

Panic, shaky hands, stomach cramps, frantic texts filled with misspellings to Jecca and Laina take place. Obviously I can't start making phone calls and let eavesdroppers hear of my mistake. I have to maintain a little bit of composure in front of my fellow air train-ers. I texted my mom, I texted Laina, Colleen and Jecca something along the lines ofHoly s***!!! My flight is out of JFK and I'm headed to Newark! F***

I got off the air train at terminal A and started a mad dash in pointless circles back and forth between the American Airlines ticketing counter to the escalator to the window and back again. I called my parents' house, I called my mom's office, I called my mom's cell, I called my dad's cell, I texted my sister... NO RESPONSES! Where is my family during this emergency! I may be absent from our Thanksgiving dinner!!

Luckily, thanks to gchat, Jecca stepped in and took the necessary steps to help me. She got on the phone with a car service who told her traffic between Newark and JFK would be an hour and a half. I would never make the flight. She checked the Alaska flights out of Newark and the 6:30pm flight wasn't sold out. She sent me the 1-800 number for Alaska Airlines.

I found a semi-private corner to make the call. I was connected with Sharon.

"Hi-Sharon- my-name-is-Jamie-and-I-am-traveling-to-Seattle-from-New-York-I-was-supposed-to-go-to-JFK-and-I-went-to-Newark-I-am-at-the-wrong-airport-I am-never-going-to-make-my-flight-home-for-Thanksgiving-what-can-I-doooo?"

While she put me on hold, I called my dad on my other phone. Terrified freak in the airport corner with two Blackberries, one on each ear. With hold music in one ear and my dad's voicemail in the other, I left my dad a panicky message.

Sharon got back on the phone and told me that I can leave from Newark on the 6:30pm flight. "PERFECT. Let's do it!"

"Bless your heart, dear. You will make it home in time for Thanksgiving. You're not the first person this has happened to. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!"

"Thank you so much! You have been so helpful. I will make it home to see my family, but they will never let me live this down. Thanks so much for your help!! Happy Thanksgiving!"

$305 later, after my "expensive mistake" as per Sharon, my ticket was changed.

I finally got in touch with my mom who was completely and surprisingly calm about the situation.. does she not know what trauma I just went through?! Does she realize her 25 year old daughter should be in assisted living?! She blamed my lazy eye.. That's right! I would have been able to get to the correct airport if I had some freaking contacts!

Anyway, I made it to Seattle and I am thankful for Jecca, gchat and Sharon from Alaska Airlines this year. Seriously.. if it wasn't for them I'd probably still be curled up in a ball crying in the corner of terminal A.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

googly eye?

2009-11-23T11:52:00.002-05:00

I went to the eye doctor yesterday for the first time in 6 or 7 years. I've had glasses since I was 16 but never wear them. The lenses don't even fit in the frames anymore. I've known since I was a teenager that I have astigmatism and figured that as a 25 year old adult, I'd better get a check up. At work I have to pull my computer monitor an embarrassingly close distance to my face so I figured I was in store for an updated prescription and maybe even (gasp!) contacts.

At the doctor I did the normal tests - the puff of air in the eye (which always makes me think of Rachel on Friends), followed the doctor's pen move around in circles, and read the eye chart from across the room. I found that I had a really hard time distinguishing any letters with my left eye when my right eye was covered. Everything looked like teensy little grey blurry blobs.

She wrote some things on her clipboard and said,

"You have astigmatism. It's worse in your left eye and making it a

mild

LAZY eye.

have you ever been told that?"

"umm. nope... "

She left the room and I sat there shocked wondering about my newly announced lazy eye. Is this something people can see and NO ONE has EVER told me?!! Do people not know which eye to look at when they talk to me?? That is SO awkward! She said when I followed the pen my eye was floaty! I never knew I had a set of googly eyes.

When I got home I made Laina stare at me. She said she couldn't see it. But I feel like I have a set of

gOoGLy eyes.

my matinee date

2009-11-21T13:00:00.006-05:00

oh you know.. just hanging out with some ceee-yuute boys today

so what if they're only 17 years old?

sensory underload

2009-11-20T19:22:00.021-05:00

In any big city, we have sensory overload. Thousands of sights to be seen, things to be heard, food to taste, things to feel, and smells to be smelled (although usually an unpleasant trash and pee combo). We have the gift of senses.. did we forget that?

A few weeks ago I heard on the news that NYPD vehicles have been outfitted with a device called the Rumbler. Ever since I heard this story I've been a little obsessed. This is a device that is used in tandem with the LOUD and forceful audible siren. The Rumbler emits vibrations that can be felt, so drivers with their stereos on and pedestrians with headphones on can be alerted to the approach of emergency vehicles. Are bright flashing RED and blue lights and ear splitting sirens not enough to catch our attention anymore? Soon we're going to have to be tasered.

iPods and car stereos aren't the only things to be blamed. Texting, Twittering, Facebooking while walking are all the things that are endangering us. We don't pay attention to what we're doing or where we're going. We've seen the headlines: "Texting Teen Falls Down Manhole," London introduced a "safe texting street" !!lined with padded lampposts!! Are we going to have to text-proof our world now? Ridiculous.

But, I too am guilty which is why I am writing this post. On Wednesday after work I had some time to kill before meeting a friend. I decided to walk around a little bit--look for my future husband... hey, you NEVER know!

Anyway.. I'm walking along and glance at my iPod to ensure Lady Gaga is on repeat when BAMMmM! One of my biggest fears takes place! Did I miss seductive eye contact with a handsome 6'4" stud? .no. .worse.

Carelessly in my Lady Gaga iPod dilemma, I failed to see

THIS

headed straight at me!

I had to JUMP over the cane to avoid tripping both of us! My lack of awareness and appreciation for my eye sight got me thinking about how much I take it for granted. It's sad to think about people who are living with the challenges of not having all working senses in comparison to those of us who would rather have iPods in our ears and BlackBerries in front of our faces.

I say, put the phone in the pocket, pull the headphones out of your ears and take a look and listen around. We're lucky we can see, hear, touch, taste, and smell our world.

even if it does sometimes smell like pee.

for Colleen

2009-11-16T19:43:00.006-05:00

you know what its for.
I love you.

this just seems wrong

2009-11-08T21:41:00.010-05:00

In college I used to happily blast the Mariah Carey Christmas CD in my dorm room the day after Halloween. Once Halloween was over I basically considered it Christmas and gladly embraced the holiday season. For some reason I am a total Scrooge and in denial this year. But its creeping up on me everywhere! Here are just a few examples...

Although not yet lit, the LES Christmas lights were hung in my neighborhood BEFORE Halloween.

Today, on a day where I had a PICNIC in Central Park at a comfortable 60-something-degree sunny day, we noticed that the Christmas star is ALREADY hanging in the 57th Street intersection.Trying to ease into it, I have Mariah Carey playing right now, but it does not feel right. Where did summer go? I just spent the past 3 hours going through my clothes and hanging all my sweaters converting my closet into a winter closet.

How is this happening??!!

Shut up Mariah! I don't care who you want for Christmas... It is NOT time for you yet.

Does anyone agree with me? I'm pissed.

x y z

2009-11-03T20:24:00.012-05:00

Today was one of those days where everything was off. First of all, I hate Tuesdays with a passion. They are always my worst days. I snoozed my alarm for too long, decided to download music instead of get ready, just missed the subway. I seemed to have fallen out of the "loop" that I need to be in at work. I couldn't do anything right. In an email fight with my boss (fight = normal emails by the way... I am clearly overly sensitive) I was forced to apologize for something really minor that wasn't even a problem rather than lack of clarity.. blaghhh I hate being forced to admit to my boss that I am an incapable idiot.

ANYWAY..

Today was one of those days where I didn't seem to understand anything around me. I missed meetings I didn't know I was supposed to be in, I was included in projects I didn't know my boss volunteered me to help out in. I accidentally said "fart" instead of "part" and I was put in charge of managing the remodeling of a new office!!!? I didn't know any of the correct technical and contractor terms I should've been using when speaking with the head of facilities and information systems. Again.. I sounded like a huge idiot. (think: "ohh so your department only hooks up the phone wires and not the ..umm .. power wires?)

When deciding what to do after work today, I figured it would be best to go straight home to avoid any more forced announcements of my idiocity. Plus all I really wanted to do anyway was watch Gossip Girl and eat the $6 worth of broccoli I bought this weekend (Whole Foods is hella expen$ive!) I sat on the subway home rethinking my day and getting frustrated with myself and how I need to try harder tomorrow and do a better job before my boss really starts regretting hiring me.

Frustration and annoyance with my lack of savviness in life started to take over until this entered my subway train and stood right in front of my face. This is when my staring problem and immaturity took over. My formerly frustrated furrowed brow was lifted as my inner 3rd grader was overjoyed and dying to yell

"XYZ! eXamine Your Zipper!!!"

He must have been having a lousy Tuesday too. It's nice to know that in a city where everyone seems so polished and put together, this guy wasn't. At least all of my clothes were properly on and fastened today.

I realize that my level of excitement over this is very pathetic. But its probably more pathetic that I ate $6 worth of broccoli!

10/31!

2009-10-31T10:54:00.014-04:00

HApPy HaLlOwEeN

I've been excited about this holiday for weeks. I love Halloween. I love dressing up and seeing how creative people can be. I have been planning my costume for 2 weeks! I pulled out all the stops to put my costume together. I had some arts and crafts time and even eBayed to get the right accessory pieces! Here is my inspirational photo. I'm going as the Hamburglar tonight!

Laina and I have had some mini festivities at home with kitchen craft time. She loves looking at baking blogs and I came home from work to find her hard at work baking (and burning) cookies for a spiderweb treat we'd bring to a pumpkin party. I sought out looking for carvable pumpkins for our party and wandered around our neighborhood unsuccessfully to over 6 places only to find out pumpkins are SOLD OUT.!!? I managed to find 2 little pumpkins that I wasn't sure we'd even be able to carve. We decorated our cookies and went to our party! So fun!

Her best decorated cookie

My best decorated cookie

My pumpkin was carvable! And he liked our cookies too :-)

Halloween turns me into a little kid!! I'm pretty sure I embarrassed Kilali in the costume shop and just now jumped into Laina's bed with spooky hands and said
"oohhh happy halloweeeeeeeen!!" Her response: "yep. your favorite holiday."

Can't wait to steal some burgers from McDonald's tonight!

mama, mary poppins & midnight burgs

2009-10-29T00:10:00.020-04:00

My mom came to visit me for a NYC staycation a few weeks ago and we had SO MUCH FUN! She arrived on a Friday evening and came to "pick me up" from work. (I've had a track record of being a slightly cranky hostess with visiting family members, but I PROMISED to be nice this time...) I was SO niiiice I even let her take a pic of me in my desk at work.

Our staycation would not be complete without staying in a Midtown hotel and having a semi-itinerary planned. Most important items on the agenda were where (and how frequently) we could eat. Our hotel was close to Madison Square Park and the famous Shake Shack where I had never been. Such a shame as a New Yorker that I can't always participate in the constant burger debates without sampling what Shake Shack has to offer. In passing I pointed out the always-long, curvy line of burger customers winding through the park (at all hours of the day). We came up with our plan of attack--we would either go right before they close or for breakfast when they open. We were determined to get a burger and beat the line.

Saturday was filled with pancakes and a bit of shopping. We went to see the lovely Broadway production of Mary Poppins and loved it! 3/4 of the way through the second half I started thinking about Shake Shack and it evolved into an obsession. I. HAD. TO. HAVE. IT... TONIGHT. So... I pantomimed eating an invisible burger to my mom and our mother-daughter brain waves synchronized and it was confirmed without using any words that we would be eating burgers post-show. My mouth watered thinking about fries and cheesey burger.. ketchup and crispy lettuce.

I didn't realize that we were carelessly giving Mary Poppins and the Banks family a standing ovation while the burger clock was ticking away! Shake Shack closes at 11pm and we were still in the theater still at 10:40! we have to get out of here!!!

We hurried out the door but were in Times Square. This is no place to get a cab. A pedi-cab rang his puny bicycle bell and offered a ride--doesn't he realize he can't pedal our fat asses fast enough to get us a much needed 11pm night cap burger?!

I decided we'd be better off speedwalking out of Times Square to find a cab. We walked to 5th Ave and I jumped in a cab.

"23rd STREET MADISON SQUARE PARK AS FAST AS YOU CAN!"

10:56pm and we got to the Southwest corner of the park and ran through the blinking crosswalk hand. "We're never going to make it!" I shout to my mom as we're running. I stopped running feeling defeated and sad that we weren't getting burgers. Mom keeps running full speed ahead with no signs of slowing down!

