sensory underload

In any big city, we have sensory overload. Thousands of sights to be seen, things to be heard, food to taste, things to feel, and smells to be smelled (although usually an unpleasant trash and pee combo). We have the gift of senses.. did we forget that?

A few weeks ago I heard on the news that NYPD vehicles have been outfitted with a device called the Rumbler. Ever since I heard this story I've been a little obsessed. This is a device that is used in tandem with the LOUD and forceful audible siren. The Rumbler emits vibrations that can be felt, so drivers with their stereos on and pedestrians with headphones on can be alerted to the approach of emergency vehicles. Are bright flashing RED and blue lights and ear splitting sirens not enough to catch our attention anymore? Soon we're going to have to be tasered.

iPods and car stereos aren't the only things to be blamed. Texting, Twittering, Facebooking while walking are all the things that are endangering us. We don't pay attention to what we're doing or where we're going. We've seen the headlines: "Texting Teen Falls Down Manhole," London introduced a "safe texting street" !!lined with padded lampposts!! Are we going to have to text-proof our world now? Ridiculous.

But, I too am guilty which is why I am writing this post. On Wednesday after work I had some time to kill before meeting a friend. I decided to walk around a little bit--look for my future husband... hey, you NEVER know!

Anyway.. I'm walking along and glance at my iPod to ensure Lady Gaga is on repeat when BAMMmM! One of my biggest fears takes place! Did I miss seductive eye contact with a handsome 6'4" stud? .no. .worse.

Carelessly in my Lady Gaga iPod dilemma, I failed to see

THIS

headed straight at me!

I had to JUMP over the cane to avoid tripping both of us! My lack of awareness and appreciation for my eye sight got me thinking about how much I take it for granted. It's sad to think about people who are living with the challenges of not having all working senses in comparison to those of us who would rather have iPods in our ears and BlackBerries in front of our faces.

I say, put the phone in the pocket, pull the headphones out of your ears and take a look and listen around. We're lucky we can see, hear, touch, taste, and smell our world.



even if it does sometimes smell like pee.

x y z

Today was one of those days where everything was off. First of all, I hate Tuesdays with a passion. They are always my worst days. I snoozed my alarm for too long, decided to download music instead of get ready, just missed the subway. I seemed to have fallen out of the "loop" that I need to be in at work. I couldn't do anything right. In an email fight with my boss (fight = normal emails by the way... I am clearly overly sensitive) I was forced to apologize for something really minor that wasn't even a problem rather than lack of clarity.. blaghhh I hate being forced to admit to my boss that I am an incapable idiot.

ANYWAY..

Today was one of those days where I didn't seem to understand anything around me. I missed meetings I didn't know I was supposed to be in, I was included in projects I didn't know my boss volunteered me to help out in. I accidentally said "fart" instead of "part" and I was put in charge of managing the remodeling of a new office!!!? I didn't know any of the correct technical and contractor terms I should've been using when speaking with the head of facilities and information systems. Again.. I sounded like a huge idiot. (think: "ohh so your department only hooks up the phone wires and not the ..umm .. power wires?)

When deciding what to do after work today, I figured it would be best to go straight home to avoid any more forced announcements of my idiocity. Plus all I really wanted to do anyway was watch Gossip Girl and eat the $6 worth of broccoli I bought this weekend (Whole Foods is hella expen$ive!) I sat on the subway home rethinking my day and getting frustrated with myself and how I need to try harder tomorrow and do a better job before my boss really starts regretting hiring me.

Frustration and annoyance with my lack of savviness in life started to take over until this entered my subway train and stood right in front of my face. This is when my staring problem and immaturity took over. My formerly frustrated furrowed brow was lifted as my inner 3rd grader was overjoyed and dying to yell

"XYZ! eXamine Your Zipper!!!"

He must have been having a lousy Tuesday too. It's nice to know that in a city where everyone seems so polished and put together, this guy wasn't. At least all of my clothes were properly on and fastened today.

