may recap

May has been an interesting month. I have to be honest and say I am glad it's over in 40 minutes. Here's the scoop:

May 1-3: My life coach and BFF Colleen visitsMay 4: I get laid off
May 5: I turn 25
May 6-8: Search for jobs
May 8-11: I go to Seattle for a weekend trip; boyfriend gets his backpack stolen :-( I get to spend Mother's Day with my mom and grandma :-)May 11-18: Boyfriend goes to LA for work; I spend my lonely days searching for jobs and interviewing
May 21: I accept a job offer
May 21-25: Phoenix reunion trip with my my best friends in the entire worldMay 26-29: First week of new job
May 29-31: Spend entire weekend with boyfriend :-)Phewww I'm exhausted and ready for a new month. Happy June!

memoirs of behhnard.

A few weeks into my old job, just when I thought I was getting the hang of my ridiculously tedious multi-step reporting spreadsheet, Frenchman Behhnard the portfolio manager came to point out something important.

"uhh Jamie, there izz somezzing wrong with thizzz," he said in his French accent.

Shit I must've messed up on the number of shares again, or forgot to change the date, I thought. I always seemed to make stupid mistakes.

"I don't like when thizzz izzz like thizzz. I don't undehhhstand why you would do it like thizzz and not like thizzz." He said as he pointed to the alignment of the lefthand-side staple.

"Oh, ok." I said, unsure of what just happened. Was he really giving me critiques on my staple alignment? He must not know that I am a college graduate. A slightly askew 90 degree angle staple is a problem?! That French asshole Behhhnard is lucky I even take the time to staple his effing sheets.

From that point on I literally had to focus my hands on stapling straight and if it wasn't a good staple I would switch his copy with someone else's. Ridiculous.

Last November I was chosen to go on a business trip with Behhnard to Boston for a financial trade show. I was the assistant who would do all the bitch-work for him. Great, this is going to be the weekend from hell. I arrived to the convention center and our booth had n-o-t-h-i-n-g. No carpet, no table, no chairs. What do I do? I thought about stealing one of the other booth's stuff. No. That's not right. I end up going over to the supply people and order $500 worth of booth supplies. The nice Boston accented workers helped me out a TON and I managed to set it all up. whhheewww.

The next morning was the first day of the convention. My cell phone rings as I am ironing my shirt.

"ughhh Jamie. I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news izzz that I am late coming iiiiin on the train. The good news izzz you get to be a biiiiiig girl and be in the booth my youhhself"

This is just fabulous. What do I know about selling mutual funds??! I stand in the booth from 8am until 1pm smiling and chatting with random passersby trying my best to AVOID talking about mutual funds.

He finally arrives and immediately heads off to get himself a plate of food. This man is unbelievable! I have been standing here for 5 hours and I am starving and my face hurts from fakey chit chat smiling!

"ughhh Jamie, you can go geeet some food iiiif you like" he says. Thanks for the permission, jerk.

The rest of the day goes by with him completely rearranging how I set up the booth, him making me stand in front and smile while he sits and reads his newspaper. He makes me staple his business cards to the flyers. I have shaky hands trying to make perfect 90 degree angles. Just alight the staple parallel to the top of the paper. You can do this Jamie.

At one point he had the brilliant idea that all Chinese people at the convention were wealthy investors and he literally made me CHASE a group of Asians across the convention center to give them a brochure. This is humiliating. THEN he has the idea that I am a good salesperson and says he wants me to hold his sign and walk up and down the aisle Vanna White style to advertise our booth. I refuse.

At the end of the night he disappeared for awhile and came back with purple stained teeth, smelling like a bottle of merlot. This is when he begins quizzing me on option trades.

"iiiiif your jacket costs $100, at what price do you sell the rights for someone to buy iiiiit at $90?"

huh?

He continued to try and give me examples of ways that I would understand the concept of a put and a call. I had been in this convention center booth for 12 hours and am being quizzed on OPTION TRADES by a drunken Frenchman. I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW. Lucky for me, the convention center lights were shut off in the middle of this conversation, but he continued the finance tutorial sesh all the way up the escalators, out the door, and the entire cab ride to the hotel.

The next day was a half day, but my cell phone rings at 6:45am with Behhnard telling me to go buy markers and tape because he wants to make a new sign for today. I fast forward my makeup and hair straightening routine so I can run to Staples. He is unhappy with my purchases and makes me go buy another kind of tape. This man is impossible. What I should have bought at Staples is an easy button.

The second it is announced that the day is over he packs up his wheelie suitcase and leaves me to pack up all the stuff and tear down the booth by myself. Why was I surprised? After that I passive aggressively made his staples a just a little bit crooked.

my bridesmaid nightmare

I've been helping my mom search for mother of the groom ensembles that aren't too old lady looking and its really tough. I'm also searching for the perfect combination of bridesmaid shoes that a) won't use up all my unemployment money, b) won't dig into my feet leaving me with permanent strap mark scars, and c) will keep me under 6'2"

also a tough search.

