swimming lessons

We've been having daily dosages of afternoon thunderstorms. The weather is hot, muggy, thundery, lightning with sporadic rain showers. Only a true New York woman uses this forecast to her advantage. Free swimming lessons!




Lesson one: the pencil dive.

38 minutes never felt so long

I have never been as much of a clock watcher as I am being this afternoon. It's probably because I had the worst sleep of my life last night!

First I was really hot. I tried the one leg out of the covers trick, then both. I am still burning up! Then a sneeze attack begins and have to go blow my nose in the bathroom. Then the light on my iPod speakers is too bright and bothering me. I have to turn it off. I toss and turn a few more times and just when I have maybe found a comfortable position, I hear a buzzing in my ear! I swat at the mosquito but still hear the buzzing coming back to pester me some more. Why do I feel like I am camping? I didn't know mosquitoes lived in NYC.

I pass out for a little bit but wake up to itching all over my body--above my eyebrow, on my shoulder, on my toe! The stupid little ear buzzer just helped himself to a buffet! I must ditch the mosquito.

I pass out on the couch only to be abruptly woken up by CRASHING BASHING thunder and super neon bright lightning! Then comes the pelting RAIN! Each drop's sound is magnified as it smacks my air conditioner. This keeps me up from 2am-4am.

My bug bites itch, I have bloodshot eyes with dark bags underneath. I am cranky.

SAD

My trusty source Wikipedia says:

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), also known as winter depression or winter blues, is a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptoms in the winter ... They may sleep too much, have little energy, and crave sweets and starchy foods. They may also feel depressed. Though symptoms can be severe, they usually clear up.

Checklist: Normal mental health throughout the year? Not sure about that. Sleep too much? Yes. Little Energy? Yup. Sweets? Ummm I've been having a late night love affair and spooning a bag of Tootsie Pops for a week. Yep, I am pretty sure January brings out a little SAD in me. I can't quite figure out why I excitedly ring in each new year only to start hating it 3 days later. January is cold, we're expected to do things "better" in the new year--as in give up sweets and junk food and exercise more. But that's the last thing I want to do. I am still having Halloween and Christmas candy hangovers. Wikipedia says that us SADies will crave sweets and starchy foods. So why are we fighting our instincts?

Speaking of instincts, the animal kingdom knows what's up. You don't see Pooh and Yogi Bear suddenly passing up their junk food guilty pleasures for some stupid mixed greens and low-cal dressing on the side. Nope, in fact, they do the exact opposite and binge to store energy in fatty deposits to survive the winter. This is seriously what I want to do. Pig out on ice cream, cookies, cupcakes, pack it in and then crawl under the covers to sleep the rest of the winter away because bears know that this season is not even worth being conscious for. I'm with you, Teddy Ruxpin!

There is an underlying little pattern of my complaining about weather, I realize that and it's the SAD speaking, I tell you! But it is so dang hard to get out of bed when it's dark out, walk my Vtamin D deficient pale ass to work, wipe the snot icicles from my nose, sit in my cubicle until it gets dark, eat some vegetables, slip on the ice on my way home, get a memo that my building's HOT water will be shut off. Great. This is pathetic. Where's the nearest cave? I hate January. It's not even half over. I'll just be eating Tootsie Pops and peanut butter by the heaping spoonfuls counting down the days until February....

ps.

My cab driver tonight told me he was frustrated by how slow his night was going since "everyone is afraid to go out in bad weather."

fair-weather friend

Being a Seattle native, one might think I was bred with immunity to rain. Looking back to my memory images from childhood, umbrellas don't seem to be there. I remember putting my hood up and climbing on the condensation filled, perfect for tic-tac-toe fogged up windowed yellow school bus, heading to school ready to kick ass in heads up seven up during indoor recess.

However, these days I find myself becoming a rain wimp. As a New York City perma-pedestrian I always have an umbrella (sometimes two) in my purse because you must be prepared for all weather. As prepared as I might be, I have also become the lame, literal fair-weather friend who cancels plans because of precipitation. But I've come to realize that it's not just me and my reasoning holds some validity.

On the Saturday before Halloween there was a dog costume party scheduled at a nearby dog park and I had to see dogs in costumes, I mean who can pass that up? I checked the website and remembered it saying that if the weather was poor the party would be rescheduled for Sunday. I left my apartment in my hooded jacket and Uggs, raced to the dog park only to find one teensy chihuahua in a pink tutu looking slightly embarrassed with that OMG I thought this was a costume party and it's not look on her face. I came across a crumpled flyer taped to the fence saying something to the effect of "because of scary weather the dog party will be on Sunday." I looked up to see a haze of grey clouds. What's so scary about that? Was there a hurricane or tornado on the horizon? Why is it only me and overdressed chihuahua who are brave enough to be out on this doomed Saturday?

Or a year and a half ago after a date to the movies with the guy I was seeing, we came out of the theater to find torrential downpour. We ran and jumped over the puddles to the nearest bodega to buy an umbrella and with chivalry, he walked me to my train. However, he failed to give me the umbrella for my post 6 train walk home. Now, in in hindsight, I'm not so sure he ever meant to give it to me like he said he did. I got off the train at 86th and Lexington; paused in realization that I was both hoodless and umbrella-less and grudgingly walked to my apartment on 82nd and 1st. For a split second I envisioned myself as Britney Spears in her Stronger video but that daydream quickly vanished once I was aware of my mascara streaming down my cheeks and I was having trouble keeping my pants up. After only a few measly blocks I was so soaked I could have shampooed and conditioned my hair out on the corner of 84th and 3rd.

The other New Yorkers in my midst have the same mentality. When rain is forecast, everyone on the train has their umbrellas in hand ready to pop open at first raindrop. This scares me. My fellow pedestrians, I say to you: Rain is not going to kill YOU, but your umbrella is going to kill ME! More often than not, there is a man who is carrying one of the long cane type umbrellas and he is swinging his arms the normal back and forth way, therefore his umbrella and the pointy tip is swinging back and forth turning into some sort of pendulum torture weapon ready to stab an innocent victim: me. This is especially scary on stairs. I think it is very important that people do not do this. So much so that I once voluntarily put myself in harm's way and allowed a mild stab so that the umbrella carrier would realize the danger he was creating. I hope he learned his lesson. Even B. Spears, my baldy homegirl's weapon of choice is an umbrella ella ella ey ey! Yikes!

The reason I am so obsessed with rain and weather is because it was forecast to snow today and it has been, but it makes me nervous! I have been talking about it since Thursday and I warned my friends that if it snows too much I am going to stay in. I went to a movie and once the closing credits started, I had to fight the urge to run to look out the window to see how much snow accumulated.

My poor-weather bravery I once had as a child has diminished. I hate that I catch myself saying things like "oh, I'm not going to the party. It's supposed to rain." But really, can I be blamed? Who wants to knowingly be umbrella stabbed or have water logged pants that barely stay up or have an overdressed chihuahua?