"Stop running. This is pointless!!!!!!!!!!!"

She didn't listen to me! She kept running full speed ahead so I started running again too. We got to the window and were panicky until the employee stuck his head out and said "If you ladies want to order you need to do it now. We're closing." IT WAS A BURGER MIRACLE!

"TWO CHEESEBURGERS!" I yelled without looking at any menu. "two orders of fries and diet cokes?" I ordered in a questioning voice seeking my mom's approval all at once in disbelief we made it.

Once the order was successfully placed we started laughing hysterically out of relief that we were going to be satisfying our craving for burgers at this hour in the night. And laughing at how serious and stressful this quest for burgers had become.

Here are the victory pictures

classic post-burger-binge shame

mom and sister are coming for a visit verrrrry soon! Burgers anyone??!?!?!

where has my ugly naked guy gone?

2009-10-06T23:09:00.021-04:00

As I mentioned awhile back, I have my own ugly naked guy who lives across my building. He is often partially or fully naked, has vibrant red bedding and stays up pretty late at night. It has become part of my nightly ritual to take a peek out my window to see what's going on with him.

Lately I have had a few close calls to thinking he had moved out of our building. Once the red sheets were replaced with new white sheets, another time there was a red mattress out on the sidewalk in front of our apartment building--did he move out?! I was always fearfully wondering. I was worried and had a gut feeling he was going to leave soon. Then one night I saw there was a girl in his room! This must be a new guy, because the ugly naked guy I know had never had a girl over! But somehow, the red sheets resurfaced and my faithful ugly naked guy still inhabited the room below me.

Sadly this all changed last night as I was going to bed. I did my nightly peek and found this shocking discovery!! Clean wood floors, no red bed, and no ugly naked guy.

I can't believe this.

best two out of three

2009-10-05T20:22:00.002-04:00

"In New York they say you're always looking for a job, a boyfriend or an apartment. So let's say you have two out of three and they're fabulous. Why do we let the one thing we don't have affect how we feel about all the things we do have?"
-Carrie Bradshaw, Sex & The City

My good friend Kilali reminded me of this episode as we caught up over pasta, steak and a bottle of wine last week. I've been reflecting on my almost three years(!!) in New York and based on my track record, found this quote to be true.

When I first moved to NYC I had all three: job, boyfriend and apartment. The job and the apartment were far from amazing, but they did the trick. Then the boyfriend and I broke up shortly thereafter. I still had 2/3: job and apartment.

By the time I gained a new boyfriend my lease was up and I had to find a new apartment. I was literally homeless and bummed around on friends' couches and airbeds for a month. But I had 2/3: job and boyfriend.

There was a short period of time when I had all three again, but the relationship faded away. I was left with 2/3: job and apartment.

Said boyfriend and I were on-again-off-again for awhile, and during an "on" time I had to find yet another apartment. I had a stable 2/3: job and boyfriend during this time.

The apartment was found, I still had the same job, but the boyfriend and I broke up immediately after I signed the lease (I was literally assembling my new dresser in my empty apartment when we broke up). But I still had 2/3: job and NEW apartment.

It was me, job and apartment for awhile until I gained a boyfriend. It was a brief encounter having all three again, but it was only a few weeks until I was laid off from my job. But to get me through it, I had 2/3: boyfriend and apartment.

My job search was on for a few months and I landed a fantastic job and essentially again had all three for a bit. Then boyfriend and I broke up which leaves me in my current 2/3 state: NEW job and apartment.

Making sense of my jumbled timeline is confusing and my summary is probably not even fully accurate. To break it down, I've had 4 jobs, 2 boyfriends and 4 apartments all in under 3 years. Its confusing and hard to remember which apartment went with which job, etc. Basically I have found that I am always missing or wanting a new one of the three things when I should be happy and proud of what I have.
As for my fraction balancing now, I am not letting my job go anywhere... so I guess that means by the time I need a new apartment I'll have a new boyfriend, right? I suppose it only makes sense.

what I've been missing in my life

2009-10-03T18:01:00.013-04:00

One thing is driving me nuts... literally. Nutella. We all go through stages of cravings, but this one is getting bad. I come home from work and eat this for dinner.
It all started awhile ago when I started mentioning to Laina that I was really missing Nutella in my life. Then it really opened a can of worms when I ordered vanilla Nutella panini ice cream sandwiches last Friday. It was pretty much the best thing that's ever happened to me. Now I can't get it off my mind or off my spoon! I bought myself a jar last week and then Laina came home with one to surprise me! Now we have 2 jars in our kitchen and I've lost all self control and begun trying to incorporate it in every meal. Here are a few images that make me happy and want another spoonful.

yum. Hey Laina--Halloween costumes?

milk to go

2009-08-19T22:25:00.006-04:00

I love "to go" things as much as the average person. I love that I have the option of picking up take out, grabbing a coffee on my way to work, or eating Go-Gurt. We live on the go!! This was made very clear to me when I saw this mom strolling down Fifth Avenue BREAST FEEDING her baby!!Some things are not meant to be portable just quite yet.

slip ups

2009-08-11T21:17:00.002-04:00

What's a first day of work without a little awkwardness, right?

I went to bed Sunday night exhausted from a crazy fun too-much-vodka exactly-how-I-wanted-it-to-be weekend. I was too tired to even plan out my outfit the night before... yep, I was THAT tired! I am the girl who has her closet color coordinated and always has her outfit picked out the night before and ESPECIALLY on the eve of an important day!!

I first awoke from a nightmare where Juliann (my weekend Boston visitor) caused me to miss my first day of work because she couldn't find her bus back to Boston! So I woke up stressed out and confused with how much time to give myself for my new commute. I ended up being about 7 minutes late for paperwork. Big fat OOPSIES...

I got my ID issued, got to my new desk, was welcomed, got a little tour, etc. Phew.. so far so good. Then I realized that I have been meaning to buy a slip for the skirt I decided to wear yesterday because it is see through--oh yeeahhh... Definitely see through and yesterday was also laundry day which means I didn't have the best choice of undergarments. I decided to go to Bloomingdales on my lunch break to buy a slip. I told the sales girl I didn't need a bag for it because I was going to put it on immediately. She glanced down and noticed my cream colored skirt and grey underwear combo and with a little smirk, pointed me to the fitting room. I got in the fitting room and put the slip on and all of a sudden MARBLES flew off my wrist and bounced all along the fitting room floor. My favorite bracelet broke and went bouncing around in the Bloomingdales fitting room.

I scooped the beads up and realized I was starving. Food was second on my lunch to do list after the slip, so I wandered around my new work area in search of a deli. I found one that seemed strangely familar so I walked in. This deli had hand drawn pictures of all the food just like one near my former employer Abercrombie & Fitch. hmm interesting, I thought. They had the exact same things and prices too. That's when I made eye contact with one of the guys behind the counter and we exchanged a strangely familiar look. It was one of the guys who used to make my turkey club for me every day at my old deli!!!

In the packed deli he shouts, "hey I remember you! How are you? Your hair is different, but I would never forget you!"

I responded that I recognized him too and that I have highlights now. He informed me that the deli has the same owners as my alma mater deli a few blocks away. We had a nice little laugh as he handed me my familar and comforting turkey club.

Still smiling at the irony and full circle moment I had, I was stopped by the receptionist on my way back to my desk because I had a flower delivery! My boss had sent me flowers as a welcome! So fun!!! Day one yesterday was a slip up success.

friday funday

2009-08-07T09:23:00.002-04:00

I'm SO excited it's finally Friday!! It's my last day of work, my Boston bestie Juliann is visiting, I'm slightly hungover for the second day in a row, and this weekend is gonna be FUN! I may as well be wearing this.

strapped for cash

2009-07-28T12:24:00.061-04:00

So we're in a recession and funds are tight. I live in an apartment where the rent costs me literally 48.998% of my monthly salary. Depressing. Stressful. (And yes, I did play around with the calculator to get the closest percentage possible.)

This morning I decided to look online at potential part-time jobs. I could work in a boutique or babysit once or twice a week, right? I have no experience in the food/bar biz so that minimizes my options a lot. I've been doing some Craiglisting and here's what I found. What do you think?

Pretty Girls With Pretty Feet Wanted! ($600 - $800 Per week)

Famous foot fetish company in New York City that specializes in
Foot Fetish Sessions is seeking very attractive girls ages 18 - 29
to get paid $50 per hr to have their feet massaged and kissed
during foot fetish sessions! There is guaranteed work for each
model we hire at least 2 days per week.

As a bonus, the girls we hire for this will also get to work at our
world famous foot fetish parties in NYC! You will get to make
up to $500 per night going to an upscale party and having your feet
worshiped!

Its some of the easiest money you will ever make and there is
absolutely no sex, you don't have to be nude, and it is 100% legal
unlike other fetish jobs you may have seen on craigslist. Perfect for
actresses, models, and college students that need high paying
part time fun and easy work in this super expensive city.

To get this job you must be very attractive, have pretty feet,
be open minded about fetishes and fantasies, adventurous,
and enjoy parties and being fun and social. You also must
be punctual and responsible at the same time.

We are hiring asap so apply now if you feel you qualify and please
send ALL THREE of the following....
1. Your Name
2. Your Number
3. A Recent Photo

We will call you asap if interested and could possibly get you
some work as soon as this week! Good luck and talk to you soon!

This might be one of the weirdest things I have ever researched. PLEASE check out their website for foot fetish parties! There's actually one tomorrow night! I spent a lot of time just now reading all the pages, FAQ's and looking at the pics! wtf!?? I wonder if my feet are pretty enough to make it?

From what I read, you may be asked to do a "private session" where attendees can do whatever their twisted foot-lusting minds desire including Foot Worship, Trampling, Tickling, Foot Smelling, and Foot Domination. The only thing I'd want to partake in is Foot Domination and only if that means kicking someone in the face.

Make money fast! (Lower East Side)

Reps needed to canvas the 5 boroughs and locate wheel-chair accessible restrooms. Start immediately. Please contact us and let us know which borough you are interested in researching. Looking specifically for people in Queens, Brooklyn, Staten Island, and the Bronx. Reps will also be required to enter address and phone number of found locations into a spreadsheet. We need this done, thoroughly, accurately, and immediately. Compensation: $5 for every location you identify.

This one doesn't seem so bad?! It's like a hunt for wheelchair bathrooms! But at $5 per location identified you'd have to spend a lot of time running around NYC bathrooms to make it worth it. I wonder if you could just start calling businesses asking if they're wheelchair accessible?? hmm... this has potential.

Noho Boutique seeking experienced Sales Person (SoHo)

A Bleecker Street boutique in the works to becoming the leading men’s fashion destination is seeking an experienced, talented, communicative sales associate to be part of our team. The boutique is scheduled for its grand opening in September, until then we will get to know you by participating in our sample sale.

Qualifications:
-Strong Sales Experience!!! Only experienced need apply!
-You must have a history of positive sales in a boutique environment.
-Cash handling experience/Cashier Experience
-Friendly
-Must be able to pass a background check
-Must be flexible
-Must have an eye for fashion/Coordinating
-Must have a fresh personal style
-Great Customer Service
-Must manage time efficiently: work quickly and effectively
-You must be proactive in your approach
-You must be the type of person who exhibits high standards in all areas of the workplace, promoting team morale and motivation.
- You are expected to create a sales focused environment and to maximize sales whenever possible.

Job Details:
-Working Cash Register
-Working Sales
-Working Fitting room
-Putting Back Clothes
-Picking Phone orders
-Visual (Dressing Manikins) <--NOTE THE SPELLING!
-Merchandising
-Greeting/ Customer Service
-Working with High-End Clothing

This post really isn't hilarious or weird or interesting.. I just think its funny that they are so particular with their qualifications and don't even know how to spell mannequin! I guess it does say the only thing you must pass is a background check, not a spelling test.

So what do you think? Feet, Toilets, or Manikins?

swimming lessons

2009-07-27T22:51:00.009-04:00

We've been having daily dosages of afternoon thunderstorms. The weather is hot, muggy, thundery, lightning with sporadic rain showers. Only a true New York woman uses this forecast to her advantage. Free swimming lessons!

Lesson one: the pencil dive.

help I need socks

2009-07-22T21:18:00.012-04:00

Ricky's (think Rite Aid+Sex Shop+Spencer's+beauty supply shop+costume store) was promoting a new line of health remedies called Help. On my walk home from work today I saw the launch of the product, complete with a live display for the bandages Help I have a blister.

and THIS is how they advertise. Man in heels on treadmill brings you Help I have a Blister!

Although the more I think about it, its not really that funny because he probably dresses drag in his free time so heels are no biggie. AND is this Help product merely a package of socks?? Because wouldn't his socks prevent the blister from forming in the first place?

was gonna complain about my job, but...

