Miracle on 34th Street

I went to Forever 21 on 34th Street on my lunch break in a desperate search of a cute dress to wear to a wedding. I filled my arms with a few potentials although I was pretty sure everything would be too short and hoochie rather than wedding appropriate.

Then I laid eyes on a mannequin that I hoped would be future me. I had to have it. I did a once, then twice over sweep through the nearby area and didn't see it hanging anywhere. I went back and impatiently stood next to cutie future-me mannequin waiting for a Forever 21 salesperson to walk by. Two girls came my direction pushing a long rack of clothes. I smiled and asked "where can I find that dress?" and pointed to lovely mannequin.

"It should be around here, in this area. If it's not, then it's sold out."

"Can I buy the one off the mannequin?"

"No, I'm sorry." ...damn it. Of course I can't have it.

Just then another employee walked by and thankfully overheard what I was asking for. The two workers conversed in Spanish and the one word I picked out amongst the pointing was Azul. I wanted to chime in so bad because clearly they didn't understand how much I needed this dress. "Si! Azul!! DONDE?!?!?!" is what I shouted in my head. Second Spanish speaker chick lead me to a rack of clothes. She put her arm way into the rack and pulled out my cutie dress! HOORAY!!! I got the last one and I am just now coming down off my shopaholic high!! I feel so silly, but I really feel like the luckiest girl right now!! It was a summer miracle on 34th Street!

my credit card's shopping spree

I received a letter from my bank today stating there had been questionable activity with my credit card. I was just in Seattle so I assumed that was it. I decided I'd better call anyway to see what's going down. I logged on to my online banking before calling and didn't really see anything in particular that stood out... except that I bought a few things at Lovers Package in Seattle for my new sister-in-law's bachelorette party. Do they know me that well to know that an adult store is out of my typical spending patterns? That's awkward. I have to come clean to my bank and confess I entered a sex shop. haha I can just hear the bank customer service now.

"There is some fraudulent activity on your account. YOU don't go in sex shops."

"Oh yeah, Bank of America that was me. I was only buying plastic penises for a party. No need to worry. Can you please report to my parents though that sex shopping is out of my usual spending habits, I'm sure my squeaky clean spending history would make them feel good."

I call the 800 number and tell her I was in Seattle and everything is ok. She then lists a series of purchases that I did not make. Eight hundred-something dollars at P.C. Richard & Son, One hundred fifty-seven at a liquor store, several ten dollar purchases at a deli.

I am half creeped out wondering who and how someone did this, but it also makes me laugh thinking of those Citi identity theft commercials where people's voices and purchases don't match their bodies. I envision in my mental image me $157 drunk in PC Richards buying a new TV, Guitar Hero and an AC with a chicken cutlet sandwich and a meatball sub going home for a great night in with my friends. Here's the visual...She did mention the Lovers Package transaction in her list of suspicious charges. Hahah I guess penis balloons and candy garter shopping is just as ubsurd as $800 in electronics.

Värnamo ho!

Once upon a Saturday afternoon, roommates Jamie and Laina ventured to the Brooklyn Ikea. They were on a couch hunt. They wandered through the maze of couches doing their comparison shopping Goldilocks-style: "this one is too hard, this one is too expensive, this one is juuuuust right!" The girls found a very plush, perfectly sized brownish-with-a-hint-of-purple couch for a very reasonable price. Jamie wrote down Värnamo and its location in the warehouse. The girls meandered through the course of Ikea and selected various other necessities--wineglasses, frames, a cantaloupe colored flower.

The girls finally made their way to aisle 18 bin 52 where the couch was located and come across nothing. Not one purpley-brown couch in sight. Feeling defeated and learning that the store will not receive another shipment until Tuesday, the girls hesitantly headed toward the cash registers. Instantly the other purchases seemed meaningless without having a couch in tow.

Laina chose a cash register line and Jamie followed. Suddenly the next thing Jamie saw was Laina jumping and grasping something in front of them.

"It's the couch! You took the last couch!!!" She exclaimed to the redhead in front of them.
"It was the last one? There were two when I saw it there." said the redhead as she draped her denim jacket over the couch, staking her claim.
"There weren't anymore..." Laina said sadly as she turned to face equally saddened Jamie.

"Bitch." Jamie whispered to Laina.
"Seriously, give us the couch" Laina and Jamie made some quiet banter back and forth.
"I'll buy you a Pinkberry if you give us the couch"
"Jame, we dilly dallied too long! We would have gotten one of them!"
"It's because we spent way too much time searching for that stupid lamp. UGH I am pissed!" Jamie said as she stomped her foot in the same bratty way she did as a kid.
"I think she's swiping her second credit card for it. The couch might be ours afterall!" Laina said as she gave the redhead a death stare.
"she looks like she's nervous, she's getting flushed. Just hand over the couch. Your credit card is declined!" Jamie said as she hoped for the credit card to decline.

After the redheaded couch taker left with the couch, Jamie was rung up at the register. "Those girls took the last couch and we wanted it and now we want to hurt them!" Laina told the Ikea cashier who laughed.