During these searches I got a little side tracked and started looking at what Nordstrom has to offer for bridesmaid dresses. I clicked to sort by bestsellers and this was the 6th runner up!

OMGGGGGGG this MIGHT be the ugliest dress I have ever seen.

It honestly looks like something I would have tried to make when I used to beg my mom to teach me how to sew.

The huge bow looks like the seamstress messed up some stitching and used the bow to cover up the flaw. It also reminds me of the Friends episode when Phoebe gets hummus on her dress and covers it with a big Christmas bow.

My deepest sympathies to any bridesmaid who has to wear this.

PDC: Q-Tips

Americans as a whole are considered clean people. Compared to our European counterparts we may seem a bit obsessive. We generally shower everyday, brush our teeth twice a day, clip our nails, and frequently wash our hands. We use waterless hand sanitizers, sanitizing wipes, anti-bacterial band-aids, anti-bacterial sprays, you name it we've got it. Grocery stores have sanitizing wipes for customers to wipe off their cart handles. I was shopping this weekend and Purell bottles seemed to be everywhere! Nordstrom had a bottle and the NineWest outlet had one on every shoe display counter. Whenever a Purell bottle looks me in the eye I feel dirty if I don't use a little pump or two. We hate dirt and bacteria and will do whatever it takes to combat it! But I'm realizing that this cleanliness has gone a little too far. Are all of these Public Displays of Cleanliness done to prove that we are hygienic? Are we so worried that people won't think we are clean that we must perform these PDC's? I mean I used the Purell so my fellow shoppers would know my hands were clean. Other people must feel this way too.

Most of the time in a big city it is hard to feel clean. I walk along littered streets all day where pollution and cigarette smoke are blown right in my face and freshly Herbal Essenced hair. It takes a little getting used to. There are the obvious things you'd expect to see on any city street: trash, cigarette butts, gum, dog poop. But then there are the unexpected things I've seen: clothing sensors, various animal parts (I saw an entire frozen pig once), Diaper Genie, squashed rats, vomit, avocado pits, playing cards (Jack Burger wasn't kidding in Sex & the City), shrimp shells, my list goes on and on.

For some reason what bothers me the most are Q-Tips. In a city sprinkled with cigarette butts, the presence of Q-Tips almost goes unnoticed, but not by me. Not only is it disgusting, but also confusing. Since when has it been acceptable to be walking down the street cleaning out your ears?! Do people I know actually do this? Please fess up now. This is PDC taken to a whole new level!

This has become a mystery to me and that's partly the problem. Never once have I seen someone walking across 14th street, digging a Q-Tip in their ear, yet the remnants are undeniably proving that it IS happening. If you're going to leave the Q-Tip behind for all to see, wouldn't you want to take extra long, reveling in your PDC making sure all of NYC knows your ears are wax free?

Proving that you are clean is one thing, but where have manners gone? At one point in time wasn't it considered rude to even apply makeup in public? Women had to excuse themselves to the powder room to powder their noses (is that why small bathrooms are called powder rooms?) Now it is not uncommon to see women applying full faces of makeup on public transit.; drawing on their eyebrows and lip liner on the C train. I've seen the worst of it too--boogers and "feminine napkins" in fitting rooms, nail clipping in church and cubicles. I even saw a woman standing on 57th street loudly clipping away her 10 fingernails in the middle of the day. But the worst has to be Q-Tips on the sidewalks! I don't even want to imagine what's coming next and I am still on the lookout to see some Q-Tipping in action.

The more I think about it though, the more my PDC theory makes sense. The makeup applying girl is proving that she has a clean face and isn't wearing last night's makeup leftovers. She's basically saying to her fellow subway riders, "I showered today, I swear." So seeing Q-Tips on the sidewalks should be assuring me that my fellow New York residents are cleaning out their earwax. But for some reason it grosses me out too much.

my ABC's

A - Age: 25
B - Bed size: full
C - Chore you hate: cleaning the shower. Can I get away with only Swiffering my shower?
D - Dog's name: I wish I had a dog!
E - Essential start your day item: Coffee and a shower
F - Favorite color(s): PURPLE
G - Gold or Silver: gold
H - Height: 5'11"
I - Instruments you play: recorder :)
J - Job title: n/a
K - Kid(s): just some mice and roaches
L - Living arrangements: 6th floor 2 bedroom walk-up with Laina
M - Mom's name: Gail
N - Nicknames: Jamers, Mimi, Jamiekins
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: none
P - Pet Peeve: When people quote movies all the time
Q - Quote from a movie: please see above
R - Right or left handed: Right
S - Siblings: older sister Julie & younger brother Ryan
T - Time you wake up: Depends... for work was 6am, now 9ish
U - Underwear: Hanky Panky
V - Vegetable you dislike: rootabaga
W - Workout style: living in a 6th floor walk-up
X - X-rays you've had: teeth and neck
Y - Yesterday's best moment: Spending mother's day with my mom (and winning $17 in the casino)
Z - Zoo favorite: Otters

601,000 new friends

601,000 jobless claims for May week 2. I feel like I just somehow made 601,000 new friends. I wonder if they're out there doing the same things as me. I think unemployment brings out an entirely different side in myself--a side I'm pretty sure I don't like much. I've been doing weird things and acting out in tantrums and cry fests. I wonder if my 601,000 new friends are too. Here's a summary of what I've done with myself since Monday. If you're one of my new friends, let's compare.