2009-07-22T09:58:00.024-04:00

I better be careful what I say!

Yikes!!! what happened to freedom of speech?!

I feel the need to complain a little bit anyway:

Yesterday someone literally emailed me an address and told me to print it on a label and stick it on an envelope. I can't believe I went to college for this. I have papercuts on my knuckles.
My fave bra broke this morning.
My skirt keeps spinning around backwards when I walk.
Monday night some kid ran by me and slapped my ass.

How is it only Wednesday?

i'm SO cool

2009-07-17T13:16:00.023-04:00

literally. so cool

I made a way overdue air conditioner purchase yesterday! Walking home from the train on an 84°+ muggier-than-I-can-handle Thursday I felt inspired and spur of the moment. I walked past some shop in Chinatown with appliances in the window. I turned around and went in.

"Hi I need the smallest air conditioner you have."
"what's the square footage of the room?"
"I have no idea. Very small. Look, I need a small AC that I can carry home right now."

---am I really supposed to be able to know square footage of things??---

He brings me a box. I pay for it and walk home. This is awkward and really heavy! My black skinny jeans are soaking up and magnifying the sun's rays! My knee pits are sweating so much! I make it up 3 flights of stairs, almost fall backwards. Jeans are suffocating my legs. must. keep. going. 3 more flights. I unlock the apartment. Holy Hell it must be 110 degrees! I peel off sweat saturated black claustrophobic wetsuit skinny jeans. All clothes come off.

I put the AC together, get it in the window, turn it on. SUCCESS! I am so proud of myself. ouchhh my fingers. Fingers are bleeding. Every finger has little stripy cuts. wtf.

Oh well, I feel proud and independent and handymanish. I make up a little Destiny's Child 'Independent Women' remix in my head.

All the women who are independent
Throw your AC's up at me
All the honeys who makin' money
Throw your AC's up at me
All the mommas who profit dollas
Throw your AC's up at me
All the ladies who truly feel me
Throw your AC's up at me

I told Dan I had a surprise for him when he comes over. TADAAAA I unveil my surprise.

Dan: "Why didn't you wait for me to help you?"
Me: "Because I felt spontaneous and needed to get one right then."
Dan: "I would've helped you."
Me: "I am able to do things by myself, you know! Gosh!!"
Dan: "Oh yeah?? Look at your fingers."

...cue my Destiny's Child remix's fade out...

ew.

2009-07-15T12:08:00.021-04:00

I feel like EVERY New Yorker is saying this to me. For some reason people directly in front of me on the street--and I mean literally 7 inches in front of me light up a cigarette and take a BIG PUFF which leaves me in a GIGANTIC cloud of nasty smoke to walk through. This especially makes me nauseous in the mornings and makes me sad because my clean hair picks up every smell.

(seriously.. my hair immediately smells like burnt pretzels, hot dogs, and hazelnuts when I walk by these stupid street carts) ----->

Back to smoking... last night on my walk home some foreign language-speaking-biotch burned my leg with her cigarette! I walked away with a stingy, grey line on my thigh and her acting like nothing happened but with a guilty look on her face.

ew. I hate you.

...and you know what you did.

ps. this cig & qtip combo is my current nightmare

driving-thru and parking in PA

2009-07-13T21:00:00.003-04:00

My BF and I flew to Pittsburgh, rented a car and drove to a wedding in Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania on Friday. It was pure adventure as we navigated and got lost on the MANY highways of Pittsburgh. (I learned that luckily Dan didn't get too mad at me when I got us lost. Phew!) I have to say, I made a pretty good co-pilot as I routed and re-routed our journey with the help of Mapquest and Google Maps on our Blackberries while I maintained constant good tunes. I also helped Dan make safe left turns and nagged him whenever he looked at his cell phone. "Haven't you seen the movie Seven Pounds?!?!!?!! You have precious cargo in this car!"

Anyway, our plan was to find a Starbucks for a caffeine fix before the wedding until we realized the town we were in. Churches and antique shops were sprinkled on every corner and the closest thing to Starbucks was McDonald's. With a McCafé latte in hand, Dan ever so chivalrously opened my car door for me. This is when I noticed a woman whiz by on an electric wheelchair. Of course this caught my interest and then I realized what she was doing. Wheelchair woman was headed to the drive-thru! As Dan closed my door, in giggles I pointed her out. He must have been just as captivated by her as I was because he mindlessly sat himself down into the backseat rather than the driver's seat because he was staring at her so intently. I had uncontrollable giggles at this point, Dan got into the driver seat and we followed her...

In addition to the wheel chair drive-thru hilarity, we had a great time at the wedding and got to spend quality brunch and park T-I-M-E with besties Colleen and Jake!

Nature shot in my Forever 21 lovely miracle dress

Dan in action getting the kite to fly

We had a great trip driving-thru and parking in Pennsylvania!

how do they do that in NYC?

2009-07-09T11:29:00.004-04:00

There are lots of questions that come up when I talk to people back home in Seattle about life in New York. Such as: "how do you grocery shop?" "How do you do your laundry?" "How do you manage six flights of stairs a day?"

City life is different and always interesting/difficult. Here is something you may not think about but I found interesting today on my way to work.

The city has several flower pots on street corners. I've always wondered who plants them, waters them, takes care of them. I've never seen any gardeners. But, I learned something new--how they are watered! This big green truck drives by and sprays water into the pots!! I found this highly fascinating and it also made me curious why no homeless people were trying to nab a free shower.

Miracle on 34th Street

2009-07-08T16:12:00.010-04:00

I went to Forever 21 on 34th Street on my lunch break in a desperate search of a cute dress to wear to a wedding. I filled my arms with a few potentials although I was pretty sure everything would be too short and hoochie rather than wedding appropriate.

Then I laid eyes on a mannequin that I hoped would be future me. I had to have it. I did a once, then twice over sweep through the nearby area and didn't see it hanging anywhere. I went back and impatiently stood next to cutie future-me mannequin waiting for a Forever 21 salesperson to walk by. Two girls came my direction pushing a long rack of clothes. I smiled and asked "where can I find that dress?" and pointed to lovely mannequin.

"It should be around here, in this area. If it's not, then it's sold out."

"Can I buy the one off the mannequin?"

"No, I'm sorry." ...damn it. Of course I can't have it.

Just then another employee walked by and thankfully overheard what I was asking for. The two workers conversed in Spanish and the one word I picked out amongst the pointing was Azul. I wanted to chime in so bad because clearly they didn't understand how much I needed this dress. "Si! Azul!! DONDE?!?!?!" is what I shouted in my head. Second Spanish speaker chick lead me to a rack of clothes. She put her arm way into the rack and pulled out my cutie dress! HOORAY!!! I got the last one and I am just now coming down off my shopaholic high!! I feel so silly, but I really feel like the luckiest girl right now!! It was a summer miracle on 34th Street!

finally feels like summer in nyc

2009-07-05T23:18:00.003-04:00

4th of JULY
American boy flag

circus

L O V E !

my ugly naked guy

2009-07-03T13:14:00.012-04:00

A few people have told me I'm like Rachel Green from Friends. Mostly because I have been on 5 interviews at Ralph Lauren... fingers still crossed about it. Also, my boyfriend sincerely wishes he was a volunteer at the Natural History Museum. He was talking about dinosaurs for over 10 minutes last night and how cool the bones are--so Ross Gellar. I'm fine with him being like Ross, as long as he doesn't marry a lesbian.

But, to further prove my Rachelisms, I discovered my own Ugly Naked Guy! Ugly Naked Guy lived across from Monica and Rachel and they talked about him from time to time. My favorite was when they poked him with a long stick made of Chandler's chopsticks to make sure he was alive. I also love when Ross went over there to try and bribe him into giving him the apartment and ended up hanging out with him in the nude too.Well, like I said I have recently discovered that I have an Ugly Naked Guy too! He lives across from me and probably down 3 floors. This sounds really pervy, but almost every night I take a quick peek out my window to see what he's doing and he's ALWAYS naked and with the lights on! I'm sorry if that's weird, but I can't help but be curious. He obviously doesn't care either since he doesn't have any curtains. I'm going to start collecting chopsticks just in case he croaks.

pink eyed Pattinson

2009-07-01T12:08:00.018-04:00

For some reason my cross streets Orchard and Broome are prime filming location for several shows and movies. Ps I Love You, Law & Order, How to Make it in America have all been filmed outside my doorsteps. The other day I noticed signs for Date Night to be filmed. I walked out my door headed to work yesterday morning and my street was lined with trailers, tents, peeps with walkie talkies, and food tables.I feel awkward walking through sets but secretly think to myself I will probably be discovered RIGHT NOW and they'll put me in a film! But of course that has yet to happen.

I had a rough day yesterday (was diagnosed with PINK eye! sick) and last night on my walk home from dinner with a friend, some guy with a headset on stopped me on the corner and wouldn't let me cross. "That truck is going to drive by and spray water everywhere. You better stand here" he says. Annoyed, I did as I was told. I don't even care who is out there and filming. I just want to get home, I thought.

I walked up my stairs and talked to Laina about how annoying it is to have filming outside. She agreed, "I know! I got off the train and they wouldn't even let me walk on Broome. They made me walk all the way around the block. I was SO annoyed" she said. We talked about how we do not care who films and its not a big deal to us. Obviously we've turned into cool New Yorkers who could care less about celeb sightings. Until...

I woke up today with a message from Laina telling me to call her. I called her and she told me that on her walk to the bus she was stopped again by security only because ROBERT PATTINSON was walking into his trailer! Ok, so much for being the cool New Yorker who could care less! I have been obsessively IMDBing both Date Night and Remember Me as they are filming simultaneously on my street for the next couple days. I am regretting not stalking the film set last night because Date Night's cast includes Leighton Meester, Steve Carell, Mila Kunis, Mark Wahlberg, James Franco, Tina Fey and Kristen Wiig just to name a few. I am such an idiot... I totally saw them filming and had to act all cool.

My inner fanatic 13 year old girl is freaking out. Since I am not at work today - PINK eye, remember? I took a stalk-walk around the block (with sunglasses on obviously) searching for my love Rob-alicious Pattinson... we will probably fall in love and everyone will know it because I'll put my mark on him by passing along a nice case of pink eye. It will be the bacterial version of Twilight. His eyes will change (literally) because he is so in love with me and can't get enough. hahaha
Try not to be too jealous, ladies.

and btw I am hardly obsessed compared to the girls on these postings.

my credit card's shopping spree

2009-06-29T17:47:00.009-04:00

I received a letter from my bank today stating there had been questionable activity with my credit card. I was just in Seattle so I assumed that was it. I decided I'd better call anyway to see what's going down. I logged on to my online banking before calling and didn't really see anything in particular that stood out... except that I bought a few things at Lovers Package in Seattle for my new sister-in-law's bachelorette party. Do they know me that well to know that an adult store is out of my typical spending patterns? That's awkward. I have to come clean to my bank and confess I entered a sex shop. haha I can just hear the bank customer service now.

"There is some fraudulent activity on your account. YOU don't go in sex shops."

"Oh yeah, Bank of America that was me. I was only buying plastic penises for a party. No need to worry. Can you please report to my parents though that sex shopping is out of my usual spending habits, I'm sure my squeaky clean spending history would make them feel good."

I call the 800 number and tell her I was in Seattle and everything is ok. She then lists a series of purchases that I did not make. Eight hundred-something dollars at P.C. Richard & Son, One hundred fifty-seven at a liquor store, several ten dollar purchases at a deli.

I am half creeped out wondering who and how someone did this, but it also makes me laugh thinking of those Citi identity theft commercials where people's voices and purchases don't match their bodies. I envision in my mental image me $157 drunk in PC Richards buying a new TV, Guitar Hero and an AC with a chicken cutlet sandwich and a meatball sub going home for a great night in with my friends. Here's the visual...She did mention the Lovers Package transaction in her list of suspicious charges. Hahah I guess penis balloons and candy garter shopping is just as ubsurd as $800 in electronics.

Judais-dumb

2009-06-19T11:09:00.013-04:00

One of the best things about my new job is the diversity. I work with old, young, tall, short, black, white, Asian, Indian, Jewish, Catholic, Christian, gay and straight people... you name it, we've got it. I really like this about the company I am with. I like being exposed to different people. I had mandatory diversity training in my old job and I'm sure I probably got at least an A- on some sort of college paper on the topic. I'd say I have a pretty open mind, but I am learning I am uneducated.

