Judais-dumb

One of the best things about my new job is the diversity. I work with old, young, tall, short, black, white, Asian, Indian, Jewish, Catholic, Christian, gay and straight people... you name it, we've got it. I really like this about the company I am with. I like being exposed to different people. I had mandatory diversity training in my old job and I'm sure I probably got at least an A- on some sort of college paper on the topic. I'd say I have a pretty open mind, but I am learning I am uneducated.

My boss is an Orthodox Jew. There are several Orthodox Jews in the office. This is not a problem for me... except it is. My raised-in-a-Christian-home self does not know how to say or spell Chaim, Moishe, Lichtenstein, or Leizhersohn. I receive calls and verbally butcher innocent victims' names as I try and get my mouth to reproduce sounds I know I can't repeat. Before this job "The Chosen" was probably the most exposure I ever had to a Jew. I have become so obsessed with my lack of awareness and being sensitive, that now I swear I see mirages of yamakas on every man's head I see. This is only the beginning of my problem. I don't think I ever paid attention or retained any studied facts about Judaism that I may have learned in school. Here's why:

One of my first days I said mister on the phone and my boss corrected me to address the man as RABBI. Rabbis often come visit and call him and don't speak English. This makes me nervous.

There is a kosher fridge in the kitchen next to me. I don't know what I can and can't do with it. All I know is that I shouldn't be putting any BLTs in there. I prefer to take the safe route and leave it alone and use the fridge down the hall.

This older man in the office likes to visit me and give me candy and of course I encourage this. One time when I was not at my desk he hid a mint behind my stapler. He called me to give me the hint to look behind my stapler and in my excitement I said without thinking, "Ohhh fun! It's like an Easter egg hunt on my desk!" I hung up my phone and realized I just mentioned Easter to a Jew. Shit.

The same candy guy shared a box of chocolates with me to celebrate the birth of his grandson. As I was savoring a delicious raspberry truffle, in my ignorance I asked, "awww! What's the baby's name?" There was a pause in the room and he told me Jewish babies are not named until 8 days after their birth when he will be circumcised. "Do you know what a circumcision is?" he asked me. No... can you please explain?... with a diagram? How mortifying.

Needless to say, I've been spending a lot of time on Wikipedia but it hasn't been paying off. Somehow no matter what I read, something dumb is still able to slip out of my mouth. I'm trying to educate myself, but it's humiliating to have to immediately minimize my internet browser when someone gets within reading distance and can read the tabs I have open: JUDAISM 101, Keeping Kosher, 2009 Jewish holiday calendar, Answers.com-Shabbos.

I guess I should have actually read "The Chosen" and not just the Cliffs Notes.