I realize that my level of excitement over this is very pathetic. But its probably more pathetic that I ate $6 worth of broccoli!

mama, mary poppins & midnight burgs

My mom came to visit me for a NYC staycation a few weeks ago and we had SO MUCH FUN! She arrived on a Friday evening and came to "pick me up" from work. (I've had a track record of being a slightly cranky hostess with visiting family members, but I PROMISED to be nice this time...) I was SO niiiice I even let her take a pic of me in my desk at work.

Our staycation would not be complete without staying in a Midtown hotel and having a semi-itinerary planned. Most important items on the agenda were where (and how frequently) we could eat. Our hotel was close to Madison Square Park and the famous Shake Shack where I had never been. Such a shame as a New Yorker that I can't always participate in the constant burger debates without sampling what Shake Shack has to offer. In passing I pointed out the always-long, curvy line of burger customers winding through the park (at all hours of the day). We came up with our plan of attack--we would either go right before they close or for breakfast when they open. We were determined to get a burger and beat the line.

Saturday was filled with pancakes and a bit of shopping. We went to see the lovely Broadway production of Mary Poppins and loved it! 3/4 of the way through the second half I started thinking about Shake Shack and it evolved into an obsession. I. HAD. TO. HAVE. IT... TONIGHT. So... I pantomimed eating an invisible burger to my mom and our mother-daughter brain waves synchronized and it was confirmed without using any words that we would be eating burgers post-show. My mouth watered thinking about fries and cheesey burger.. ketchup and crispy lettuce.

I didn't realize that we were carelessly giving Mary Poppins and the Banks family a standing ovation while the burger clock was ticking away! Shake Shack closes at 11pm and we were still in the theater still at 10:40! we have to get out of here!!!

We hurried out the door but were in Times Square. This is no place to get a cab. A pedi-cab rang his puny bicycle bell and offered a ride--doesn't he realize he can't pedal our fat asses fast enough to get us a much needed 11pm night cap burger?!

I decided we'd be better off speedwalking out of Times Square to find a cab. We walked to 5th Ave and I jumped in a cab.

"23rd STREET MADISON SQUARE PARK AS FAST AS YOU CAN!"

10:56pm and we got to the Southwest corner of the park and ran through the blinking crosswalk hand. "We're never going to make it!" I shout to my mom as we're running. I stopped running feeling defeated and sad that we weren't getting burgers. Mom keeps running full speed ahead with no signs of slowing down!

"Stop running. This is pointless!!!!!!!!!!!"

She didn't listen to me! She kept running full speed ahead so I started running again too. We got to the window and were panicky until the employee stuck his head out and said "If you ladies want to order you need to do it now. We're closing." IT WAS A BURGER MIRACLE!

"TWO CHEESEBURGERS!" I yelled without looking at any menu. "two orders of fries and diet cokes?" I ordered in a questioning voice seeking my mom's approval all at once in disbelief we made it.

Once the order was successfully placed we started laughing hysterically out of relief that we were going to be satisfying our craving for burgers at this hour in the night. And laughing at how serious and stressful this quest for burgers had become.

Here are the victory pictures

classic post-burger-binge shame



mom and sister are coming for a visit verrrrry soon! Burgers anyone??!?!?!

where has my ugly naked guy gone?

As I mentioned awhile back, I have my own ugly naked guy who lives across my building. He is often partially or fully naked, has vibrant red bedding and stays up pretty late at night. It has become part of my nightly ritual to take a peek out my window to see what's going on with him.

Lately I have had a few close calls to thinking he had moved out of our building. Once the red sheets were replaced with new white sheets, another time there was a red mattress out on the sidewalk in front of our apartment building--did he move out?! I was always fearfully wondering. I was worried and had a gut feeling he was going to leave soon. Then one night I saw there was a girl in his room! This must be a new guy, because the ugly naked guy I know had never had a girl over! But somehow, the red sheets resurfaced and my faithful ugly naked guy still inhabited the room below me.

Sadly this all changed last night as I was going to bed. I did my nightly peek and found this shocking discovery!! Clean wood floors, no red bed, and no ugly naked guy.

I can't believe this.

best two out of three

"In New York they say you're always looking for a job, a boyfriend or an apartment. So let's say you have two out of three and they're fabulous. Why do we let the one thing we don't have affect how we feel about all the things we do have?"