My boss is an Orthodox Jew. There are several Orthodox Jews in the office. This is not a problem for me... except it is. My raised-in-a-Christian-home self does not know how to say or spell Chaim, Moishe, Lichtenstein, or Leizhersohn. I receive calls and verbally butcher innocent victims' names as I try and get my mouth to reproduce sounds I know I can't repeat. Before this job "The Chosen" was probably the most exposure I ever had to a Jew. I have become so obsessed with my lack of awareness and being sensitive, that now I swear I see mirages of yamakas on every man's head I see. This is only the beginning of my problem. I don't think I ever paid attention or retained any studied facts about Judaism that I may have learned in school. Here's why:

One of my first days I said mister on the phone and my boss corrected me to address the man as RABBI. Rabbis often come visit and call him and don't speak English. This makes me nervous.

There is a kosher fridge in the kitchen next to me. I don't know what I can and can't do with it. All I know is that I shouldn't be putting any BLTs in there. I prefer to take the safe route and leave it alone and use the fridge down the hall.

This older man in the office likes to visit me and give me candy and of course I encourage this. One time when I was not at my desk he hid a mint behind my stapler. He called me to give me the hint to look behind my stapler and in my excitement I said without thinking, "Ohhh fun! It's like an Easter egg hunt on my desk!" I hung up my phone and realized I just mentioned Easter to a Jew. Shit.

The same candy guy shared a box of chocolates with me to celebrate the birth of his grandson. As I was savoring a delicious raspberry truffle, in my ignorance I asked, "awww! What's the baby's name?" There was a pause in the room and he told me Jewish babies are not named until 8 days after their birth when he will be circumcised. "Do you know what a circumcision is?" he asked me. No... can you please explain?... with a diagram? How mortifying.

Needless to say, I've been spending a lot of time on Wikipedia but it hasn't been paying off. Somehow no matter what I read, something dumb is still able to slip out of my mouth. I'm trying to educate myself, but it's humiliating to have to immediately minimize my internet browser when someone gets within reading distance and can read the tabs I have open: JUDAISM 101, Keeping Kosher, 2009 Jewish holiday calendar, Answers.com-Shabbos.

I guess I should have actually read "The Chosen" and not just the Cliffs Notes.

I love sequins but

2009-06-17T15:18:00.011-04:00

I remember why I actually HATE them. I tried on a sequin dress on my lunch break and the stupid things scratched up my whole face, arms and fingers on the way off! Torturous memories of ballet recitals came rushing back to me.

Is there some sort of sequin shield out there? The longer I look at my arms the more red lines appear! I can't even imagine the battle wounds from actually wearing a sequin dress out all night!

Here's what I imagine before and after being.

BEFORE

AFTER

I need to invent the sequin shield.

adventures in dreamland

2009-06-16T11:16:00.033-04:00

I've always been a firm believer in the meaning of dreams, or at least entertained by what my brain can come up with. I also like to look up their meanings and analyze. My main example of significant interpretation is that once when I was in college and deciding whether or not I wanted to break up with my boyfriend at the time, I had a dream I was covered in moths. I asked my go-to dream expert http://www.dreammoods.com/ and it told me that I was feeling unseen irritations and damage. The next day I broke up with him and then that night I dreamed of an amusement park. Of course this meant I needed to have more fun and enjoyment in my life. I took the interpretation to be a sort of confirmation of my choice.Whether it be a sign about making a big decision or just something random and funny, I find pure entertainment in waking up and going to dreammoods to see what's up. But now I'm starting to get a little freaked out. I'm having a hard time remembering what is real and what isn't. I sit at my desk at work and try to remember if there was actually a hairless mouse in my apartment or if it was just a dream mouse. I went to bed at 9:45 last night just so I could go back to my fun fantasy world. I am the lame real-life friend who is obsessed with mice and farm animal dreamland friends.

In the past week I've had dreams about my sister's ex boyfriend dressing up like a clown to surprise her. Another night I had a huge hole in my body that I could look into and see all my internal organs. I had a horse farm and couldn't keep them in their pens, I was trying to kill a hairless mouse with an Old Navy flip flop (which wasn't too successful since the foam is so flimsy). Last night's adventure was me getting my cavities filled but the dentist left me with bloody, falling out teeth so she could give my friend breast implants!

Here's what dreammoods tells me:
Clown: symbolizes absurdity, lightheartedness, and a childish side to your own character.
Mouse: indicates fear, meekness, insignificance and a lack of assertiveness.
Horses: signifies mystery, wildness and the unknown.
Inner Organs/Guts: a metaphor for courage and your gutsiness.
Cavities: You are lacking self confidence.

So basically in summary I am lighthearted and childish but full of fear and feelings of insignificance. Something about the unknown is mysterious (duh) and I need to have more guts. This isn't so good. Who knew that my dream characters would turn on me and be a blow to the ego and not prove my likeness to Snow White and Cinderella with BFF animal friends.

b as in booger

2009-06-11T13:42:00.002-04:00

You know when you are on the phone with someone trying to confirm the spelling of something because B sounds like D, T and P. To help someone decipher between these letters, we say things like "P as in Paul and D as in David."

When I worked in banking, for some reason I had trouble coming up with example words. With stock tickers, our trader wouldn't even say the letters, he'd simply shout into the phone "Larry Mother Apple Tom." But the types of words that pop into my head are "Lick Ass Monster Tits." Why do I turn into a perverted 12 year old boy? Are there words that I'm supposed to use for these situations that no one ever told me about? I have to stop and think about G-rated words to use.

I've always wondered what would happen if I actually did a pervy letter combo. "No, sir I said P as in pee pee, not B as in booger."

38 minutes never felt so long

2009-06-09T16:52:00.001-04:00

I have never been as much of a clock watcher as I am being this afternoon. It's probably because I had the worst sleep of my life last night!

First I was really hot. I tried the one leg out of the covers trick, then both. I am still burning up! Then a sneeze attack begins and have to go blow my nose in the bathroom. Then the light on my iPod speakers is too bright and bothering me. I have to turn it off. I toss and turn a few more times and just when I have maybe found a comfortable position, I hear a buzzing in my ear! I swat at the mosquito but still hear the buzzing coming back to pester me some more. Why do I feel like I am camping? I didn't know mosquitoes lived in NYC.

I pass out for a little bit but wake up to itching all over my body--above my eyebrow, on my shoulder, on my toe! The stupid little ear buzzer just helped himself to a buffet! I must ditch the mosquito.

I pass out on the couch only to be abruptly woken up by CRASHING BASHING thunder and super neon bright lightning! Then comes the pelting RAIN! Each drop's sound is magnified as it smacks my air conditioner. This keeps me up from 2am-4am.

My bug bites itch, I have bloodshot eyes with dark bags underneath. I am cranky.

getting to know my new coworkers

2009-06-03T22:20:00.012-04:00

I've never worried too much about meeting people and making friends. At any new job my tactic is to learn the job first, then venture out to make friends. If doing both at the same time is possible, even better. I've only been at my job for a week and am already making friends. I already have people bringing me candy. I have a bag of black licorice candies in my drawer and can't stop eating them! Today specifically was a great day for me to make friends with my new coworkers!

This afternoon the COO gave me a few labeling projects to do. He brought over 3 boxes of company logo pens and placed them on the ledge of my cube and left them for me to label. I made nice labels and stuck them to all sides of the boxes and then for some reason in an "I'm finished" kind of way I instinctively PUSHED the box a little too hard. The entire box fell off the ledge in a HUGE LOUD CRASH and pens spilled all over my cubiclemate's floor.

In an instant it felt like heads popped out of offices and every door frame like in cartoons when everyone's heads peek out at different levels. A couple of people came out to see what I had done and help. My face got so red as I frantically scooped up as many pens as I could and threw them into the box. Awkwardly I said things like "Pen Pinata!" and "Well this is a great way to meet everyone in the office!" and "That sure is a narrow ledge"

Then after regaining my composure after the pen incident I went to file a few things in my boss's office. The COO came by again. By the way, the COO is a grandpa-like guy. He is really serious but for some reason always winks at me--at least I think that's what his eyes do. He contorts his face in a way that resembles a wink sometimes but actually it looks a little painful. Anyway, he came in the office to chat with me while I was filing for a second. After he left I looked down at my shirt to brush off the little hole punch holes only to notice the MIDDLE BUTTON of my shirt was completely undone making my Victoria's Secret very public.

So now I am the new girl who dropped a million pens, exposed her bra and has a black licorice stained grey mouth. Great first impressions! I have a successful future ahead of me.

may recap

2009-05-31T23:22:00.004-04:00

May has been an interesting month. I have to be honest and say I am glad it's over in 40 minutes. Here's the scoop:

May 1-3: My life coach and BFF Colleen visitsMay 4: I get laid off
May 5: I turn 25
May 6-8: Search for jobs
May 8-11: I go to Seattle for a weekend trip; boyfriend gets his backpack stolen :-( I get to spend Mother's Day with my mom and grandma :-)May 11-18: Boyfriend goes to LA for work; I spend my lonely days searching for jobs and interviewing
May 21: I accept a job offer
May 21-25: Phoenix reunion trip with my my best friends in the entire worldMay 26-29: First week of new job
May 29-31: Spend entire weekend with boyfriend :-)Phewww I'm exhausted and ready for a new month. Happy June!

memoirs of behhnard.

2009-05-19T13:03:00.006-04:00

A few weeks into my old job, just when I thought I was getting the hang of my ridiculously tedious multi-step reporting spreadsheet, Frenchman Behhnard the portfolio manager came to point out something important.

"uhh Jamie, there izz somezzing wrong with thizzz," he said in his French accent.

Shit I must've messed up on the number of shares again, or forgot to change the date, I thought. I always seemed to make stupid mistakes.

"I don't like when thizzz izzz like thizzz. I don't undehhhstand why you would do it like thizzz and not like thizzz." He said as he pointed to the alignment of the lefthand-side staple.

"Oh, ok." I said, unsure of what just happened. Was he really giving me critiques on my staple alignment? He must not know that I am a college graduate. A slightly askew 90 degree angle staple is a problem?! That French asshole Behhhnard is lucky I even take the time to staple his effing sheets.

From that point on I literally had to focus my hands on stapling straight and if it wasn't a good staple I would switch his copy with someone else's. Ridiculous.

Last November I was chosen to go on a business trip with Behhnard to Boston for a financial trade show. I was the assistant who would do all the bitch-work for him. Great, this is going to be the weekend from hell. I arrived to the convention center and our booth had n-o-t-h-i-n-g. No carpet, no table, no chairs. What do I do? I thought about stealing one of the other booth's stuff. No. That's not right. I end up going over to the supply people and order $500 worth of booth supplies. The nice Boston accented workers helped me out a TON and I managed to set it all up. whhheewww.

The next morning was the first day of the convention. My cell phone rings as I am ironing my shirt.

"ughhh Jamie. I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news izzz that I am late coming iiiiin on the train. The good news izzz you get to be a biiiiiig girl and be in the booth my youhhself"

This is just fabulous. What do I know about selling mutual funds??! I stand in the booth from 8am until 1pm smiling and chatting with random passersby trying my best to AVOID talking about mutual funds.

He finally arrives and immediately heads off to get himself a plate of food. This man is unbelievable! I have been standing here for 5 hours and I am starving and my face hurts from fakey chit chat smiling!

"ughhh Jamie, you can go geeet some food iiiif you like" he says. Thanks for the permission, jerk.

The rest of the day goes by with him completely rearranging how I set up the booth, him making me stand in front and smile while he sits and reads his newspaper. He makes me staple his business cards to the flyers. I have shaky hands trying to make perfect 90 degree angles. Just alight the staple parallel to the top of the paper. You can do this Jamie.

At one point he had the brilliant idea that all Chinese people at the convention were wealthy investors and he literally made me CHASE a group of Asians across the convention center to give them a brochure. This is humiliating. THEN he has the idea that I am a good salesperson and says he wants me to hold his sign and walk up and down the aisle Vanna White style to advertise our booth. I refuse.

At the end of the night he disappeared for awhile and came back with purple stained teeth, smelling like a bottle of merlot. This is when he begins quizzing me on option trades.

"iiiiif your jacket costs $100, at what price do you sell the rights for someone to buy iiiiit at $90?"

huh?

He continued to try and give me examples of ways that I would understand the concept of a put and a call. I had been in this convention center booth for 12 hours and am being quizzed on OPTION TRADES by a drunken Frenchman. I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW. Lucky for me, the convention center lights were shut off in the middle of this conversation, but he continued the finance tutorial sesh all the way up the escalators, out the door, and the entire cab ride to the hotel.

The next day was a half day, but my cell phone rings at 6:45am with Behhnard telling me to go buy markers and tape because he wants to make a new sign for today. I fast forward my makeup and hair straightening routine so I can run to Staples. He is unhappy with my purchases and makes me go buy another kind of tape. This man is impossible. What I should have bought at Staples is an easy button.

