when pigs fly

I sit at my computer with chappy, extra dry, ashy hands from obsessive washing. I choked on my own spit today and forced myself to hold in the instinctual coughs out of fear of being quarantined. I don't want anyone to think I'm sick and I really don't want anyone to know I traveled to MEXICO in the past month! Beware of the swine flu!

I understand this is a very important current event but I can't help rolling my eyes and saying "yeah, yeah... the pigs are sick. What's next?" I don't mean to make light of the situation because I know hundreds of human lives are at risk, but these things are constantly happening and consequently turning people into germ-a-phobes too scared to normally go about their lives.

The first thing I ever remember making my childhood world a scary place was E. coli. In 1993 Jack-in-the-Box was making people sick. Then Odwalla juice got the blame in 1996. This ruled out Mango Tango, Superfood and Sourdough Jacks for me for awhile.

Last summer it was Salmonella tomatoes, now it is Salmonella peanuts and Salmonella sprouts. I try be aware of this kind of stuff but not let it scare me too much. I still take an occasional candy break and munch on peanut butter M&Ms only to have it rudely interrupted by someone in my office creating a big fuss because I choose to eat dangerous peanut products! Give me a break.

Then there are the animals. We have bird flu, swine flu, mad cows, hoof and mouth, cat scratch fever, Lyme disease, Monkeypox! Zoo goers will soon be on suicide watch.

I'm not going to lie, this stuff does scare me and I am not being purposely ignorant. I take the necessary precautions that they tell me to do: I wash my hands frequently, don't touch my face or eyes, etc. That's all we can do, right?! There's no use in getting worked up about it. In the meantime, I think I will have a Jack in the Box burger with a side of tomatoes and sprouts, followed by a piece of peanut butter pie. I'm a real dare devil living on the edge. I'm pretty confident that the day I come down with something will be the day pigs will fly. Oh wait, the swine already flu. Shit.

glad it was a missed connection

To bring anyone who needs it up to speed, Craigslist has a thing called missed connections in the personals section. This is for anyone to post a little note to the stranger who sparked their interest but didn't have the balls or time to ask for a phone number and now they're hoping to reconnect.

I rarely browse these, but I find them highly entertaining. My favorite one I found today is titled dunkin donuts on halsted 4/23 at about 720 - m4w - 18 and it goes a little something like this:

"hey i no u may never see this but iam giving it a shot i was out side of the donut shop and u was going 2 walk in and it was closed and then u went in dunkin donuts and i hled the door open for you wen u was leaving i think ur cute and u have a nice voice hun so if u happen 2 see this email me back with what kida car u was driving so that i kno its you"

ok... wow. Dear Dunkin' Donuts missed connection boy,
I have so many things to say about this I don't even know where to begin. As I visualize your story you're trying to convey I am not exactly sure what happened. The donut shop was closed so she went into Dunkin' Donuts and you "hled" the door open. There is a DD right next door to another donut shop? I suppose that is the least of my problems with this.

More importantly, how do you write this entire thing in one sentence?! Do you really think any girl with a nice voice is going to be interested in someone who says "no" instead of "know"? You almost got it right when you said "kno" at the end. But seriously, how do you completely neglect punctuation in your posting? And thanks for adding the picture of yourself. That really helps all girls no the kind of guys who can't spell and can't punctuate their sentences. I am glad this was a missed connection, kno offense.

you learn something new everyday

One of the fancy newer F trains took me home from work today. This is the kind of train that has shiny blue plastic seats, designated wheelchair space, the stops are shown on digital screens, it has a clock and clearly announces each stop and the upcoming stop.

As I sit in my seat trying my best not to stare at my fellow riders too much, I find myself zoning out staring at a small screen displaying random information--what to do if you get sick on the train, what to do if you get sick on the platform, if you see something suspicious say something, etc. Then I catch a glimpse of the MTA rules of conduct which read "Damage subway property - that includes graffiti or scratchitti" Scratchitti?? I had never heard of this before and never knew there was an actual word for when people scratch their names and stuff into the seats and windows. I learned something new! Thanks MTA!

This is a visual for visual learners.

I've lost my magic sight

While perusing Facebook I found this in the archives. Initial reaction was laughter at my awkward 7th grade brother. Memories flashed back of the Sun-In bottle that lived in our bathroom cabinet from 1997-2000. Apparently he had put it to good use back in his junior high days.

My second reaction is "OMG that's a magic eye poster!" And this is when I begin blurring my eyes trying to see what it is behind him. No luck. I used to be really good at seeing these things when I was a kid. So I did a Google image search for Magic Eyes and I think I lost my magic vision skills! I can't see them anymore. I have been sitting here at my computer for at least 40 minutes Google searching different pictures of magic eyes to remaster my skill. Maybe I only imagined I could see them before..? I can almost get it and then everything looks like pretzels for a second then I lose my focus.

I remember when I was little and I would play with the paint program on the computer and would use the spraypaint feature to try and make my own magic eye poster but they would never become 3D either.

45 minutes being cross eyed at the computer screen can not be good for me. Am I the only one who has lost the talent??

job requirements: emergency first aid...?

As you read this post, let me first tell you that I work for an investment bank.I mostly work alongside middle aged men; my co-workers are husbands and fathers. For 99% of the workday we sit on our asses at desks where extremely minimal manual labor is required of us. However, it's starting to feel like there are more accidents in my office than I recall from being a nanny and Sunday school teacher. I'm contemplating the potential benefits of keeping bandaids, Bactine, and baby wipes in my desk drawers.

