my credit card's shopping spree

I received a letter from my bank today stating there had been questionable activity with my credit card. I was just in Seattle so I assumed that was it. I decided I'd better call anyway to see what's going down. I logged on to my online banking before calling and didn't really see anything in particular that stood out... except that I bought a few things at Lovers Package in Seattle for my new sister-in-law's bachelorette party. Do they know me that well to know that an adult store is out of my typical spending patterns? That's awkward. I have to come clean to my bank and confess I entered a sex shop. haha I can just hear the bank customer service now.

"There is some fraudulent activity on your account. YOU don't go in sex shops."

"Oh yeah, Bank of America that was me. I was only buying plastic penises for a party. No need to worry. Can you please report to my parents though that sex shopping is out of my usual spending habits, I'm sure my squeaky clean spending history would make them feel good."

I call the 800 number and tell her I was in Seattle and everything is ok. She then lists a series of purchases that I did not make. Eight hundred-something dollars at P.C. Richard & Son, One hundred fifty-seven at a liquor store, several ten dollar purchases at a deli.

I am half creeped out wondering who and how someone did this, but it also makes me laugh thinking of those Citi identity theft commercials where people's voices and purchases don't match their bodies. I envision in my mental image me $157 drunk in PC Richards buying a new TV, Guitar Hero and an AC with a chicken cutlet sandwich and a meatball sub going home for a great night in with my friends. Here's the visual...She did mention the Lovers Package transaction in her list of suspicious charges. Hahah I guess penis balloons and candy garter shopping is just as ubsurd as $800 in electronics.

Judais-dumb

One of the best things about my new job is the diversity. I work with old, young, tall, short, black, white, Asian, Indian, Jewish, Catholic, Christian, gay and straight people... you name it, we've got it. I really like this about the company I am with. I like being exposed to different people. I had mandatory diversity training in my old job and I'm sure I probably got at least an A- on some sort of college paper on the topic. I'd say I have a pretty open mind, but I am learning I am uneducated.

My boss is an Orthodox Jew. There are several Orthodox Jews in the office. This is not a problem for me... except it is. My raised-in-a-Christian-home self does not know how to say or spell Chaim, Moishe, Lichtenstein, or Leizhersohn. I receive calls and verbally butcher innocent victims' names as I try and get my mouth to reproduce sounds I know I can't repeat. Before this job "The Chosen" was probably the most exposure I ever had to a Jew. I have become so obsessed with my lack of awareness and being sensitive, that now I swear I see mirages of yamakas on every man's head I see. This is only the beginning of my problem. I don't think I ever paid attention or retained any studied facts about Judaism that I may have learned in school. Here's why:

One of my first days I said mister on the phone and my boss corrected me to address the man as RABBI. Rabbis often come visit and call him and don't speak English. This makes me nervous.

There is a kosher fridge in the kitchen next to me. I don't know what I can and can't do with it. All I know is that I shouldn't be putting any BLTs in there. I prefer to take the safe route and leave it alone and use the fridge down the hall.

This older man in the office likes to visit me and give me candy and of course I encourage this. One time when I was not at my desk he hid a mint behind my stapler. He called me to give me the hint to look behind my stapler and in my excitement I said without thinking, "Ohhh fun! It's like an Easter egg hunt on my desk!" I hung up my phone and realized I just mentioned Easter to a Jew. Shit.

The same candy guy shared a box of chocolates with me to celebrate the birth of his grandson. As I was savoring a delicious raspberry truffle, in my ignorance I asked, "awww! What's the baby's name?" There was a pause in the room and he told me Jewish babies are not named until 8 days after their birth when he will be circumcised. "Do you know what a circumcision is?" he asked me. No... can you please explain?... with a diagram? How mortifying.

Needless to say, I've been spending a lot of time on Wikipedia but it hasn't been paying off. Somehow no matter what I read, something dumb is still able to slip out of my mouth. I'm trying to educate myself, but it's humiliating to have to immediately minimize my internet browser when someone gets within reading distance and can read the tabs I have open: JUDAISM 101, Keeping Kosher, 2009 Jewish holiday calendar, Answers.com-Shabbos.

I guess I should have actually read "The Chosen" and not just the Cliffs Notes.

I love sequins but

I remember why I actually HATE them. I tried on a sequin dress on my lunch break and the stupid things scratched up my whole face, arms and fingers on the way off! Torturous memories of ballet recitals came rushing back to me.

Is there some sort of sequin shield out there? The longer I look at my arms the more red lines appear! I can't even imagine the battle wounds from actually wearing a sequin dress out all night!

Here's what I imagine before and after being.

BEFORE

AFTER

I need to invent the sequin shield.

adventures in dreamland

I've always been a firm believer in the meaning of dreams, or at least entertained by what my brain can come up with. I also like to look up their meanings and analyze. My main example of significant interpretation is that once when I was in college and deciding whether or not I wanted to break up with my boyfriend at the time, I had a dream I was covered in moths. I asked my go-to dream expert http://www.dreammoods.com/ and it told me that I was feeling unseen irritations and damage. The next day I broke up with him and then that night I dreamed of an amusement park. Of course this meant I needed to have more fun and enjoyment in my life. I took the interpretation to be a sort of confirmation of my choice.Whether it be a sign about making a big decision or just something random and funny, I find pure entertainment in waking up and going to dreammoods to see what's up. But now I'm starting to get a little freaked out. I'm having a hard time remembering what is real and what isn't. I sit at my desk at work and try to remember if there was actually a hairless mouse in my apartment or if it was just a dream mouse. I went to bed at 9:45 last night just so I could go back to my fun fantasy world. I am the lame real-life friend who is obsessed with mice and farm animal dreamland friends.