The second it is announced that the day is over he packs up his wheelie suitcase and leaves me to pack up all the stuff and tear down the booth by myself. Why was I surprised? After that I passive aggressively made his staples a just a little bit crooked.

my bridesmaid nightmare

2009-05-16T12:40:00.016-04:00

I've been helping my mom search for mother of the groom ensembles that aren't too old lady looking and its really tough. I'm also searching for the perfect combination of bridesmaid shoes that a) won't use up all my unemployment money, b) won't dig into my feet leaving me with permanent strap mark scars, and c) will keep me under 6'2"

also a tough search.

During these searches I got a little side tracked and started looking at what Nordstrom has to offer for bridesmaid dresses. I clicked to sort by bestsellers and this was the 6th runner up!

OMGGGGGGG this MIGHT be the ugliest dress I have ever seen.

It honestly looks like something I would have tried to make when I used to beg my mom to teach me how to sew.

The huge bow looks like the seamstress messed up some stitching and used the bow to cover up the flaw. It also reminds me of the Friends episode when Phoebe gets hummus on her dress and covers it with a big Christmas bow.

My deepest sympathies to any bridesmaid who has to wear this.

PDC: Q-Tips

2009-05-13T15:24:00.005-04:00

Americans as a whole are considered clean people. Compared to our European counterparts we may seem a bit obsessive. We generally shower everyday, brush our teeth twice a day, clip our nails, and frequently wash our hands. We use waterless hand sanitizers, sanitizing wipes, anti-bacterial band-aids, anti-bacterial sprays, you name it we've got it. Grocery stores have sanitizing wipes for customers to wipe off their cart handles. I was shopping this weekend and Purell bottles seemed to be everywhere! Nordstrom had a bottle and the NineWest outlet had one on every shoe display counter. Whenever a Purell bottle looks me in the eye I feel dirty if I don't use a little pump or two. We hate dirt and bacteria and will do whatever it takes to combat it! But I'm realizing that this cleanliness has gone a little too far. Are all of these Public Displays of Cleanliness done to prove that we are hygienic? Are we so worried that people won't think we are clean that we must perform these PDC's? I mean I used the Purell so my fellow shoppers would know my hands were clean. Other people must feel this way too.

Most of the time in a big city it is hard to feel clean. I walk along littered streets all day where pollution and cigarette smoke are blown right in my face and freshly Herbal Essenced hair. It takes a little getting used to. There are the obvious things you'd expect to see on any city street: trash, cigarette butts, gum, dog poop. But then there are the unexpected things I've seen: clothing sensors, various animal parts (I saw an entire frozen pig once), Diaper Genie, squashed rats, vomit, avocado pits, playing cards (Jack Burger wasn't kidding in Sex & the City), shrimp shells, my list goes on and on.

For some reason what bothers me the most are Q-Tips. In a city sprinkled with cigarette butts, the presence of Q-Tips almost goes unnoticed, but not by me. Not only is it disgusting, but also confusing. Since when has it been acceptable to be walking down the street cleaning out your ears?! Do people I know actually do this? Please fess up now. This is PDC taken to a whole new level!

This has become a mystery to me and that's partly the problem. Never once have I seen someone walking across 14th street, digging a Q-Tip in their ear, yet the remnants are undeniably proving that it IS happening. If you're going to leave the Q-Tip behind for all to see, wouldn't you want to take extra long, reveling in your PDC making sure all of NYC knows your ears are wax free?

Proving that you are clean is one thing, but where have manners gone? At one point in time wasn't it considered rude to even apply makeup in public? Women had to excuse themselves to the powder room to powder their noses (is that why small bathrooms are called powder rooms?) Now it is not uncommon to see women applying full faces of makeup on public transit.; drawing on their eyebrows and lip liner on the C train. I've seen the worst of it too--boogers and "feminine napkins" in fitting rooms, nail clipping in church and cubicles. I even saw a woman standing on 57th street loudly clipping away her 10 fingernails in the middle of the day. But the worst has to be Q-Tips on the sidewalks! I don't even want to imagine what's coming next and I am still on the lookout to see some Q-Tipping in action.

The more I think about it though, the more my PDC theory makes sense. The makeup applying girl is proving that she has a clean face and isn't wearing last night's makeup leftovers. She's basically saying to her fellow subway riders, "I showered today, I swear." So seeing Q-Tips on the sidewalks should be assuring me that my fellow New York residents are cleaning out their earwax. But for some reason it grosses me out too much.

my ABC's

2009-05-11T22:21:00.003-04:00

A - Age: 25
B - Bed size: full
C - Chore you hate: cleaning the shower. Can I get away with only Swiffering my shower?
D - Dog's name: I wish I had a dog!
E - Essential start your day item: Coffee and a shower
F - Favorite color(s): PURPLE
G - Gold or Silver: gold
H - Height: 5'11"
I - Instruments you play: recorder :)
J - Job title: n/a
K - Kid(s): just some mice and roaches
L - Living arrangements: 6th floor 2 bedroom walk-up with Laina
M - Mom's name: Gail
N - Nicknames: Jamers, Mimi, Jamiekins
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: none
P - Pet Peeve: When people quote movies all the time
Q - Quote from a movie: please see above
R - Right or left handed: Right
S - Siblings: older sister Julie & younger brother Ryan
T - Time you wake up: Depends... for work was 6am, now 9ish
U - Underwear: Hanky Panky
V - Vegetable you dislike: rootabaga
W - Workout style: living in a 6th floor walk-up
X - X-rays you've had: teeth and neck
Y - Yesterday's best moment: Spending mother's day with my mom (and winning $17 in the casino)
Z - Zoo favorite: Otters

601,000 new friends

2009-05-07T13:18:00.007-04:00

601,000 jobless claims for May week 2. I feel like I just somehow made 601,000 new friends. I wonder if they're out there doing the same things as me. I think unemployment brings out an entirely different side in myself--a side I'm pretty sure I don't like much. I've been doing weird things and acting out in tantrums and cry fests. I wonder if my 601,000 new friends are too. Here's a summary of what I've done with myself since Monday. If you're one of my new friends, let's compare.

Monday

Walked out of ex-employer and into the rain.
Cried a little bit on the phone with (my super awesome) boyfriend
Ran an errand for him
Went home and put on sweats and fixed up resume
Met formerly unemployed friend Chris for pep-talk, tea and a sandwich
Worked on resume some more
Met boyfriend after he finished work. Broke down crying the second he hugged me
Went to Whole Foods where I had a temper tantrum like a 3 year old ("Nothing looks good! Everything looks so gross. I don't want to eat anything!")
Picked up Thai food and was "tricked" into sharing it with clever boyfriend
Watched The Hills

Tuesday (my 25th birthday)

Friend Kilali came over
Ate chocolate macaroon, pear tart and strawberry cake with a bottle of champagne for breakfast
Watched Who Wants to be a Millionaire and learned my future daytime television lineup
Went out to eat 2nd breakfast of the world's best pancakes!!
Saw Wolverine but slept the entire time. (expensive nap for someone who is jobless)
Got a phone call for an interview. Scheduled interview for Wednesday
Received FedEx box filled with the remnants of my cubicle (yay Marc Jacobs pen!)
Went to dinner with boyfriend (who arrived with flowers)
Began horribly crazy sobfest

Wednesday

Interview at 10am. Not my best.
Called mom and had break down... again.
Played on the computer and cleaned apartment wearing only bra and tights
Called unemployment office (was on hold for 15 minutes due to high volume of callers--my new friends)
Called ex-employer HR
Booked ticket to go to Seattle for the weekend
Went to ex-employer to return company laptop
Ate entire box of Kraft macaroni and cheese
Watched Gossip Girl, America's Next Top Model and The Hills... again.

Thursday

Made huge bowl of oatmeal
Dropped off laundry
Received NY Department of Labor unemployment information packet. I wonder how many of those my mail lady has delivered..
Going to tackle messy room and gross bathroom

happy birthday, you're now unemployed.

2009-05-04T18:54:00.007-04:00

I got to work extra early this morning to start the week off on the right foot. I had a feeling work was going to be bad today. I get there and immediately dive into my Excel sheets. I was so busy focusing on my work that I failed to notice the extra odd work environment. No one in my firm is particularly friendly anyway but no one is talking today at all. oh well. must. get. reports. done. by. 8:30.

I successfully finish my crazy Excel report by 8:34 and feel proud of myself for getting the 9 step report done so quickly and efficiently. I distribute and as a reward I make myself a cup of coffee. I fill in at the reception desk to cover a quick bathroom break and out of the conference room exits one of the other younger girls in the firm. I've never actually talked to her but she always seems nice.

"If you need anything, please call." says the voice of the HR director Joe.

She exits with her bags on her shoulders and doesn't look back. Weird. 8:40 am. She quit?

I head back to my cubicle with a pit in my stomach. My cubiclemate's phone rings.

"Hi Joe. Yeah, I'll be right there.." He leaves the cube. The HR assistant comes to collect his jacket.

My intuition screams We're getting laid off and I'm next!!!! I quickly and frantically delete as many stupid personal emails as I can in 3 minutes. Shit, I have 7 pairs of flats under my desk, a yellow bathmat, my desk drawers are full of sweaters, a hooker-looking skirt, a Danielle Steel book and a Blowpop. I throw it all into a bag and my phone rings with the conference room on the caller ID. I'm a gonner!

I enter the conference room to see the HR directors at the table with a maroon folder in front of them. Both of them looking at me with bloodshot glassy eyes. My shaky hands can barely close the door.

"I don't know if you realize what's happening today, but we are having to downsize the firm and your position is being terminated..."

That's all I was able to comprehend from this talk. Somehow his words were not words anymore, my hands were leaving wet marks on the table, my voice turned semi-manly and hoarse and they wouldn't even let me go back to my desk to pack my own stuff. Before I knew it the HR directors were forcing me to exchange my corporate credit card and key cards for the yellow bathmat and the maroon folder.

I exit the building into the rain not quite sure what emotion to feel. I hated the job but now this is a mess. Unemployment?! ME??? really?? Don't they know tomorrow is my birthday? RUDE!

And to make matters worse I forgot to grab my favorite lipgloss and my Marc Jacobs pen.

Happy Birthday and Happy Unemployment to me!

when pigs fly

2009-04-29T19:42:00.022-04:00

I sit at my computer with chappy, extra dry, ashy hands from obsessive washing. I choked on my own spit today and forced myself to hold in the instinctual coughs out of fear of being quarantined. I don't want anyone to think I'm sick and I really don't want anyone to know I traveled to MEXICO in the past month! Beware of the swine flu!

I understand this is a very important current event but I can't help rolling my eyes and saying "yeah, yeah... the pigs are sick. What's next?" I don't mean to make light of the situation because I know hundreds of human lives are at risk, but these things are constantly happening and consequently turning people into germ-a-phobes too scared to normally go about their lives.

The first thing I ever remember making my childhood world a scary place was E. coli. In 1993 Jack-in-the-Box was making people sick. Then Odwalla juice got the blame in 1996. This ruled out Mango Tango, Superfood and Sourdough Jacks for me for awhile.

Last summer it was Salmonella tomatoes, now it is Salmonella peanuts and Salmonella sprouts. I try be aware of this kind of stuff but not let it scare me too much. I still take an occasional candy break and munch on peanut butter M&Ms only to have it rudely interrupted by someone in my office creating a big fuss because I choose to eat dangerous peanut products! Give me a break.

Then there are the animals. We have bird flu, swine flu, mad cows, hoof and mouth, cat scratch fever, Lyme disease, Monkeypox! Zoo goers will soon be on suicide watch.

I'm not going to lie, this stuff does scare me and I am not being purposely ignorant. I take the necessary precautions that they tell me to do: I wash my hands frequently, don't touch my face or eyes, etc. That's all we can do, right?! There's no use in getting worked up about it. In the meantime, I think I will have a Jack in the Box burger with a side of tomatoes and sprouts, followed by a piece of peanut butter pie. I'm a real dare devil living on the edge. I'm pretty confident that the day I come down with something will be the day pigs will fly. Oh wait, the swine already flu. Shit.

glad it was a missed connection

2009-04-25T11:49:00.008-04:00

To bring anyone who needs it up to speed, Craigslist has a thing called missed connections in the personals section. This is for anyone to post a little note to the stranger who sparked their interest but didn't have the balls or time to ask for a phone number and now they're hoping to reconnect.