..."Did you see a sticker for this? Or remember how much it was?" Asked the Ikea cashier as she searched the cantaloupe hued faux flower.
"No, I have no idea." Jamie said annoyed.
"hmmm..."
"Damn it Laina! You chose a flower with no tag! This is the worst Ikea experience ever! Forget the flower." Jamie whined with another stomp of the foot.
"Well, why don't I ring everything up, put it all on hold and then you can run back and get another flower and then you can cut the line and come pay for it all." The cashier offered.
"Ok."

Jamie headed back through the warehouse where she instantly laid eyes on THE couch!! Something snapped inside of her and she tried to call Laina. No answer. She sprinted back through the maze of customers and yelled while flailing all limbs "LAINA THERE IS AN ABANDONED COooOOuuUCH OVER THEeEeRREeeEeEEeEE!!!"

"GO GET IT!" Laina and the cashier exclaimed in unison.

Without another word Jamie was filled with a surge of adrenaline and weaved back through the sea of customers to stake claim on the unclaimed sofa. After slyly scanning the area, Jamie slowly began pushing the couch in the direction of the registers, waiting for someone to protest her couch theft. Nothing happened. Jamie successfully pushed the couch all the way to the front of the line where the cashier's smile was just as big as Laina's and she was motioning to cut to the front of the line.

Being a smarty pants, Laina had to ask "aren't you glad now that I chose a flower with no tag?"
Jamie gave her a dirty look completed with an eye roll.

"Does this make it your best Ikea experience ever?" Asked the cashier.
"Yes! I am so excited right now!" Jamie grinned. Her bratty mood completely vanished.
"So no flower I take it?"
"Yeah no flower. Over it."

The two girls had never been happier. They got in line for home delivery, filled out the paperwork and were again united with the redhead from before.

"So what couch did you end up getting?" Asked Red.
"Same one as you." Laina stated proudly.
"ohh... I hope its not the one I saw with the big scratch on it" Said bitchy Red.

"yeah whatever, redheaded ho-bag. Why do you have to be such a bitch?" Jamie and Laina again had a whispering bashing session.
"How about you fix your ponytail?!"
"How about you don't wear two shades of kelly green that clash?!"
"and that scarf"

The couch was delivered the SAME DAY scratch free! Stupid redheaded biznatch. Hers better be scratched.

a nice meating.

Chocolate covered bacon. I did some research and found that it exists! It's called "pig candy" and can be purchased at Roni-Sue's Chocolates in the Essex Street Market which is super close to my apartment. My roommate Laina and I met there after work today and went straight to the chocolate shop for the chocolate covered bacon. I purchased milk and dark chocolate pig candy and we were all set to go.

On our way toward the exit, a piratey-looking man with a long brown ponytail and multiple earrings blurts out, "Welcome to the market!" He introduces himself as Jeffrey, a fourth generation butcher in the market and insists on showing us the family business and how old time butchery is done. He pulls out a big slab of raw meat to show us a few things.

"First, the butcher takes the New York strip steak," he says as he pats the slab with his blood-crusted hand. "The butcher then assesses that he is cutting for two skinny little girls and will trim the fat off the edges," he says as he gracefully slices off most of the white parts. "The butcher will wrap them up and say 'enjoy your welcome-to-the-market gift.'" He hands us the bag of meat.

"Now this is some good quality meat I'm giving you. Do NOT fuck it up."

We laugh, continue in small talk and cooking instructions because we really didn't want to fuck these steaks up. We mentioned we've lived in the neighborhood since April and he insisted on a welcome-to-the-neighborhood gift of a fresh mozzarella ball. These two "welcome" gifts combined will become the best meal I've had since Thanksgiving weekend!

We get home and I carefully follow Jeffrey's instruction. Oven heated to 325 degrees. Check. Hot skillet sprinkled with salt and pepper. Check. Unwrapped steaks ready for searing. Check.

I think I'm good to go.

Except... the pepper in the skillet starts smoking a little too much. Shit! I know what's coming next. Our overactive smoke alarm is beeping within seconds and our apartment is filled with peppered smoke igniting a coughing frenzy. Yep, in steak preparation I successfully have set off a bomb of low-dose pepper spray smoke which rapidly permeates the apartment. Laina literally can not breathe. She begins our fire alarm remedy of fanning a towel at the smoke alarm which is incessantly repeating "Fire! Fire!" in its robot voice. She then starts frantically running from bedroom to bedroom, opening and closing every door to possibly quarantine herself but to no prevail. There is no escaping this smoke. I am still at the stove in a calm zone, focused on not ruining the steaks and ignoring the alarms and forcing myself to suppress the urge to cough. Must. Make. Steaks. "Fire! Fire!" that stupid alarm repeats.

After several minutes of this nightmare, we survived our pepper-smoke attack and enjoyed the most delicious (and only) steak I've ever cooked! What a lovely free meal. An appetizer of fresh mozzarella cheese, peppered New York strip steak for the main course, followed by a decadent chocolate dessert of pig candy.

For further reading, please see our new friend at: http://www.jeffreysonessex.com/