Riptide Rob - late 30s-early 40s, father of one.
One Monday morning in the summer Rob came over to tell my cubicle mates and I how lucky and grateful he was to be alive. He had spent the weekend with his family in the Hamptons and was swimming when he was pulled out really far by a riptide and almost drowned. The lifeguard had to swim out and bring him back to safety on the shore. No one will ever let him live this down and therefore he obtained the office nickname Riptide Rob.

Well, back in February I was walking past the kitchen on my way to the bathroom. I curiously glanced into the kitchen in passing and noticed Rob in the doorway. He was bent over and it looked like he was either spitting or vomiting directly onto the kitchen floor. In a panic I shouted "Are you ok?!" and wondered to myself in a judging kind of way why he didn't puke in the trashcan. He shook his head no that he was not ok and I ran to get some help. Rob ran out of the kitchen and into the mailroom and slammed his stomach on the handle of a handtruck to dislodge whatever was stuck. One of the other guys quickly began the Heimlich and Rob started couching and throwing up whatever he was choking on. Turns out he had choked on a cold cut slice of turkey. Basically I did nothing to help except judge him for choking and not vomiting in the trash can. This was a conversation I had right after:

me: Ahhh someone was choking in my office!

I was the first person to see him and I didn't know what to do

Colleen: omg

did someone give the Heimlich??!! me: It was really gross he was like barfing too

It scared me!

Colleen: o

m

g

that would freak me out too! What was he choking on? And, was he doing the universal sign for choking?

me: He was choking on turkey!

Eww

Colleen: ew

gross

just plain turkey?

not a sandwich?

me: Yeah I think just a slice

Colleen: thats really weird

how could that restrict your airway?

lol

poor guy

me: I have no idea! It was weird

Bottlecap Bailey - 38 years old, father of two
Because of the recession, my company Christmas party consisted of beers, cheese plates and mingling on our trading floor. My cubicle mate made a big scene at the party and left abruptly because somehow he had swallowed the tab to a soda can. He rushed to the ER for x-rays and kept complaining about how horrible this was because he had a family and kids to take care of. Was he thinking he was going to start profusely internal bleeding? This was how he was going to die?? RIP Bottlecap Bailey? He ended up surviving and the doctor said that he either passed the soda can tab or never swallowed it in the first place. He kept his doctor's number close at hand all week in case any sharp stomach pains were to arise.

Bottlecap Bailey also is prone to falling asleep at his desk, often chokes on his food from eating too much too quickly or using too much hot sauce. Again, I usually do nothing to actually help him, except I helped come up with the name Bottlecap Bailey.

Mr. N - 66 years old, father of three.
The CEO of the company. He is well-respected in the industry and for the most part keeps to himself. He doesn't talk much and very rarely flashes a smile. I can probably count single-handedly the number of times he has specifically addressed me by name. (Side note--my firm has the 3rd and 4th floors of our building and has connecting stairs in between the two floors right by the reception desk) Mr. N was coming down the stairs on Tuesday while I was working at the reception desk. I was answering the phones and receiving a delivery when I heard the loud tumbling noise of someone falling down the stairs. On the landing I see a disheveled Mr. N slowly picking himself up. I have NO idea what to do!!! All I manage to do is shyly ask "Are you ok?" The delivery boy hurried over to offer him a helping hand, but Mr. N dismissed it and mumbled with a crooked smile something about having new soles on his shoes. Making noises indicating he was in some pain, he hobbled down the hall back to his office. This is the IM conversation I had right after:

me: Oh shit! Mr. N just fell down some stairs right in front of me!

I am so awkward in situations like this

Colleen: o

m

g

please tell me you were kind and pleasant!

me: I asked if he was ok

Oh man

Colleen: was he ok?

me: Yeah he said he was Colleen: good

This is when I realized I have a problem reacting in emergency situations. I don't know what to do with myself. It is evident in my IM conversations that I don't really take them seriously. Part of me is holding back laughter and another part of me wonders to what degree an accident should be considered serious? I also have a problem because it feels weird to be the youngest person in a professional environment and constantly be in the position of witnessing my superiors choke and fall. I don't recall first aid certification as one of the requirements for my current position, but at the rate things are going, it might be a good idea to brush up on my Heimlich, CPR and emergency situation strategy! Or maybe I could just supply helmets, slings, kneepads, diapers, and neckbraces.

My (most fun and I want to do it again) Vacation

I've been struggling with creativity and inspiration lately. Mostly because I am depressed to return to my normal life after a 7 day vacation of a lifetime with my dear fam. Here is a mini photo diary of the highlights.

My seeester challenge: refill ice cream cones every time we pass the ice cream machine. We quickly upgraded into getting a bowl, crunching up cookies and filling the bowl at the ice cream machine.The crew (from right to left): me, seeester, brother in law, future sisssy in law and bro.

Randy getting felt up by the shot girl.

Me getting felt up by the shot girl. "Free massage!"

Porn star Echo Valley! "I'm sooooo drunk!" After a little Wikipedia search I learned that this was my introduction to the bra size 65NN

Please someone take me back to this moment. Around this point in time I was floating in the ocean thinking about how lucky I was NOT to be working on Excel spreadsheets.
My tan is quickly fading, my shins and feet are peeling, my sandflea bites still itch, and I REALLY miss my family!