I rarely browse these, but I find them highly entertaining. My favorite one I found today is titled dunkin donuts on halsted 4/23 at about 720 - m4w - 18 and it goes a little something like this:

"hey i no u may never see this but iam giving it a shot i was out side of the donut shop and u was going 2 walk in and it was closed and then u went in dunkin donuts and i hled the door open for you wen u was leaving i think ur cute and u have a nice voice hun so if u happen 2 see this email me back with what kida car u was driving so that i kno its you"

ok... wow. Dear Dunkin' Donuts missed connection boy,
I have so many things to say about this I don't even know where to begin. As I visualize your story you're trying to convey I am not exactly sure what happened. The donut shop was closed so she went into Dunkin' Donuts and you "hled" the door open. There is a DD right next door to another donut shop? I suppose that is the least of my problems with this.

More importantly, how do you write this entire thing in one sentence?! Do you really think any girl with a nice voice is going to be interested in someone who says "no" instead of "know"? You almost got it right when you said "kno" at the end. But seriously, how do you completely neglect punctuation in your posting? And thanks for adding the picture of yourself. That really helps all girls no the kind of guys who can't spell and can't punctuate their sentences. I am glad this was a missed connection, kno offense.

you learn something new everyday

2009-04-21T18:14:00.009-04:00

One of the fancy newer F trains took me home from work today. This is the kind of train that has shiny blue plastic seats, designated wheelchair space, the stops are shown on digital screens, it has a clock and clearly announces each stop and the upcoming stop.

As I sit in my seat trying my best not to stare at my fellow riders too much, I find myself zoning out staring at a small screen displaying random information--what to do if you get sick on the train, what to do if you get sick on the platform, if you see something suspicious say something, etc. Then I catch a glimpse of the MTA rules of conduct which read "Damage subway property - that includes graffiti or scratchitti" Scratchitti?? I had never heard of this before and never knew there was an actual word for when people scratch their names and stuff into the seats and windows. I learned something new! Thanks MTA!

This is a visual for visual learners.

I've lost my magic sight

2009-04-13T20:52:00.014-04:00

While perusing Facebook I found this in the archives. Initial reaction was laughter at my awkward 7th grade brother. Memories flashed back of the Sun-In bottle that lived in our bathroom cabinet from 1997-2000. Apparently he had put it to good use back in his junior high days.

My second reaction is "OMG that's a magic eye poster!" And this is when I begin blurring my eyes trying to see what it is behind him. No luck. I used to be really good at seeing these things when I was a kid. So I did a Google image search for Magic Eyes and I think I lost my magic vision skills! I can't see them anymore. I have been sitting here at my computer for at least 40 minutes Google searching different pictures of magic eyes to remaster my skill. Maybe I only imagined I could see them before..? I can almost get it and then everything looks like pretzels for a second then I lose my focus.

I remember when I was little and I would play with the paint program on the computer and would use the spraypaint feature to try and make my own magic eye poster but they would never become 3D either.

45 minutes being cross eyed at the computer screen can not be good for me. Am I the only one who has lost the talent??

job requirements: emergency first aid...?

2009-04-10T13:40:00.001-04:00

As you read this post, let me first tell you that I work for an investment bank.I mostly work alongside middle aged men; my co-workers are husbands and fathers. For 99% of the workday we sit on our asses at desks where extremely minimal manual labor is required of us. However, it's starting to feel like there are more accidents in my office than I recall from being a nanny and Sunday school teacher. I'm contemplating the potential benefits of keeping bandaids, Bactine, and baby wipes in my desk drawers.

Riptide Rob - late 30s-early 40s, father of one.
One Monday morning in the summer Rob came over to tell my cubicle mates and I how lucky and grateful he was to be alive. He had spent the weekend with his family in the Hamptons and was swimming when he was pulled out really far by a riptide and almost drowned. The lifeguard had to swim out and bring him back to safety on the shore. No one will ever let him live this down and therefore he obtained the office nickname Riptide Rob.

Well, back in February I was walking past the kitchen on my way to the bathroom. I curiously glanced into the kitchen in passing and noticed Rob in the doorway. He was bent over and it looked like he was either spitting or vomiting directly onto the kitchen floor. In a panic I shouted "Are you ok?!" and wondered to myself in a judging kind of way why he didn't puke in the trashcan. He shook his head no that he was not ok and I ran to get some help. Rob ran out of the kitchen and into the mailroom and slammed his stomach on the handle of a handtruck to dislodge whatever was stuck. One of the other guys quickly began the Heimlich and Rob started couching and throwing up whatever he was choking on. Turns out he had choked on a cold cut slice of turkey. Basically I did nothing to help except judge him for choking and not vomiting in the trash can. This was a conversation I had right after:

me: Ahhh someone was choking in my office!

I was the first person to see him and I didn't know what to do

Colleen: omg

did someone give the Heimlich??!! me: It was really gross he was like barfing too

It scared me!

Colleen: o

that would freak me out too! What was he choking on? And, was he doing the universal sign for choking?

me: He was choking on turkey!

Eww

Colleen: ew

gross

just plain turkey?

not a sandwich?

me: Yeah I think just a slice

Colleen: thats really weird

how could that restrict your airway?

lol

poor guy

me: I have no idea! It was weird

Bottlecap Bailey - 38 years old, father of two
Because of the recession, my company Christmas party consisted of beers, cheese plates and mingling on our trading floor. My cubicle mate made a big scene at the party and left abruptly because somehow he had swallowed the tab to a soda can. He rushed to the ER for x-rays and kept complaining about how horrible this was because he had a family and kids to take care of. Was he thinking he was going to start profusely internal bleeding? This was how he was going to die?? RIP Bottlecap Bailey? He ended up surviving and the doctor said that he either passed the soda can tab or never swallowed it in the first place. He kept his doctor's number close at hand all week in case any sharp stomach pains were to arise.

Bottlecap Bailey also is prone to falling asleep at his desk, often chokes on his food from eating too much too quickly or using too much hot sauce. Again, I usually do nothing to actually help him, except I helped come up with the name Bottlecap Bailey.

Mr. N - 66 years old, father of three.
The CEO of the company. He is well-respected in the industry and for the most part keeps to himself. He doesn't talk much and very rarely flashes a smile. I can probably count single-handedly the number of times he has specifically addressed me by name. (Side note--my firm has the 3rd and 4th floors of our building and has connecting stairs in between the two floors right by the reception desk) Mr. N was coming down the stairs on Tuesday while I was working at the reception desk. I was answering the phones and receiving a delivery when I heard the loud tumbling noise of someone falling down the stairs. On the landing I see a disheveled Mr. N slowly picking himself up. I have NO idea what to do!!! All I manage to do is shyly ask "Are you ok?" The delivery boy hurried over to offer him a helping hand, but Mr. N dismissed it and mumbled with a crooked smile something about having new soles on his shoes. Making noises indicating he was in some pain, he hobbled down the hall back to his office. This is the IM conversation I had right after:

me: Oh shit! Mr. N just fell down some stairs right in front of me!

I am so awkward in situations like this

Colleen: o

please tell me you were kind and pleasant!

me: I asked if he was ok

Oh man

Colleen: was he ok?

me: Yeah he said he was Colleen: good

This is when I realized I have a problem reacting in emergency situations. I don't know what to do with myself. It is evident in my IM conversations that I don't really take them seriously. Part of me is holding back laughter and another part of me wonders to what degree an accident should be considered serious? I also have a problem because it feels weird to be the youngest person in a professional environment and constantly be in the position of witnessing my superiors choke and fall. I don't recall first aid certification as one of the requirements for my current position, but at the rate things are going, it might be a good idea to brush up on my Heimlich, CPR and emergency situation strategy! Or maybe I could just supply helmets, slings, kneepads, diapers, and neckbraces.

My (most fun and I want to do it again) Vacation

2009-04-07T21:04:00.001-04:00

I've been struggling with creativity and inspiration lately. Mostly because I am depressed to return to my normal life after a 7 day vacation of a lifetime with my dear fam. Here is a mini photo diary of the highlights.

My seeester challenge: refill ice cream cones every time we pass the ice cream machine. We quickly upgraded into getting a bowl, crunching up cookies and filling the bowl at the ice cream machine.The crew (from right to left): me, seeester, brother in law, future sisssy in law and bro.

Randy getting felt up by the shot girl.

Me getting felt up by the shot girl. "Free massage!"

Porn star Echo Valley! "I'm sooooo drunk!" After a little Wikipedia search I learned that this was my introduction to the bra size 65NN

Please someone take me back to this moment. Around this point in time I was floating in the ocean thinking about how lucky I was NOT to be working on Excel spreadsheets.
My tan is quickly fading, my shins and feet are peeling, my sandflea bites still itch, and I REALLY miss my family!

New York EasyDates

2009-03-20T09:10:00.021-04:00

I get to work this morning and immediately delete my 3 emails from New York EasyDates instructing me to select my matches from speed dating last night. Yep, I went speed dating. Walking into the bar where the event was held I was completely nervous. The nervousness only intensified when I began taking inventory of my arriving future daters. I don't want to date these guys! My friends and I took a shot and got some beers, walked upstairs to the hostess and retrieved our name tags. Surveying the other names among my Jamie D tag were names like Tara, Kerry, Gaby on the girls' side and Ilya, Rishikesh, Amjad on the guys' side. Crap, I can't even pronounce these names.

Each girl had either a table, a portion of the bar, or a section of a bench and the guys rotated around the room every three minutes. Now, I realize that three minutes is NOT a lot of time to talk to someone, but there were definitely times where my three minute dates felt like three torturous hours. In a few instances I wanted to scream out "NEXT!" or ditch my date to get another drink. I sat on my bench and partook in some of the worst conversations I've ever had.

All the daters asked the same questions. "Where are you from? What do you do? What do you do for fun?" This got really old really fast as I was saying the same things over and over again "I'm from Seattle, Washington. I work for an investment bank. I like to explore New York and try new things." I was a broken record so I started to spice it up with "Have you ever had braces? What's your most embarrassing moment? What's your favorite kind of dog?" This made it a little more fun for me, but still it was tiring to have these conversations over and over again maintaining enthusiasm and spunk.

A few cases were particularly bad:

Michael: acne-faced redhead carrying a backpack. His favorite things to do are eat and sleep. He likes Mexican food and he was a math major, of course. This is the visual. He was so incredibly awkward and would kind of sit there avoiding eye contact giving me simple one word answers and uncomfortable head nods. I checked the 'no' box for sure.

Rishikesh: dark skinned Middle Eastern looking guy. I asked him where he was from and he said Kansas City. Hmm.. not really what I meant.

Amjad: Pakistani dude and we spent most of the three minutes working out the phonetics of his name. He gave me an 8 out of 10 on my pronunciation. 'No' fo sho!

Other highlights included one guy telling me the details of his appendicitis and how much he vomited and insisted to his 'ma' that it wasn't just gas pains. Sounds like he lives with Ma. Definitely a no.

Another guy told me about how he got really drunk, puked in his friend's car then stripped off his shirt and ran home screaming "superman!" Nope.

One guy sat down and said right off the bat "go ahead and check the no box now. I can tell you're tall. I'm only 5'9". Tall women like tall men." You can imagine how much fun the rest of the 2 minutes and 45 seconds were. Self proclaimed no.

Someone else told me he was from New Hampshire and I started laughing and said I always wanted to go there as a kid because I loved hamsters and I would remember the state name on my geography test by nicknaming it New Hamster. Seriously... who says stuff like this to strangers? Me apparently. He must've checked no for that.

At the end of the night my little yes or no ballot sheet looked like this all the way down.

envelope hope

2009-03-06T15:45:00.010-05:00

It’s Friday afternoon. Typically this is when I am hyper, giggly and bouncing off the walls due to the hour and a half separating me from weekendom! Today I sit silently in my cubicle with icicles for fingers searching for things to occupy my afternoon. My boss has been out sick since Wednesday and has not communicated more than 5 words with me. (note: he sent out an “I am sick” email on Wednesday, but neglected to include me on that and any other emails he sent to update “us”(—me excluded) on his whereabouts/health). This really pisses me off.

This is my boss who is anal retentive about email manners and technique. I surely will talk about this more on a later post. He has repeatedly reminded me to CC him on every single business related email I send. Being new to cubicle life, I often “forget” to include him, and sometimes don’t feel it’s necessary to flood his inbox with my novice questions. This makes him extremely frustrated. In fact, I am beginning to think this is his passive aggressive lash out, giving me a taste of my own medicine. This man has not said one thing to me about being sick. Word in the cube is he has pneumonia. Somehow my cubicle-mate knows all the details. Stupid suck up.

Because I am feeling an office version of middle child syndrome, I sent him this email:

I’m sorry to hear you’re sick with pneumonia. I hope you feel better soon!
Please don’t hesitate to let me know if there is anything you need me to take
care of here at the office.

Have a good and restful weekend.

