strapped for cash

So we're in a recession and funds are tight. I live in an apartment where the rent costs me literally 48.998% of my monthly salary. Depressing. Stressful. (And yes, I did play around with the calculator to get the closest percentage possible.)

This morning I decided to look online at potential part-time jobs. I could work in a boutique or babysit once or twice a week, right? I have no experience in the food/bar biz so that minimizes my options a lot. I've been doing some Craiglisting and here's what I found. What do you think?

Pretty Girls With Pretty Feet Wanted! ($600 - $800 Per week)

Famous foot fetish company in New York City that specializes in
Foot Fetish Sessions is seeking very attractive girls ages 18 - 29
to get paid $50 per hr to have their feet massaged and kissed
during foot fetish sessions! There is guaranteed work for each
model we hire at least 2 days per week.

As a bonus, the girls we hire for this will also get to work at our
world famous foot fetish parties in NYC! You will get to make
up to $500 per night going to an upscale party and having your feet
worshiped!

Its some of the easiest money you will ever make and there is
absolutely no sex, you don't have to be nude, and it is 100% legal
unlike other fetish jobs you may have seen on craigslist. Perfect for
actresses, models, and college students that need high paying
part time fun and easy work in this super expensive city.

To get this job you must be very attractive, have pretty feet,
be open minded about fetishes and fantasies, adventurous,
and enjoy parties and being fun and social. You also must
be punctual and responsible at the same time.

We are hiring asap so apply now if you feel you qualify and please
send ALL THREE of the following....
1. Your Name
2. Your Number
3. A Recent Photo

We will call you asap if interested and could possibly get you
some work as soon as this week! Good luck and talk to you soon!

This might be one of the weirdest things I have ever researched. PLEASE check out their website for foot fetish parties! There's actually one tomorrow night! I spent a lot of time just now reading all the pages, FAQ's and looking at the pics! wtf!?? I wonder if my feet are pretty enough to make it?

From what I read, you may be asked to do a "private session" where attendees can do whatever their twisted foot-lusting minds desire including Foot Worship, Trampling, Tickling, Foot Smelling, and Foot Domination. The only thing I'd want to partake in is Foot Domination and only if that means kicking someone in the face.

Make money fast! (Lower East Side)

Reps needed to canvas the 5 boroughs and locate wheel-chair accessible restrooms. Start immediately. Please contact us and let us know which borough you are interested in researching. Looking specifically for people in Queens, Brooklyn, Staten Island, and the Bronx. Reps will also be required to enter address and phone number of found locations into a spreadsheet. We need this done, thoroughly, accurately, and immediately. Compensation: $5 for every location you identify.

This one doesn't seem so bad?! It's like a hunt for wheelchair bathrooms! But at $5 per location identified you'd have to spend a lot of time running around NYC bathrooms to make it worth it. I wonder if you could just start calling businesses asking if they're wheelchair accessible?? hmm... this has potential.

Noho Boutique seeking experienced Sales Person (SoHo)

A Bleecker Street boutique in the works to becoming the leading men’s fashion destination is seeking an experienced, talented, communicative sales associate to be part of our team. The boutique is scheduled for its grand opening in September, until then we will get to know you by participating in our sample sale.

Qualifications:
-Strong Sales Experience!!! Only experienced need apply!
-You must have a history of positive sales in a boutique environment.
-Cash handling experience/Cashier Experience
-Friendly
-Must be able to pass a background check
-Must be flexible
-Must have an eye for fashion/Coordinating
-Must have a fresh personal style
-Great Customer Service
-Must manage time efficiently: work quickly and effectively
-You must be proactive in your approach
-You must be the type of person who exhibits high standards in all areas of the workplace, promoting team morale and motivation.
- You are expected to create a sales focused environment and to maximize sales whenever possible.

Job Details:
-Working Cash Register
-Working Sales
-Working Fitting room
-Putting Back Clothes
-Picking Phone orders
-Visual (Dressing Manikins) <--NOTE THE SPELLING!
-Merchandising
-Greeting/ Customer Service
-Working with High-End Clothing

This post really isn't hilarious or weird or interesting.. I just think its funny that they are so particular with their qualifications and don't even know how to spell mannequin! I guess it does say the only thing you must pass is a background check, not a spelling test.