-Carrie Bradshaw, Sex & The City

My good friend Kilali reminded me of this episode as we caught up over pasta, steak and a bottle of wine last week. I've been reflecting on my almost three years(!!) in New York and based on my track record, found this quote to be true.

When I first moved to NYC I had all three: job, boyfriend and apartment. The job and the apartment were far from amazing, but they did the trick. Then the boyfriend and I broke up shortly thereafter. I still had 2/3: job and apartment.

By the time I gained a new boyfriend my lease was up and I had to find a new apartment. I was literally homeless and bummed around on friends' couches and airbeds for a month. But I had 2/3: job and boyfriend.

There was a short period of time when I had all three again, but the relationship faded away. I was left with 2/3: job and apartment.

Said boyfriend and I were on-again-off-again for awhile, and during an "on" time I had to find yet another apartment. I had a stable 2/3: job and boyfriend during this time.

The apartment was found, I still had the same job, but the boyfriend and I broke up immediately after I signed the lease (I was literally assembling my new dresser in my empty apartment when we broke up). But I still had 2/3: job and NEW apartment.

It was me, job and apartment for awhile until I gained a boyfriend. It was a brief encounter having all three again, but it was only a few weeks until I was laid off from my job. But to get me through it, I had 2/3: boyfriend and apartment.

My job search was on for a few months and I landed a fantastic job and essentially again had all three for a bit. Then boyfriend and I broke up which leaves me in my current 2/3 state: NEW job and apartment.

Making sense of my jumbled timeline is confusing and my summary is probably not even fully accurate. To break it down, I've had 4 jobs, 2 boyfriends and 4 apartments all in under 3 years. Its confusing and hard to remember which apartment went with which job, etc. Basically I have found that I am always missing or wanting a new one of the three things when I should be happy and proud of what I have.
As for my fraction balancing now, I am not letting my job go anywhere... so I guess that means by the time I need a new apartment I'll have a new boyfriend, right? I suppose it only makes sense.

milk to go

I love "to go" things as much as the average person. I love that I have the option of picking up take out, grabbing a coffee on my way to work, or eating Go-Gurt. We live on the go!! This was made very clear to me when I saw this mom strolling down Fifth Avenue BREAST FEEDING her baby!!Some things are not meant to be portable just quite yet.

strapped for cash

So we're in a recession and funds are tight. I live in an apartment where the rent costs me literally 48.998% of my monthly salary. Depressing. Stressful. (And yes, I did play around with the calculator to get the closest percentage possible.)

This morning I decided to look online at potential part-time jobs. I could work in a boutique or babysit once or twice a week, right? I have no experience in the food/bar biz so that minimizes my options a lot. I've been doing some Craiglisting and here's what I found. What do you think?

Pretty Girls With Pretty Feet Wanted! ($600 - $800 Per week)

Famous foot fetish company in New York City that specializes in
Foot Fetish Sessions is seeking very attractive girls ages 18 - 29
to get paid $50 per hr to have their feet massaged and kissed
during foot fetish sessions! There is guaranteed work for each
model we hire at least 2 days per week.

As a bonus, the girls we hire for this will also get to work at our
world famous foot fetish parties in NYC! You will get to make
up to $500 per night going to an upscale party and having your feet
worshiped!

Its some of the easiest money you will ever make and there is
absolutely no sex, you don't have to be nude, and it is 100% legal
unlike other fetish jobs you may have seen on craigslist. Perfect for
actresses, models, and college students that need high paying
part time fun and easy work in this super expensive city.

To get this job you must be very attractive, have pretty feet,
be open minded about fetishes and fantasies, adventurous,
and enjoy parties and being fun and social. You also must
be punctual and responsible at the same time.

We are hiring asap so apply now if you feel you qualify and please
send ALL THREE of the following....
1. Your Name
2. Your Number
3. A Recent Photo

We will call you asap if interested and could possibly get you
some work as soon as this week! Good luck and talk to you soon!

This might be one of the weirdest things I have ever researched. PLEASE check out their website for foot fetish parties! There's actually one tomorrow night! I spent a lot of time just now reading all the pages, FAQ's and looking at the pics! wtf!?? I wonder if my feet are pretty enough to make it?