That was really nice of me considering not one word has been said to me. Once I pushed the send button, I couldn’t help but obsessively keep checking for his bolded name to appear and the unopened yellow envelope to pop up! When will he reply? What will he say? Does he know I am feeling neglected? Why is this happening?? Almost 2 hours after I sent my I-slightly-care-about-you-and-am-reaching-out email, this appeared:

Can you please handle, thanks
Jim

This came with an attached form I needed to have signed an emailed. No acknowledgement of my kind thoughts and wishes. Rude. Talk about throwing email etiquette out the window.

Lisa Frank comeback in 2009?

2009-03-04T10:30:00.004-05:00

With all the groundbreaking news headlines these days--recession obsession, Obama, Octa-Mom, a plane in the Hudson and Salmonella peanuts you'd think I would take serious interest in our current events. I like to think I do a pretty decent job with keeping up, but for some reason it is always the most random things that stick with me and make a lasting impression.

For example, while browsing the internet at work yesterday, the most interesting thing I came across was from cuteoverload.com A PINK DOLPHIN??!??!?!?! I mean, are you kidding me? This world has OFFICIALLY gone nuts!This is a dream come true for every girl who grew up in the '90s! The world of Lisa Frank has become reality!

Värnamo ho!

2009-03-03T19:28:00.039-05:00

Once upon a Saturday afternoon, roommates Jamie and Laina ventured to the Brooklyn Ikea. They were on a couch hunt. They wandered through the maze of couches doing their comparison shopping Goldilocks-style: "this one is too hard, this one is too expensive, this one is juuuuust right!" The girls found a very plush, perfectly sized brownish-with-a-hint-of-purple couch for a very reasonable price. Jamie wrote down Värnamo and its location in the warehouse. The girls meandered through the course of Ikea and selected various other necessities--wineglasses, frames, a cantaloupe colored flower.

The girls finally made their way to aisle 18 bin 52 where the couch was located and come across nothing. Not one purpley-brown couch in sight. Feeling defeated and learning that the store will not receive another shipment until Tuesday, the girls hesitantly headed toward the cash registers. Instantly the other purchases seemed meaningless without having a couch in tow.

Laina chose a cash register line and Jamie followed. Suddenly the next thing Jamie saw was Laina jumping and grasping something in front of them.

"It's the couch! You took the last couch!!!" She exclaimed to the redhead in front of them.
"It was the last one? There were two when I saw it there." said the redhead as she draped her denim jacket over the couch, staking her claim.
"There weren't anymore..." Laina said sadly as she turned to face equally saddened Jamie.

"Bitch." Jamie whispered to Laina.
"Seriously, give us the couch" Laina and Jamie made some quiet banter back and forth.
"I'll buy you a Pinkberry if you give us the couch"
"Jame, we dilly dallied too long! We would have gotten one of them!"
"It's because we spent way too much time searching for that stupid lamp. UGH I am pissed!" Jamie said as she stomped her foot in the same bratty way she did as a kid.
"I think she's swiping her second credit card for it. The couch might be ours afterall!" Laina said as she gave the redhead a death stare.
"she looks like she's nervous, she's getting flushed. Just hand over the couch. Your credit card is declined!" Jamie said as she hoped for the credit card to decline.

After the redheaded couch taker left with the couch, Jamie was rung up at the register. "Those girls took the last couch and we wanted it and now we want to hurt them!" Laina told the Ikea cashier who laughed.

..."Did you see a sticker for this? Or remember how much it was?" Asked the Ikea cashier as she searched the cantaloupe hued faux flower.
"No, I have no idea." Jamie said annoyed.
"hmmm..."
"Damn it Laina! You chose a flower with no tag! This is the worst Ikea experience ever! Forget the flower." Jamie whined with another stomp of the foot.
"Well, why don't I ring everything up, put it all on hold and then you can run back and get another flower and then you can cut the line and come pay for it all." The cashier offered.
"Ok."

Jamie headed back through the warehouse where she instantly laid eyes on THE couch!! Something snapped inside of her and she tried to call Laina. No answer. She sprinted back through the maze of customers and yelled while flailing all limbs "LAINA THERE IS AN ABANDONED COooOOuuUCH OVER THEeEeRREeeEeEEeEE!!!"

"GO GET IT!" Laina and the cashier exclaimed in unison.

Without another word Jamie was filled with a surge of adrenaline and weaved back through the sea of customers to stake claim on the unclaimed sofa. After slyly scanning the area, Jamie slowly began pushing the couch in the direction of the registers, waiting for someone to protest her couch theft. Nothing happened. Jamie successfully pushed the couch all the way to the front of the line where the cashier's smile was just as big as Laina's and she was motioning to cut to the front of the line.

Being a smarty pants, Laina had to ask "aren't you glad now that I chose a flower with no tag?"
Jamie gave her a dirty look completed with an eye roll.

"Does this make it your best Ikea experience ever?" Asked the cashier.
"Yes! I am so excited right now!" Jamie grinned. Her bratty mood completely vanished.
"So no flower I take it?"
"Yeah no flower. Over it."

The two girls had never been happier. They got in line for home delivery, filled out the paperwork and were again united with the redhead from before.

"So what couch did you end up getting?" Asked Red.
"Same one as you." Laina stated proudly.
"ohh... I hope its not the one I saw with the big scratch on it" Said bitchy Red.

"yeah whatever, redheaded ho-bag. Why do you have to be such a bitch?" Jamie and Laina again had a whispering bashing session.
"How about you fix your ponytail?!"
"How about you don't wear two shades of kelly green that clash?!"
"and that scarf"

The couch was delivered the SAME DAY scratch free! Stupid redheaded biznatch. Hers better be scratched.

txt u l8r ;-)

2009-02-25T18:14:00.037-05:00

I cleared out my phone's history on Monday night. Today, two days later, the current state of my phone: 3 calls in my call log and 143 text messages! Text message wins! We live in the land of texting where our super-duper speedy thumbs formulate sentences and punctuation marks express emotions :-)

I remember my first experience with texting. It was 2001, I was a senior in high school and I had my first cell phone. I had the Nokia 3310 with a purple daisy printed face. My friend Angela and I tested out text messaging in speech class. This was the era when you could only successfully text someone if they had the same carrier as you. As Angela and I were both AT&T users, we quickly became text friends... until my mom got the phone bill and I was screwed. Whoops. I was doing household chores for weeks to make up for my texting rampages.

Somehow as phones have gotten smarter (cameras, full keyboards, touch screens, and internet) our language has only gotten dumber. For living in a world that is constantly searching for the better and faster, you'd think that we as people would also want to become both better and faster too. From what I have seen, we're only getting faster, NOT better and that is not necessarily a good thing. Texters alike are not taking time to s p e l l o u t simple words. The scary part is that the shorthand has become part of modern day spoken language too. I make a joke and then unashamedly follow up with a verbal "JK!" This is pretty ridiculous when I say such things around anyone over 35 years old. Talk about a generation gap that makes me look like a juvenile hooligan who doesn't know how to express full words.

But even now, I am faced with a minor generation gap. Sometimes upon receiving a text it takes me a minute to make sense of what the sender is trying to say. "OMG wuz GR8 2 C U 2nite." For some reason this only seems to be ok for tween girls to communicate this way. It seems like it takes longer to think of what numbers and misspellings to use rather than write it the right way. And that just defeats the purpose of this lingo altogether.

In fact because of my deep rooted text analysis, to me, it can make or break potential relationships. In searching through old chats, I found this conversation on the topic of boys and texting.

me: oh he texts me all the time

i'm starting to hate text messaging because that's all that boys have to do now

they never have to call

so impersonal

kerry: i know

sometimes when i'm texting i want to throw my phone away haha

The tough part about messaging is that it is addictive. It is easy. But it is not always appropriate in every situation. When I instant message with my boss at work, sometimes he will write LOL and I know he isn't laughing at all. So isn't that lying? I sit close enough to him that if he really were laughing out loud I would for sure hear him. Don't say you're laughing out loud if you're not.
But OMG, my call to text ratio is so unbalanced that when I actually see someone calling me it is a big deal! Gosh, the power of voice inflection really makes a difference that emoticons just can't compete with. I'm not going to lie though and I should admit that LOL, OMG and JK are very common inserts into my texts messages. I do still try and keep my texts in full words in an attempt to preserve the English language. I have been anti-shorthand for as long as I had been texting.

But don't stop texting me, friends! I am still a huge texting whore. All I have left to say is txt me l8r 2day plz, but it doesn't hurt to use f u l l w o r d s .

MANicure

2009-02-23T23:59:00.002-05:00

I love a good manicure and pedicure. I've talked about this before. I also love getting massages and getting my hair done. I love just about anything that will improve my outward state and is considered pampering. I hope others get the same happy, clean, relaxed feeling that I get after a fresh coat of polish or getting my split ends trimmed away.

Spas historically have been reserved for women to disappear and reemerge happier than ever with bouncy, vibrantly highlighted hair. All we know is that the beautifying processes supposedly scare away men: thick green mudmasks with cucumbered eyes, silver alien foils in the hair, and the parmesan-like shaving of the heel skin. However, now that we're living in 2009 in the land of equal rights, men are not scared they're joining in! It is not unlikely to see a male getting his heel callouses shaved like parmesan too. Men are welcomed into this world. At some nail places you'll see men's manicure or men's pedicure (rightfully at a higher price). Men's grooming is not only limited to a hot shave and a #2 buzz cut at the neighborhood barbershop anymore. There are full service men-only spas dedicated to the pampering of our modern day dude. Equal rights 2009! All men and women with calloused feet unite!

I have to say that I am all for men getting pedicures. Who wants to date a boy with some nasty foot fungus or thick yellowed baby toenails? That is some nasty shit. I am a big fan of the metro sexual male who knows how to groom himself properly. That way I will not have to be the girlfriend who is forced to pop his bacne and remind him that he should have 2 eyebrows, not just 1.

Anyway, I was at a nail place with my pampering-loving friend Juliann and in walks a man who peels off his socks and dips his feet into the sudsy jet-powered pedicure water. I whisper to Juliann to look at his nasty baby toenail and we both cringe at the thought of the poor girl having to cut that thick, brittle nail and having to put her face so close to those rank feet. Although, in the end of it all I think good for him. It's great that this man wants to have pretty feet too. Juliann and I went over to the nail dryers to finish up our experience and I turn around to see this!
Pedicure dude is now onto his manicure with his ASS CRACK HANGING OUT. Ok, it is great that men want to improve and maintain their appearances, but isn't there something wrong with having nicely filed nails, clipped cuticles and a very exposed plumber's crack? Is he trying to prove a point and show everyone his level of masculinity? Or maybe, I thought, he is just airing out the area because next on his list of treatments is a waxing! And from what I could see, that would probably have been a good idea.

things i've learned from my parents

2009-02-22T13:50:00.003-05:00

1. Going green is no new concept.
Ever since I can remember, my dad would absolutely insist that we turn off every light in unoccupied rooms and NEVER mess with the heat. He preached the put on a sweatshirt if you're cold speech rather than let anyone set a finger on the damn thermostat. When the thermostat was mysteriously changed to a higher setting it was never a good thing. Yikes! Now, sometimes these "good" habits have some ramifications: I turn off the lights as I exit the room, leaving some sweatshirted individual in the dark.

2. Always clean before you travel

From family camping trips to my first overseas excursion, I have learned from my mom that the mandatory precursor to a successful vacation is a clean house to come home to. Ever since I can remember, vacuuming is to suitcases, as emptying the trash is to travel-sized deodorants.

3. Uncleanliness can be FUN
Only a mother can love her daughter enough to not only tolerate, but encourage uncleanliness. Every time I go home for a visit I turn into a dirty scrub for a day or two. You may think I am talking about not applying eye makeup so I can satisfyingly rub my eyes. No. I am talking about hair that is so greasy it looks like I rubbed a tub of Crisco on my bangs. And what does my mom say? With a chuckle she simply says, "Isn't it fun to be ugly?" Yes it is.

4. I can only hope to be like them!
As I've gotten older I realize what fun they have with eachother. They're truly lifelong companions and always know how to make eachother laugh. They're great parents and a huge support system to their 3 kids. Thanks mom and dad for being so fun, great, silly, and awesome role models. I love you!

Apt #31 part II

2009-02-17T23:07:00.019-05:00

I know the anticipation has been killing all my faithful readers and I just got my internet turned back on, so here it is. Drum roll please!We're going on week two in our new apartment now. Yay! We've had some minor glitches, but so far so good. The move went well; we ordered a pizza, propped open the doors of #32 and #31 and made the many arm-load trips into the new place. And just in case there is any confusion, we LITERALLY moved next door. Please see the visual aid I have prepared for anyone who may not understand what I mean by next door.