In the past week I've had dreams about my sister's ex boyfriend dressing up like a clown to surprise her. Another night I had a huge hole in my body that I could look into and see all my internal organs. I had a horse farm and couldn't keep them in their pens, I was trying to kill a hairless mouse with an Old Navy flip flop (which wasn't too successful since the foam is so flimsy). Last night's adventure was me getting my cavities filled but the dentist left me with bloody, falling out teeth so she could give my friend breast implants!

Here's what dreammoods tells me:
Clown: symbolizes absurdity, lightheartedness, and a childish side to your own character.
Mouse: indicates fear, meekness, insignificance and a lack of assertiveness.
Horses: signifies mystery, wildness and the unknown.
Inner Organs/Guts: a metaphor for courage and your gutsiness.
Cavities: You are lacking self confidence.

So basically in summary I am lighthearted and childish but full of fear and feelings of insignificance. Something about the unknown is mysterious (duh) and I need to have more guts. This isn't so good. Who knew that my dream characters would turn on me and be a blow to the ego and not prove my likeness to Snow White and Cinderella with BFF animal friends.

b as in booger

You know when you are on the phone with someone trying to confirm the spelling of something because B sounds like D, T and P. To help someone decipher between these letters, we say things like "P as in Paul and D as in David."

When I worked in banking, for some reason I had trouble coming up with example words. With stock tickers, our trader wouldn't even say the letters, he'd simply shout into the phone "Larry Mother Apple Tom." But the types of words that pop into my head are "Lick Ass Monster Tits." Why do I turn into a perverted 12 year old boy? Are there words that I'm supposed to use for these situations that no one ever told me about? I have to stop and think about G-rated words to use.

I've always wondered what would happen if I actually did a pervy letter combo. "No, sir I said P as in pee pee, not B as in booger."

38 minutes never felt so long

I have never been as much of a clock watcher as I am being this afternoon. It's probably because I had the worst sleep of my life last night!

First I was really hot. I tried the one leg out of the covers trick, then both. I am still burning up! Then a sneeze attack begins and have to go blow my nose in the bathroom. Then the light on my iPod speakers is too bright and bothering me. I have to turn it off. I toss and turn a few more times and just when I have maybe found a comfortable position, I hear a buzzing in my ear! I swat at the mosquito but still hear the buzzing coming back to pester me some more. Why do I feel like I am camping? I didn't know mosquitoes lived in NYC.

I pass out for a little bit but wake up to itching all over my body--above my eyebrow, on my shoulder, on my toe! The stupid little ear buzzer just helped himself to a buffet! I must ditch the mosquito.

I pass out on the couch only to be abruptly woken up by CRASHING BASHING thunder and super neon bright lightning! Then comes the pelting RAIN! Each drop's sound is magnified as it smacks my air conditioner. This keeps me up from 2am-4am.

My bug bites itch, I have bloodshot eyes with dark bags underneath. I am cranky.

getting to know my new coworkers

I've never worried too much about meeting people and making friends. At any new job my tactic is to learn the job first, then venture out to make friends. If doing both at the same time is possible, even better. I've only been at my job for a week and am already making friends. I already have people bringing me candy. I have a bag of black licorice candies in my drawer and can't stop eating them! Today specifically was a great day for me to make friends with my new coworkers!

This afternoon the COO gave me a few labeling projects to do. He brought over 3 boxes of company logo pens and placed them on the ledge of my cube and left them for me to label. I made nice labels and stuck them to all sides of the boxes and then for some reason in an "I'm finished" kind of way I instinctively PUSHED the box a little too hard. The entire box fell off the ledge in a HUGE LOUD CRASH and pens spilled all over my cubiclemate's floor.

In an instant it felt like heads popped out of offices and every door frame like in cartoons when everyone's heads peek out at different levels. A couple of people came out to see what I had done and help. My face got so red as I frantically scooped up as many pens as I could and threw them into the box. Awkwardly I said things like "Pen Pinata!" and "Well this is a great way to meet everyone in the office!" and "That sure is a narrow ledge"

Then after regaining my composure after the pen incident I went to file a few things in my boss's office. The COO came by again. By the way, the COO is a grandpa-like guy. He is really serious but for some reason always winks at me--at least I think that's what his eyes do. He contorts his face in a way that resembles a wink sometimes but actually it looks a little painful. Anyway, he came in the office to chat with me while I was filing for a second. After he left I looked down at my shirt to brush off the little hole punch holes only to notice the MIDDLE BUTTON of my shirt was completely undone making my Victoria's Secret very public.

So now I am the new girl who dropped a million pens, exposed her bra and has a black licorice stained grey mouth. Great first impressions! I have a successful future ahead of me.