From what I read, you may be asked to do a "private session" where attendees can do whatever their twisted foot-lusting minds desire including Foot Worship, Trampling, Tickling, Foot Smelling, and Foot Domination. The only thing I'd want to partake in is Foot Domination and only if that means kicking someone in the face.

Make money fast! (Lower East Side)

Reps needed to canvas the 5 boroughs and locate wheel-chair accessible restrooms. Start immediately. Please contact us and let us know which borough you are interested in researching. Looking specifically for people in Queens, Brooklyn, Staten Island, and the Bronx. Reps will also be required to enter address and phone number of found locations into a spreadsheet. We need this done, thoroughly, accurately, and immediately. Compensation: $5 for every location you identify.

This one doesn't seem so bad?! It's like a hunt for wheelchair bathrooms! But at $5 per location identified you'd have to spend a lot of time running around NYC bathrooms to make it worth it. I wonder if you could just start calling businesses asking if they're wheelchair accessible?? hmm... this has potential.

Noho Boutique seeking experienced Sales Person (SoHo)

A Bleecker Street boutique in the works to becoming the leading men’s fashion destination is seeking an experienced, talented, communicative sales associate to be part of our team. The boutique is scheduled for its grand opening in September, until then we will get to know you by participating in our sample sale.

Qualifications:
-Strong Sales Experience!!! Only experienced need apply!
-You must have a history of positive sales in a boutique environment.
-Cash handling experience/Cashier Experience
-Friendly
-Must be able to pass a background check
-Must be flexible
-Must have an eye for fashion/Coordinating
-Must have a fresh personal style
-Great Customer Service
-Must manage time efficiently: work quickly and effectively
-You must be proactive in your approach
-You must be the type of person who exhibits high standards in all areas of the workplace, promoting team morale and motivation.
- You are expected to create a sales focused environment and to maximize sales whenever possible.

Job Details:
-Working Cash Register
-Working Sales
-Working Fitting room
-Putting Back Clothes
-Picking Phone orders
-Visual (Dressing Manikins) <--NOTE THE SPELLING!
-Merchandising
-Greeting/ Customer Service
-Working with High-End Clothing

This post really isn't hilarious or weird or interesting.. I just think its funny that they are so particular with their qualifications and don't even know how to spell mannequin! I guess it does say the only thing you must pass is a background check, not a spelling test.

So what do you think? Feet, Toilets, or Manikins?

swimming lessons

We've been having daily dosages of afternoon thunderstorms. The weather is hot, muggy, thundery, lightning with sporadic rain showers. Only a true New York woman uses this forecast to her advantage. Free swimming lessons!




Lesson one: the pencil dive.

help I need socks

Ricky's (think Rite Aid+Sex Shop+Spencer's+beauty supply shop+costume store) was promoting a new line of health remedies called Help. On my walk home from work today I saw the launch of the product, complete with a live display for the bandages Help I have a blister.

and THIS is how they advertise. Man in heels on treadmill brings you Help I have a Blister!

Although the more I think about it, its not really that funny because he probably dresses drag in his free time so heels are no biggie. AND is this Help product merely a package of socks?? Because wouldn't his socks prevent the blister from forming in the first place?

was gonna complain about my job, but...

I better be careful what I say!

Yikes!!! what happened to freedom of speech?!

I feel the need to complain a little bit anyway:

1. Yesterday someone literally emailed me an address and told me to print it on a label and stick it on an envelope. I can't believe I went to college for this. I have papercuts on my knuckles.
2. My fave bra broke this morning.
3. My skirt keeps spinning around backwards when I walk.
4. Monday night some kid ran by me and slapped my ass.
   

How is it only Wednesday?

ew.

I feel like EVERY New Yorker is saying this to me. For some reason people directly in front of me on the street--and I mean literally 7 inches in front of me light up a cigarette and take a BIG PUFF which leaves me in a GIGANTIC cloud of nasty smoke to walk through. This especially makes me nauseous in the mornings and makes me sad because my clean hair picks up every smell.