I deep cleaned the fridge in the new place which had some black dog hairs stuck inside the fridge door. eww. They let their dog look around in the fridge? Laina scrubbed out the kitchen cabinets and we each cleaned our new rooms. While cleaning her room, she discovered massive amounts of dustbunnies residing in her radiator. This set her off into a focused cleaning mode in which she began poking and prodding into her radiator using chopsticks, our dustbuster and salad tongs to remove the dust clumps. I peeked in the room to find her playing her own solitary game of Operation on a quest to remove all dustbunnies before hitting the metal edges.

In the end, our super removed the radiator from her room entirely which gave her 5 more inches to her room and wasted her long and thoughtful dust extraction efforts. Just to be sure she was safe from a future "water attack," I assisted her in stuffing the exposed pipe with papertowels and wrapping Saran wrap around it several times. No floods here.

Laina went to Ikea over the weekend and thankfully bought some furniture. Coming from such a tiny apartment to a more normal sized one, it is pretty empty. No table, no couch, no TV stand. Laina bought a kitchen table and a TV stand this weekend among the other gadgets from Ikea that you just can't help but toss into your blue and yellow bag.

We carried the stuff up our 6 flights of stairs and then got to work putting the furniture together. This was no easy feat. I realized how bad my screwdrivers are, how bad Ikea's instruction manuals are, and how Ikea furniture has to be done on a buddy system. While Laina was working on putting together the TV stand, her instructions were only this:

A hand screwing in a screw and then twisting the table leg onto it. She began screwing in the screw with her bare hand like the picture shows. She said it was hurting so I tossed her an oven mit. I was busy with the kitchen table at the time, but turned to look at her and she is now screwing in the screw with her oven mitted hand cursing at Ikea for the horrible instructions and terrible hole placement causing our furniture to be flawed. Gotta love what girls use as tools to get things done around the house. Oven mits, chopsticks, salad tongs and saran wrap.

Slowly but surely it is coming together. We may be watching TV while sitting on folding chairs but it won't be like that forever. Hopefully. Our most difficult task is probably the kitchen. This is a picture of how it looked when we first moved in.

So much white I feel like there should be a blood pressure machine mounted to the wall. The drawers seem like they should be filled with syringes and cotton balls. My arm hurts in flu shot anticipation.

There is still a lot of white in my "after" pic, but we have added a few things and its beginning to look a bit better and less like a hospital.

Please see the beautiful exposed brick, my very chic and lovely cactus and the super cute red cushioned chairs. And yes, obviously I realize this is not the same view as above and that's because those clinical cabinets unfortunately still look like that. We're toying around with some ideas: contact paper, new handles, etc. We're open to suggestions.

I'm very enthusiastic about this move and excited about my new home. There will definitely be more to come once we get some more furniture and more stories of our silly girly household tool choices.

it's beginning to look a lot like

2009-02-12T10:10:00.003-05:00

Valentine's DayPlease see that next to the snow-heart is a snow-penis. BWWAAAHAHA Guess the city can't be too lovey dovey

Apt #31

2009-02-06T18:50:00.002-05:00

Laina and I live in the tiniest space that can probably legally be called an apartment. We have no living room, no dining room and no kitchen drawers. To watch The City and Grey's Anatomy, we both sit on my bed together. We live down a 19 foot hallway (the bowling lane) that leads to mini-me living in which we utilize everything IKEA makes for quirky apartments. I fantasize of a living room and a couch and a kitchen drawer to put my spoons in.

My fantasies are on the brink of real life. Since living in our building, Laina and I quickly discovered that with every vacant apartment, they don't lock the doors. Every time we've discovered a vacancy we shamelessly let ourselves in and snoop around, sizing up every other apartment ("ohh that one didn't have a dishwasher," "I didn't like the light fixtures," "wouldn't it be nice to live on the 2nd floor instead of the 6th?"). Well, one day we noticed the apartment next door to us was empty... apartment #31. We walked in to a large kitchen, exposed brick, a living room, an extra closeted two bedroom apartment. I. WANT. IT.

Laina called and emailed the guy we signed our lease with and he told her the price--out of our price range. Dang. I started some Craigslisting at work and found the apartment for $5 less than what we pay now! So now I begin emailing and calling. No response for 2 days. They have open houses on both days for the apartment we have clearly stated we want. Someone calls me back and says it shouldn't be a problem to transfer us over to a new lease. AWESOME. Dream move here we come. We will be propping open both doors, cranking some tunes and enjoying the easiest and best move anyone has ever had in no time.

After a few phone calls with the management, I am told a variety of different things. We need a $500 certified check, no we don't. We need to fill out the application again and provide bank statements, pay stubs, W2's, I-9's, letters of employment. No, all we need to do is fill out the application and provide 2 pay stubs--their computer system is down so come in on Monday to sign the lease.
Monday: their computer system is still down. Come tomorrow.
Tuesday: computer system is still down; email the documents (how can email be received if the system is down?) hmm....
Wednesday: Laina decides to lay down the law; she calls them to tell them this is unacceptable.
Thursday: We sign the lease
Friday: We're (supposed to be) moving in but can't get in touch with the super to get keys....

....to be continued....

Dear Steve Jobs,

2009-01-31T10:37:00.003-05:00

As co-founder and CEO of Apple, Inc. I would like to share a few words with you. First, I love what you do. I love the computers you make and I wish I had an iPhone. I swear by my iPod and always immediately put in my earphones when I have the opportunity. Whether it be walking around, running errands, traveling, or sitting in my cubicle, those white earphones and I are in sync and probably listening to 'NSYNC.

However, as a girl on the go, I have to say that what's really killing my cool I-listen-to-my-iPod-all-the-time-because-i'm-a-city-girl vibe is when I pull my iPod out of my pocket to then have to untwist and untangle the white wire mess. I spend so much of the time I could be jamming to Pussycat Dolls just trying to get the R and the L separated. Isn't there something that can be done? We're living in 2009 where wireless is the way to go. Bluetooths are abundant and even my hair dryer and iron have retractable "cord keeper" features. There must be a better way.

Why not quit messing with the shapes of iPods (square shaped, spheric, etc) and give them retractable headphones?

See, look at this guy to the right. All he wants to do is brush up on his Kanye. He pulled his iPod out of his pocket and now has to begin the untangling process. I feel his pain.

I hope you seriously consider what I'm saying here. I'm just trying to keep Apple as the best it can be. I'll be first in line for the cord keeper version, I promise.

Thanks for your time,

Jamie

body language schmody language

2009-01-25T13:46:00.002-05:00

The movie comes out in just a matter of days, the book has been something I've sworn by for years, but now that I really think about it, the entire concept of He's Just Not That Into You has been kind of a waste of my money! Silly self respecting girls like myself have made Greg Behrendt (the book's author) a very rich man for pointing out all the reasons boys don't treat girls right. I mean, haven't I repeatedly learned that for free in all my dating experiences? It doesn't seem right or fair that a MAN could make large amounts of money just by pointing out the things that boys do to make girls sad.

Maybe somehow it's women's faults. Women have become depicted as these horribly desperate people whose biological clocks are controlling their actions, making them creatures of desperation on a testosterone hunt (example: "I better snag a man before I get cellulite and crows feet.") It's a race against the clock that women are constantly fighting: freezing eggs, liposuction, Botox, etc. These things are used to preserve a woman's youth in the hopes that the men they worked so hard to get won't trade in for a newer model. It makes me sick!

Because of the evident desperation, men see women as a dime a dozen--easy to come by and easy to get. Chivalry is dead. We live in the era of one night stands and speed dating. Women's magazines are filled with articles titled "4 recipes that will seduce him," "What he really wants in bed," "Quiz: Are you in love or forcing it?" There are even full articles about decoding his body language! I am now supposed to read him through his body language to know if he's into me now? "uh oh! He's looking up and to the left! And now tapping his fingers! And now touching his ear and nose! It must be over." What happened to good old fashioned communication? Dating has become way too difficult for me.

In little ways I find myself buying into this though. More often than not, I find myself doing a quick left-hand-ring-finger-glance every time I see a cute looking boy. No ring? Great, I will try to get his attention. It's the maybe he's my future husband thought that creeps through my mind when a (cute and tall) boy gets on my train, opens a door for me (although this is extremely rare), or is standing in line in front of me at a coffee shop. I can't help it and I know I am not alone in this.

This has been a thought of mine for a while, and I have overheard a few conversations between women on the topic. Yesterday I heard two girls talking, "...And it was practically as if he was saying to me 'you're going to be single all your life and die alone. Bye.'" This has even happened to me. Feeling jaded, I am not the happiest and most fun flirter; I actually come off as a huge bitch sometimes. Flirting with a guy last weekend in a bar turned into me being actually kind of mean and him saying to me, "you know, you're never going to get a boyfriend if you act like that." Touché! hahaaha well what makes you think I want one, anyway?

So where does this leave me now, you may be wondering. Well, it leaves me wallowing in the fact that dating sucks. It leaves me still checking out the left hand ring fingers. It leaves me wondering if a cute and tall boy will open a door for me. I am a little more old fashioned than I ever thought I was. It leaves me having even more self respect in that I will never succumb to a one night stand out of desperation for male attention. I am weeding through the ones that are just not that into me and who I was never into in the first place. I will definitely NOT be memorizing the body language decoder! Most importantly, it leaves me deciding whether to see He's Just Not That Into You or My Bloody Valentine as I stuff my face with pistachio cupcakes on Valentine's Day this year.

Not that I encourage this, but... if you really want to know the body language bullshit, check it out: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/body-language/

shall we cab it?

2009-01-18T21:53:00.002-05:00

Only a few circumstances get me to raise up my arm and hail a cab. I am an avid walker, bus rider and subway taker. But the circumstances in which I 'cab it' include: temperatures < onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_CCeNL0oUBDQ/SXPefKBr0UI/AAAAAAAAAfI/kOe2xzU6VW8/s1600-h/nyc+taxis.jpg">Thursday morning 3am. West side bar to my apartment:

me: have you had any crazy people in your cab? Any celebrities?
cabbie: yeah, I don't pay much attention to them. I had the mayor once. Very cheap
me: that's not good. So, do you have to go to cab school to drive a cab?
cabbie: yes, it's really hard. You are trained for 15 days, then have to pass a test of 100 questions and if you miss more than 20 questions you fail
me: what kind of questions?
cabbie: what landmark is on 84th and 5th?
me: the Met
cabbie: yes. What is the cross street for 800 5th Avenue?
me: umm somewhere higher than Abercrombie... 58th? 59th? 60th street??
cabbie: close enough. What avenue in Manhattan is parallel to (insert random street name) in Brooklyn?
me: oh... I have no idea. That is tough

Saturday 6:30pm, West side to the East side with Laina, 13 degrees outside

cabbie: What do you think of Obama?
Laina: we're hopeful. It should be interesting
cabbie: Hopefully he is a smart man, I mean you don't get smart from just reading a text book, you have to know about a lot of stuff. Avocado trees. Where do avocados come from?
Laina: California
cabbie: where do grapes come from?
Laina: California
cabbie: See those things in the window there, those products are killing people. See those chips, those are feeding people, people are hungry. Obama will help feed the hungry people
me: sending a text to Laina "WTF avocado trees??"
cabbie: blah blah blahh bllahh people in China speak Chinese, People in Russia...
me: speak Russian
cabbie: you understand??
Laina: yeah.... mmmm hmmm
the cab driver continues talking non-stop and I am not following him at all anymore. I can not understand a word he is saying except "you understand?"
me: sending a text to Laina "I bet he talks like this even when his cab is empty. Someone get this man a bluetooth immediately!"

Sunday 12:50pm, leaving apartment late to go to brunch at 1pm on Upper West Side

cabbie: What are you doing today?
me: going to brunch with some friends
cabbie: Girls or boys? Or both? How many?
me: Just girls. 4 of us
cabbie: So you left the boys at home?
I begin tuning out this conversation
me: uhhh.... yeah
cabbie: did they cry? *makes crying noises*
me: umm no
cabbie: so what is your boyfriend doing today, then?
Due to my lack of participation in the conversation, the cab driver has reached his own conclusions about my life and it seems weird to stop to tell him I don't have a boyfriend, so I go with it
me: oh, he's just at home
cabbie: So you have a strong boyfriend, how old is he? Do you satisfy him? Does he satisfy you? Who tires who out more?
me: umm I don't know. he is 26
I am such a liar. I call my friends and no one answers, so I fake a phone call
me: oh hey Amy, yeah I should be there in 5 minutes. Ok great see you soon
cabbie: look at all the snow in the park
me: yeah, it looks really pretty
cabbie: it looks like Obama and his mom. The dark and the white. hahah Obama and his mom. Get it? The dark and the white?
me: yeah... I can get out on this corner