Monday

• Walked out of ex-employer and into the rain.
• Cried a little bit on the phone with (my super awesome) boyfriend
• Ran an errand for him
• Went home and put on sweats and fixed up resume
• Met formerly unemployed friend Chris for pep-talk, tea and a sandwich
• Worked on resume some more
• Met boyfriend after he finished work. Broke down crying the second he hugged me
• Went to Whole Foods where I had a temper tantrum like a 3 year old ("Nothing looks good! Everything looks so gross. I don't want to eat anything!")
• Picked up Thai food and was "tricked" into sharing it with clever boyfriend
• Watched The Hills

Tuesday (my 25th birthday)

• Friend Kilali came over
• Ate chocolate macaroon, pear tart and strawberry cake with a bottle of champagne for breakfast
• Watched Who Wants to be a Millionaire and learned my future daytime television lineup
• Went out to eat 2nd breakfast of the world's best pancakes!!
• Saw Wolverine but slept the entire time. (expensive nap for someone who is jobless)
• Got a phone call for an interview. Scheduled interview for Wednesday
• Received FedEx box filled with the remnants of my cubicle (yay Marc Jacobs pen!)
• Went to dinner with boyfriend (who arrived with flowers)
• Began horribly crazy sobfest

Wednesday

• Interview at 10am. Not my best.
• Called mom and had break down... again.
• Played on the computer and cleaned apartment wearing only bra and tights
• Called unemployment office (was on hold for 15 minutes due to high volume of callers--my new friends)
• Called ex-employer HR
• Booked ticket to go to Seattle for the weekend
• Went to ex-employer to return company laptop
• Ate entire box of Kraft macaroni and cheese
• Watched Gossip Girl, America's Next Top Model and The Hills... again.

Thursday

• Made huge bowl of oatmeal
• Dropped off laundry
• Received NY Department of Labor unemployment information packet. I wonder how many of those my mail lady has delivered..
• Going to tackle messy room and gross bathroom

happy birthday, you're now unemployed.

I got to work extra early this morning to start the week off on the right foot. I had a feeling work was going to be bad today. I get there and immediately dive into my Excel sheets. I was so busy focusing on my work that I failed to notice the extra odd work environment. No one in my firm is particularly friendly anyway but no one is talking today at all. oh well. must. get. reports. done. by. 8:30.

I successfully finish my crazy Excel report by 8:34 and feel proud of myself for getting the 9 step report done so quickly and efficiently. I distribute and as a reward I make myself a cup of coffee. I fill in at the reception desk to cover a quick bathroom break and out of the conference room exits one of the other younger girls in the firm. I've never actually talked to her but she always seems nice.

"If you need anything, please call." says the voice of the HR director Joe.

She exits with her bags on her shoulders and doesn't look back. Weird. 8:40 am. She quit?

I head back to my cubicle with a pit in my stomach. My cubiclemate's phone rings.

"Hi Joe. Yeah, I'll be right there.." He leaves the cube. The HR assistant comes to collect his jacket.

My intuition screams We're getting laid off and I'm next!!!! I quickly and frantically delete as many stupid personal emails as I can in 3 minutes. Shit, I have 7 pairs of flats under my desk, a yellow bathmat, my desk drawers are full of sweaters, a hooker-looking skirt, a Danielle Steel book and a Blowpop. I throw it all into a bag and my phone rings with the conference room on the caller ID. I'm a gonner!

I enter the conference room to see the HR directors at the table with a maroon folder in front of them. Both of them looking at me with bloodshot glassy eyes. My shaky hands can barely close the door.

"I don't know if you realize what's happening today, but we are having to downsize the firm and your position is being terminated..."

That's all I was able to comprehend from this talk. Somehow his words were not words anymore, my hands were leaving wet marks on the table, my voice turned semi-manly and hoarse and they wouldn't even let me go back to my desk to pack my own stuff. Before I knew it the HR directors were forcing me to exchange my corporate credit card and key cards for the yellow bathmat and the maroon folder.

I exit the building into the rain not quite sure what emotion to feel. I hated the job but now this is a mess. Unemployment?! ME??? really?? Don't they know tomorrow is my birthday? RUDE!

And to make matters worse I forgot to grab my favorite lipgloss and my Marc Jacobs pen.

Happy Birthday and Happy Unemployment to me!