(seriously.. my hair immediately smells like burnt pretzels, hot dogs, and hazelnuts when I walk by these stupid street carts) ----->



Back to smoking... last night on my walk home some foreign language-speaking-biotch burned my leg with her cigarette! I walked away with a stingy, grey line on my thigh and her acting like nothing happened but with a guilty look on her face.

ew. I hate you.

...and you know what you did.








ps. this cig & qtip combo is my current nightmare

how do they do that in NYC?

There are lots of questions that come up when I talk to people back home in Seattle about life in New York. Such as: "how do you grocery shop?" "How do you do your laundry?" "How do you manage six flights of stairs a day?"

City life is different and always interesting/difficult. Here is something you may not think about but I found interesting today on my way to work.

The city has several flower pots on street corners. I've always wondered who plants them, waters them, takes care of them. I've never seen any gardeners. But, I learned something new--how they are watered! This big green truck drives by and sprays water into the pots!! I found this highly fascinating and it also made me curious why no homeless people were trying to nab a free shower.

Miracle on 34th Street

I went to Forever 21 on 34th Street on my lunch break in a desperate search of a cute dress to wear to a wedding. I filled my arms with a few potentials although I was pretty sure everything would be too short and hoochie rather than wedding appropriate.

Then I laid eyes on a mannequin that I hoped would be future me. I had to have it. I did a once, then twice over sweep through the nearby area and didn't see it hanging anywhere. I went back and impatiently stood next to cutie future-me mannequin waiting for a Forever 21 salesperson to walk by. Two girls came my direction pushing a long rack of clothes. I smiled and asked "where can I find that dress?" and pointed to lovely mannequin.

"It should be around here, in this area. If it's not, then it's sold out."

"Can I buy the one off the mannequin?"

"No, I'm sorry." ...damn it. Of course I can't have it.

Just then another employee walked by and thankfully overheard what I was asking for. The two workers conversed in Spanish and the one word I picked out amongst the pointing was Azul. I wanted to chime in so bad because clearly they didn't understand how much I needed this dress. "Si! Azul!! DONDE?!?!?!" is what I shouted in my head. Second Spanish speaker chick lead me to a rack of clothes. She put her arm way into the rack and pulled out my cutie dress! HOORAY!!! I got the last one and I am just now coming down off my shopaholic high!! I feel so silly, but I really feel like the luckiest girl right now!! It was a summer miracle on 34th Street!

finally feels like summer in nyc

4th of JULY
American boy flag

circus

L O V E !

my credit card's shopping spree

I received a letter from my bank today stating there had been questionable activity with my credit card. I was just in Seattle so I assumed that was it. I decided I'd better call anyway to see what's going down. I logged on to my online banking before calling and didn't really see anything in particular that stood out... except that I bought a few things at Lovers Package in Seattle for my new sister-in-law's bachelorette party. Do they know me that well to know that an adult store is out of my typical spending patterns? That's awkward. I have to come clean to my bank and confess I entered a sex shop. haha I can just hear the bank customer service now.

"There is some fraudulent activity on your account. YOU don't go in sex shops."

"Oh yeah, Bank of America that was me. I was only buying plastic penises for a party. No need to worry. Can you please report to my parents though that sex shopping is out of my usual spending habits, I'm sure my squeaky clean spending history would make them feel good."

I call the 800 number and tell her I was in Seattle and everything is ok. She then lists a series of purchases that I did not make. Eight hundred-something dollars at P.C. Richard & Son, One hundred fifty-seven at a liquor store, several ten dollar purchases at a deli.

I am half creeped out wondering who and how someone did this, but it also makes me laugh thinking of those Citi identity theft commercials where people's voices and purchases don't match their bodies. I envision in my mental image me $157 drunk in PC Richards buying a new TV, Guitar Hero and an AC with a chicken cutlet sandwich and a meatball sub going home for a great night in with my friends. Here's the visual...She did mention the Lovers Package transaction in her list of suspicious charges. Hahah I guess penis balloons and candy garter shopping is just as ubsurd as $800 in electronics.

38 minutes never felt so long

I have never been as much of a clock watcher as I am being this afternoon. It's probably because I had the worst sleep of my life last night!

