when pigs fly

I sit at my computer with chappy, extra dry, ashy hands from obsessive washing. I choked on my own spit today and forced myself to hold in the instinctual coughs out of fear of being quarantined. I don't want anyone to think I'm sick and I really don't want anyone to know I traveled to MEXICO in the past month! Beware of the swine flu!

I understand this is a very important current event but I can't help rolling my eyes and saying "yeah, yeah... the pigs are sick. What's next?" I don't mean to make light of the situation because I know hundreds of human lives are at risk, but these things are constantly happening and consequently turning people into germ-a-phobes too scared to normally go about their lives.

The first thing I ever remember making my childhood world a scary place was E. coli. In 1993 Jack-in-the-Box was making people sick. Then Odwalla juice got the blame in 1996. This ruled out Mango Tango, Superfood and Sourdough Jacks for me for awhile.

Last summer it was Salmonella tomatoes, now it is Salmonella peanuts and Salmonella sprouts. I try be aware of this kind of stuff but not let it scare me too much. I still take an occasional candy break and munch on peanut butter M&Ms only to have it rudely interrupted by someone in my office creating a big fuss because I choose to eat dangerous peanut products! Give me a break.

Then there are the animals. We have bird flu, swine flu, mad cows, hoof and mouth, cat scratch fever, Lyme disease, Monkeypox! Zoo goers will soon be on suicide watch.

I'm not going to lie, this stuff does scare me and I am not being purposely ignorant. I take the necessary precautions that they tell me to do: I wash my hands frequently, don't touch my face or eyes, etc. That's all we can do, right?! There's no use in getting worked up about it. In the meantime, I think I will have a Jack in the Box burger with a side of tomatoes and sprouts, followed by a piece of peanut butter pie. I'm a real dare devil living on the edge. I'm pretty confident that the day I come down with something will be the day pigs will fly. Oh wait, the swine already flu. Shit.