So what do you think? Feet, Toilets, or Manikins?

swimming lessons

We've been having daily dosages of afternoon thunderstorms. The weather is hot, muggy, thundery, lightning with sporadic rain showers. Only a true New York woman uses this forecast to her advantage. Free swimming lessons!




Lesson one: the pencil dive.

help I need socks

Ricky's (think Rite Aid+Sex Shop+Spencer's+beauty supply shop+costume store) was promoting a new line of health remedies called Help. On my walk home from work today I saw the launch of the product, complete with a live display for the bandages Help I have a blister.

and THIS is how they advertise. Man in heels on treadmill brings you Help I have a Blister!

Although the more I think about it, its not really that funny because he probably dresses drag in his free time so heels are no biggie. AND is this Help product merely a package of socks?? Because wouldn't his socks prevent the blister from forming in the first place?

was gonna complain about my job, but...

I better be careful what I say!

Yikes!!! what happened to freedom of speech?!

I feel the need to complain a little bit anyway:

1. Yesterday someone literally emailed me an address and told me to print it on a label and stick it on an envelope. I can't believe I went to college for this. I have papercuts on my knuckles.
2. My fave bra broke this morning.
3. My skirt keeps spinning around backwards when I walk.
4. Monday night some kid ran by me and slapped my ass.
   

How is it only Wednesday?

i'm SO cool

literally. so cool

I made a way overdue air conditioner purchase yesterday! Walking home from the train on an 84°+ muggier-than-I-can-handle Thursday I felt inspired and spur of the moment. I walked past some shop in Chinatown with appliances in the window. I turned around and went in.

"Hi I need the smallest air conditioner you have."
"what's the square footage of the room?"
"I have no idea. Very small. Look, I need a small AC that I can carry home right now."

---am I really supposed to be able to know square footage of things??---

He brings me a box. I pay for it and walk home. This is awkward and really heavy! My black skinny jeans are soaking up and magnifying the sun's rays! My knee pits are sweating so much! I make it up 3 flights of stairs, almost fall backwards. Jeans are suffocating my legs. must. keep. going. 3 more flights. I unlock the apartment. Holy Hell it must be 110 degrees! I peel off sweat saturated black claustrophobic wetsuit skinny jeans. All clothes come off.

I put the AC together, get it in the window, turn it on. SUCCESS! I am so proud of myself. ouchhh my fingers. Fingers are bleeding. Every finger has little stripy cuts. wtf.

Oh well, I feel proud and independent and handymanish. I make up a little Destiny's Child 'Independent Women' remix in my head.

All the women who are independent
Throw your AC's up at me
All the honeys who makin' money
Throw your AC's up at me
All the mommas who profit dollas
Throw your AC's up at me
All the ladies who truly feel me
Throw your AC's up at me

I told Dan I had a surprise for him when he comes over. TADAAAA I unveil my surprise.

Dan: "Why didn't you wait for me to help you?"
Me: "Because I felt spontaneous and needed to get one right then."
Dan: "I would've helped you."
Me: "I am able to do things by myself, you know! Gosh!!"
Dan: "Oh yeah?? Look at your fingers."

...cue my Destiny's Child remix's fade out...

ew.

I feel like EVERY New Yorker is saying this to me. For some reason people directly in front of me on the street--and I mean literally 7 inches in front of me light up a cigarette and take a BIG PUFF which leaves me in a GIGANTIC cloud of nasty smoke to walk through. This especially makes me nauseous in the mornings and makes me sad because my clean hair picks up every smell.



(seriously.. my hair immediately smells like burnt pretzels, hot dogs, and hazelnuts when I walk by these stupid street carts) ----->



Back to smoking... last night on my walk home some foreign language-speaking-biotch burned my leg with her cigarette! I walked away with a stingy, grey line on my thigh and her acting like nothing happened but with a guilty look on her face.

ew. I hate you.

...and you know what you did.








ps. this cig & qtip combo is my current nightmare