First I was really hot. I tried the one leg out of the covers trick, then both. I am still burning up! Then a sneeze attack begins and have to go blow my nose in the bathroom. Then the light on my iPod speakers is too bright and bothering me. I have to turn it off. I toss and turn a few more times and just when I have maybe found a comfortable position, I hear a buzzing in my ear! I swat at the mosquito but still hear the buzzing coming back to pester me some more. Why do I feel like I am camping? I didn't know mosquitoes lived in NYC.

I pass out for a little bit but wake up to itching all over my body--above my eyebrow, on my shoulder, on my toe! The stupid little ear buzzer just helped himself to a buffet! I must ditch the mosquito.

I pass out on the couch only to be abruptly woken up by CRASHING BASHING thunder and super neon bright lightning! Then comes the pelting RAIN! Each drop's sound is magnified as it smacks my air conditioner. This keeps me up from 2am-4am.

My bug bites itch, I have bloodshot eyes with dark bags underneath. I am cranky.

PDC: Q-Tips

Americans as a whole are considered clean people. Compared to our European counterparts we may seem a bit obsessive. We generally shower everyday, brush our teeth twice a day, clip our nails, and frequently wash our hands. We use waterless hand sanitizers, sanitizing wipes, anti-bacterial band-aids, anti-bacterial sprays, you name it we've got it. Grocery stores have sanitizing wipes for customers to wipe off their cart handles. I was shopping this weekend and Purell bottles seemed to be everywhere! Nordstrom had a bottle and the NineWest outlet had one on every shoe display counter. Whenever a Purell bottle looks me in the eye I feel dirty if I don't use a little pump or two. We hate dirt and bacteria and will do whatever it takes to combat it! But I'm realizing that this cleanliness has gone a little too far. Are all of these Public Displays of Cleanliness done to prove that we are hygienic? Are we so worried that people won't think we are clean that we must perform these PDC's? I mean I used the Purell so my fellow shoppers would know my hands were clean. Other people must feel this way too.

Most of the time in a big city it is hard to feel clean. I walk along littered streets all day where pollution and cigarette smoke are blown right in my face and freshly Herbal Essenced hair. It takes a little getting used to. There are the obvious things you'd expect to see on any city street: trash, cigarette butts, gum, dog poop. But then there are the unexpected things I've seen: clothing sensors, various animal parts (I saw an entire frozen pig once), Diaper Genie, squashed rats, vomit, avocado pits, playing cards (Jack Burger wasn't kidding in Sex & the City), shrimp shells, my list goes on and on.

For some reason what bothers me the most are Q-Tips. In a city sprinkled with cigarette butts, the presence of Q-Tips almost goes unnoticed, but not by me. Not only is it disgusting, but also confusing. Since when has it been acceptable to be walking down the street cleaning out your ears?! Do people I know actually do this? Please fess up now. This is PDC taken to a whole new level!

This has become a mystery to me and that's partly the problem. Never once have I seen someone walking across 14th street, digging a Q-Tip in their ear, yet the remnants are undeniably proving that it IS happening. If you're going to leave the Q-Tip behind for all to see, wouldn't you want to take extra long, reveling in your PDC making sure all of NYC knows your ears are wax free?

Proving that you are clean is one thing, but where have manners gone? At one point in time wasn't it considered rude to even apply makeup in public? Women had to excuse themselves to the powder room to powder their noses (is that why small bathrooms are called powder rooms?) Now it is not uncommon to see women applying full faces of makeup on public transit.; drawing on their eyebrows and lip liner on the C train. I've seen the worst of it too--boogers and "feminine napkins" in fitting rooms, nail clipping in church and cubicles. I even saw a woman standing on 57th street loudly clipping away her 10 fingernails in the middle of the day. But the worst has to be Q-Tips on the sidewalks! I don't even want to imagine what's coming next and I am still on the lookout to see some Q-Tipping in action.

The more I think about it though, the more my PDC theory makes sense. The makeup applying girl is proving that she has a clean face and isn't wearing last night's makeup leftovers. She's basically saying to her fellow subway riders, "I showered today, I swear." So seeing Q-Tips on the sidewalks should be assuring me that my fellow New York residents are cleaning out their earwax. But for some reason it grosses me out too much.

New York EasyDates

I get to work this morning and immediately delete my 3 emails from New York EasyDates instructing me to select my matches from speed dating last night. Yep, I went speed dating. Walking into the bar where the event was held I was completely nervous. The nervousness only intensified when I began taking inventory of my arriving future daters. I don't want to date these guys! My friends and I took a shot and got some beers, walked upstairs to the hostess and retrieved our name tags. Surveying the other names among my Jamie D tag were names like Tara, Kerry, Gaby on the girls' side and Ilya, Rishikesh, Amjad on the guys' side. Crap, I can't even pronounce these names.

Each girl had either a table, a portion of the bar, or a section of a bench and the guys rotated around the room every three minutes. Now, I realize that three minutes is NOT a lot of time to talk to someone, but there were definitely times where my three minute dates felt like three torturous hours. In a few instances I wanted to scream out "NEXT!" or ditch my date to get another drink. I sat on my bench and partook in some of the worst conversations I've ever had.

All the daters asked the same questions. "Where are you from? What do you do? What do you do for fun?" This got really old really fast as I was saying the same things over and over again "I'm from Seattle, Washington. I work for an investment bank. I like to explore New York and try new things." I was a broken record so I started to spice it up with "Have you ever had braces? What's your most embarrassing moment? What's your favorite kind of dog?" This made it a little more fun for me, but still it was tiring to have these conversations over and over again maintaining enthusiasm and spunk.

A few cases were particularly bad:

Michael: acne-faced redhead carrying a backpack. His favorite things to do are eat and sleep. He likes Mexican food and he was a math major, of course. This is the visual. He was so incredibly awkward and would kind of sit there avoiding eye contact giving me simple one word answers and uncomfortable head nods. I checked the 'no' box for sure.

Rishikesh: dark skinned Middle Eastern looking guy. I asked him where he was from and he said Kansas City. Hmm.. not really what I meant.

Amjad: Pakistani dude and we spent most of the three minutes working out the phonetics of his name. He gave me an 8 out of 10 on my pronunciation. 'No' fo sho!

Other highlights included one guy telling me the details of his appendicitis and how much he vomited and insisted to his 'ma' that it wasn't just gas pains. Sounds like he lives with Ma. Definitely a no.

Another guy told me about how he got really drunk, puked in his friend's car then stripped off his shirt and ran home screaming "superman!" Nope.

One guy sat down and said right off the bat "go ahead and check the no box now. I can tell you're tall. I'm only 5'9". Tall women like tall men." You can imagine how much fun the rest of the 2 minutes and 45 seconds were. Self proclaimed no.

Someone else told me he was from New Hampshire and I started laughing and said I always wanted to go there as a kid because I loved hamsters and I would remember the state name on my geography test by nicknaming it New Hamster. Seriously... who says stuff like this to strangers? Me apparently. He must've checked no for that.

At the end of the night my little yes or no ballot sheet looked like this all the way down.

Apt #31 part II

I know the anticipation has been killing all my faithful readers and I just got my internet turned back on, so here it is. Drum roll please!We're going on week two in our new apartment now. Yay! We've had some minor glitches, but so far so good. The move went well; we ordered a pizza, propped open the doors of #32 and #31 and made the many arm-load trips into the new place. And just in case there is any confusion, we LITERALLY moved next door. Please see the visual aid I have prepared for anyone who may not understand what I mean by next door.

I deep cleaned the fridge in the new place which had some black dog hairs stuck inside the fridge door. eww. They let their dog look around in the fridge? Laina scrubbed out the kitchen cabinets and we each cleaned our new rooms. While cleaning her room, she discovered massive amounts of dustbunnies residing in her radiator. This set her off into a focused cleaning mode in which she began poking and prodding into her radiator using chopsticks, our dustbuster and salad tongs to remove the dust clumps. I peeked in the room to find her playing her own solitary game of Operation on a quest to remove all dustbunnies before hitting the metal edges.

In the end, our super removed the radiator from her room entirely which gave her 5 more inches to her room and wasted her long and thoughtful dust extraction efforts. Just to be sure she was safe from a future "water attack," I assisted her in stuffing the exposed pipe with papertowels and wrapping Saran wrap around it several times. No floods here.

Laina went to Ikea over the weekend and thankfully bought some furniture. Coming from such a tiny apartment to a more normal sized one, it is pretty empty. No table, no couch, no TV stand. Laina bought a kitchen table and a TV stand this weekend among the other gadgets from Ikea that you just can't help but toss into your blue and yellow bag.

We carried the stuff up our 6 flights of stairs and then got to work putting the furniture together. This was no easy feat. I realized how bad my screwdrivers are, how bad Ikea's instruction manuals are, and how Ikea furniture has to be done on a buddy system. While Laina was working on putting together the TV stand, her instructions were only this:

A hand screwing in a screw and then twisting the table leg onto it. She began screwing in the screw with her bare hand like the picture shows. She said it was hurting so I tossed her an oven mit. I was busy with the kitchen table at the time, but turned to look at her and she is now screwing in the screw with her oven mitted hand cursing at Ikea for the horrible instructions and terrible hole placement causing our furniture to be flawed. Gotta love what girls use as tools to get things done around the house. Oven mits, chopsticks, salad tongs and saran wrap.

Slowly but surely it is coming together. We may be watching TV while sitting on folding chairs but it won't be like that forever. Hopefully. Our most difficult task is probably the kitchen. This is a picture of how it looked when we first moved in.

So much white I feel like there should be a blood pressure machine mounted to the wall. The drawers seem like they should be filled with syringes and cotton balls. My arm hurts in flu shot anticipation.

There is still a lot of white in my "after" pic, but we have added a few things and its beginning to look a bit better and less like a hospital.

Please see the beautiful exposed brick, my very chic and lovely cactus and the super cute red cushioned chairs. And yes, obviously I realize this is not the same view as above and that's because those clinical cabinets unfortunately still look like that. We're toying around with some ideas: contact paper, new handles, etc. We're open to suggestions.

I'm very enthusiastic about this move and excited about my new home. There will definitely be more to come once we get some more furniture and more stories of our silly girly household tool choices.

Apt #31

Laina and I live in the tiniest space that can probably legally be called an apartment. We have no living room, no dining room and no kitchen drawers. To watch The City and Grey's Anatomy, we both sit on my bed together. We live down a 19 foot hallway (the bowling lane) that leads to mini-me living in which we utilize everything IKEA makes for quirky apartments. I fantasize of a living room and a couch and a kitchen drawer to put my spoons in.

My fantasies are on the brink of real life. Since living in our building, Laina and I quickly discovered that with every vacant apartment, they don't lock the doors. Every time we've discovered a vacancy we shamelessly let ourselves in and snoop around, sizing up every other apartment ("ohh that one didn't have a dishwasher," "I didn't like the light fixtures," "wouldn't it be nice to live on the 2nd floor instead of the 6th?"). Well, one day we noticed the apartment next door to us was empty... apartment #31. We walked in to a large kitchen, exposed brick, a living room, an extra closeted two bedroom apartment. I. WANT. IT.

Laina called and emailed the guy we signed our lease with and he told her the price--out of our price range. Dang. I started some Craigslisting at work and found the apartment for $5 less than what we pay now! So now I begin emailing and calling. No response for 2 days. They have open houses on both days for the apartment we have clearly stated we want. Someone calls me back and says it shouldn't be a problem to transfer us over to a new lease. AWESOME. Dream move here we come. We will be propping open both doors, cranking some tunes and enjoying the easiest and best move anyone has ever had in no time.

After a few phone calls with the management, I am told a variety of different things. We need a $500 certified check, no we don't. We need to fill out the application again and provide bank statements, pay stubs, W2's, I-9's, letters of employment. No, all we need to do is fill out the application and provide 2 pay stubs--their computer system is down so come in on Monday to sign the lease.
Monday: their computer system is still down. Come tomorrow.
Tuesday: computer system is still down; email the documents (how can email be received if the system is down?) hmm....
Wednesday: Laina decides to lay down the law; she calls them to tell them this is unacceptable.
Thursday: We sign the lease
Friday: We're (supposed to be) moving in but can't get in touch with the super to get keys....

....to be continued....